Top 10 Reasons Why I’m Excited For College Football 2015

College Football 2015 is fast approaching and I can hardly contain my excitement.  Almost as excited as Tim Tebow’s first day as an Alter Boy.

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So I assembled my top 10 reasons to be excited for the upcoming 2015 season.

10. Alabama vs. Tennessee

Even though Tennessee will be meeting Alabama in Tuscaloosa, it will still be entertaining to see Lane Kiffin squirm on the sidelines. After all, Knoxville did name their sewage system after Kiffin’s unexpected departure. Only a lucky few college football coaches have ever received such an honor.

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9. Charlie Strong Wrangling The Longhorns?

Is Charlie Strong in the hot seat? As college football fans are well aware, Texas football is not only a way of life, it IS life. They expect championships and expect no less.  Charlie Strong is entering his second year as their head coach. His 2nd!  Honestly, if Texas wins one more game than they did last year, that wouldn’t matter.  But if Texas faces another dismal season in 2015 and fires Strong entering the 2016 season….geeze, get a life Texas.

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8. Beat the Irish!

Notre Dame is ranked #10 in the preseason polls.  It really grinds me gears that no matter how shitty they were the season before, Notre Dame always seems to creep their way into the top 25 preseason poles.  WTF?! Yea well, Rudy won’t save you this season.

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7. Wow! Oregon’s Uniforms!

You gotta hand it to them, every season the Oregon Ducks give our eyes a nice little gift: tight neon-colored spandex boasting feathers of flight. Flight to Football. Nice.

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6. Urban Meyer’s Non-Existent Health Problem

Let’s see if he makes it out another year. Sorry Meyer family, the Buckeyes are far more important than you.  Careful there Urban, your anger may only exacerbate that heart condition of yours….

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5. Everett “Cheater” Golson Taking Over For Crab Legs

Should be entertaining to see a Notre Dame drop out attempt to form his own legacy following Heisman Trophy-Winning Crab Stealing Misogynist Winston. It is quite the legacy, I must say.  However, Golson is one of the smallest QBs in the game.  Apparently, Golson could be the shortest Florida State QB in nearly 30 years.  He has no chance.

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Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston, right, greets Notre Dame quarterback Everett Golson after Florida State won 31-27 in an NCAA college football game in Tallahassee, Fla., Saturday, Oct. 18, 2014. (AP Photo/Mark Wallheiser)

Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston, right, greets Notre Dame quarterback Everett Golson after Florida State won 31-27 in an NCAA college football game in Tallahassee, Fla., Saturday, Oct. 18, 2014. (AP Photo/Mark Wallheiser)

4. Introducing Ann Arbor’s Own: Constipation Face

I don’t know about you, but I’m excited to see Constipation Face take the Big House by storm. Not so much with his football team, but with his douche-bag childish antics and ridiculous facial expressions, I’m sure we are in for some pure laughter. Those high rising tight khakis alone are up for a College Football comeback.

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And my personal favorite….

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3. Another Year, Another Year Older Can Only Mean One Thing: Retirement For Lee Corso!

Homeboy needs to pack his bags and take up golf. Someone just has to beat College Game Day out of him.  Or maybe just have one bad fall….. (I’m going to hell)

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2. Playoffs Take 2

2nd time can be a charm.

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1. FIGHT ON

Oh yeah 🙂

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He Has Risen

The Resurrection is real people.  And no, I am not talking about Easter.  But if you put it that way, this may be an Easter of sorts….an Easter for one.

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Tim Tebow is gracing the NFL with his holy presence yet again. I don’t know about you, but frankly, I am quite excited about this revival.

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Throwing the words “resurrection” and “revival” could be a bit of a stretch, but hey, who am I to hate on one of Jesus’s football disciples? Granted Tebow never went to Notre Dame, but I am sure he has a poster of “Touchdown Jesus” pasted up on one of his walls next to his Florida Gator crucifix.

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Just like Jesus, Tebow has seen and experience adversity in his days. The NFL maliciously swallowed and spit out Tebow 2 years ago, leaving him nothing except his unrelenting faith in GOD and in the good graces of the almighty SEC Network.

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The comeback of Tebow is upon us and I couldn’t be more excited. And to top it off, I couldn’t think of a better city to open up their loving arms and embrace the God Squader like a brother than Philadelphia.  Although the Philadelphia Eagles already have a so-called “quarterback,” Tebow could be the perfect accessory to Chip Kelly’s fast-paced offense.

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Will Tebow get any action? Who the hell knows. He only signed a 1 year contract agreement. As a die-hard USC Trojan fan, you would think I would be rooting for the ladder.  Don’t get me wrong, I am fully pulling for Matty Barkley to dazzle the City of Brotherly Love with his cannon of an arm and Little Rascal smile. Also pulling for Mark Sanchez to fully recover from his butt fumble concussion and come to realize that retirement would be more of a favor to the entire sports world than just himself.

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But you have to admit, there is just something about Tebow that is unrelentingly charming. Setting aside his “Don’t Get an Abortion Because I Was Almost One” SuperBowl commercial, Tebow has a great attitude on his shoulders, a contiguously positive attitude that many could and should envy. Can’t hate a guy for trying and trying and trying and trying to make his dreams come true.

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Rooting against Tebow is like rooting for Moses to drown in the Red Sea or for Joseph to never find that Technicolor Dreamcoat. No…..that’s just wrong.

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And the best part of all? Tebow-ing will be making it’s comeback with a vengeance…..in PRETZEL FORM.

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Kegger at the Heisman House

The party never stops at the Heisman House.

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I think Nissan struck gold with this commercial gem.  A bunch of college football player stars all living under one roof.  The real beauty behind these video spots is the communal feel to them.  No matter how old they get, every Heisman trophy winner seems to live in this one house.

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So who does what in this Heisman House?  Who cooks the meals, who does the yard work, who throws the parties, who sorts the mail and who the hell does everybody’s laundry??

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Let’s think about this logically, how many chores are actually done around the house?  I say there are about 7 different roles every functional house has, 7 different roles that these Heisman Trophy winners would need to take on in order for this Heisman House to be fully functional (and to be fully awesome!).  But who would do what?  And more importantly, who would be the best at it?  Well, today is your lucky day because I am going to attempt to answer that question.  Here we go:

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1) The Iron Chef

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Who would want to cook for all these football players?  Probably nobody.  Hell, these guys probably inhale food so fast they don’t even taste the flavor.  You saw that cereal commercial?

I’m going to have to go with Jameis Winston.  We already know he has good taste in seafood and doesn’t want to pay for it.  It’s a win-win, eat like kings while saving a few bucks.

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2) The Green Thumb

Whoever holds this responsibility needs to be able to hold a shovel and pick axe in one hand. This individual needs to be the Jolly Green Giant. I can’t think of anybody else but Bo Jackson. Baseball Player + Football Player = Gets shit done.

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Bo’s size and strength alone can easily rival Hercules juggling cows at the tractor show. Bo probably wouldn’t necessarily enjoy being a gardner but it would come easy to him.  He would finish half an acre of yard work in less than an hour. In 1982, Bo set state school records for indoor high-jump (6’9″) and triple-jump (48’8″).  Hmmmm, ok Jumping Jack Flash.

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In his spare time, he makes bows and arrows to go out hunting deer in the woods.  If that doesn’t scream Paul Bunyan, I don’t know what does.

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He is one with nature. Best not to disturb the beast at work.

 

3) The “Dad”

This guy has to radiate responsibility, uphold respect and bestow unyielding guilt to those who deserve it.  Despite his size, this football player is someone the guys would listen to and respect because they probably see a bit of themselves in him (…and probably feel a bit sorry for him because he never really was successful in the NFL…..).

Come on, he has the haircut of a “Dad.”

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I can see it now.  Doug Flutie gathering the gang around the fireplace recalling the glory days of his “Flutie Effect.” Encouraging all the fellas to chase their dreams because if they put their mind to it, they too can throw a Hail Mary pass to win the championship game.

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Not entirely sure about being the “stern father figure,” but these are all grown men who more or less don’t need to be punished, but rather need to be encouraged to do the right thing and do the dishes.

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4) The Interior Decorator

This player doesn’t necessarily have to know plaid from argyle player but have a good enough sense of style that wouldn’t offend any of the other football players.  If I had to recall every Heisman Trophy ceremony I watched while simultaneously remembering every suit and tie every winner wore, I would probably never finish this post.  But the one fashion forward player I DO remember is Robert Griffin III.

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Those Superman socks, hello?!  Those were damn cool.  A sense of style I think everybody in the house can appreciate (and tolerate).  If RGIII decorated the entire house in comic book hero paraphernalia, I think that would not only bring all the players a fictitious sense of unlimited power but also a sense of comfort and childlike wonder, feelings they haven’t felt since pee-wee football boyhood.

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Ahhh the good ol’ days.

 

5) The Maid

This is when you wish the Beauty and the Beast appliances would come to life and clean themselves.

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Tim Tebow seems like he would unbelievably thrilled to clean the house, leaving breath mints on every pillow.  Homeboy isn’t exactly a tool but I think he would be up for anything that positively contributes to the House.  Even though he isn’t playing football, he would love to pall around all the guys who actually had an NFL career longer than the lifespan of a butterfly.

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Can’t you just imagine him in an apron and duster breezing through the House leaving only the fresh scent of Florida oranges.

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6) The Rebel

OJ. Duh.

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7) Party Boy

When it’s time to party, we will party hard.

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It is without question that all of the Heisman Trophy winners know how to party.  But I’m going to have to go with the most recent and most publicized party animal the House has ever seen: Johnny Football.

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Thanks to his avid social media use, Johnny has infamously gained the reputation of ‘Party Animal.”  Aside from his poor composure, the man doesn’t let his party animal ways negatively affect his work.  And his partying ways would be put to good use at the Heisman House no?

 

8) The Casanova

It’s hard to just pick one, I mean all the players have some sense of dashing athleticism and sport some dapper looks. But the one who notoriously banged his way through college is Matt Leinart.  Although we can’t exactly blame his womanizing for his disastrous NFL career, we can blame his less than shy appendage for his illegitimate child who is half brothers with Blake Griffin’s kid.  Blood brothers for life.

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Leinart is also known to have dated MTV reality stars and Paris Hilton.  Yes, Paris Hilton, aspiring DJ.

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Well at least everyone in the Heisman House can count on Matty Leinart for some of that needed protection….oh wait.

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Oh the Hesiman House. Seems like such a magical place where dreams come true.

 

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Thank you Mr. Sam

The hot topic: Michael Sam.

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Let’s first just say a big “thank you.”  “Thank you” Mr. Sam for shedding light on an important yet at times  overlooked topic in professional sports, particularly the NFL.  The NBA already got Jason Collins, a veteran player who finally came out back in April 2013.  But having an up and coming NFL player come out confidently is very refreshing.

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Second, another big “Thank You” for your courage Mr. Sam.  Not only are you the SEC’s Defensive Player of the year, but you could perhaps be the most talked about NFL player of the 2014 season for your courage and frankly, balls, for being an “open, proud gay” man in football.  Sorry Richard Sherman.

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Some say time doesn’t seem to really move forward in sports, particularly the NFL (and Baseball….jesus they just introduced instant replay for god sakes).  The NFL’s conservative nature is almost palpable with their old school General Managers and white washed demeanor.  Hell, it took them almost 2 decades to realize that brain damage is a bad thing in football.

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But I commend the NFL for taking the news so well, expressing open acceptance of Sam entering the NFL draft this spring.  Then again….why wouldn’t they?  Why would the NFL even come out with a statement to validate their efforts towards tolerance?  Shouldn’t every sports organization in this point and time already be doing that?

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I get it.  We want to believe that we are all living in a world of that is more accepting of others. (Yea, tell that to FOX)  But are we really? Is the NFL really accepting Michael Sam into their world with open arms?

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Well apparently, Fortune 500 companies are.  This news comes according to Sam’s agent Joe Barkett, who says, “Every time I’m on the phone, I’m getting phone calls. There’s always one from a company expressing their interest in Michael. Name any type of industry, we’ve probably heard from a company in their sector in the last 48 hours.”

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Companies see is “market potential” for their monetary gain, completely taking advantage of his emerging “individuality.”  Sam just now has to pick and choose his endorsements wisely so as to not have the public perceive him as a sell out using his sexuality for profit.

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The first step for change is actual change.  Michael Sam now represents the change that is coming to the NFL whether it likes it or not.  With all the NFL insiders claiming that his draft status will be harmed is crap. Statements like that are more detrimental to themselves and their television station than Sam, making them all look like ignorant douches.  The NFL has yet to accept Michael Sam and everything he represents but has the ideal opportunity to take center stage for the recognition of gay athletes come Draft Day.

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If what some NFL insiders say is true concerning Sam’s negative draft status, then we truly are an intolerant society.  But it is highly unlikely that he won’t be drafted because the dude got SEC Defensive Player of the Year.  DUDE, the SEC- The almighty dominant conference in college football, the greatest college football teams in the world right?  What team wouldn’t want that player?!  They be crazy if they didn’t draft him.  (And just think of all the popularity of having the first “openly gay” player on your team).   Tebow couldn’t do it, but maybe Sam can.  Just Kidding Timmy!

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Michael Sam will be the change. He will get drafted.  He will play.  He will persevere.  And he will forever be a shining example for other gay athletes to be honest, forthright and strong.  Thank you Mr. Sam.

The only one who has everything to lose in this fight is the NFL.  So don’t fuck it up boys.

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New Years Resolutions Sports Fans

(I know I’m a week late but hey, that’s how 2014 goes….)

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Every New Years Eve there is a always a little flutter of chatter among party goers discussing what they wish to accomplish next year.  New Years Resolutions are far too common yet far too annoying.  I want to lose weight, I want to help those in need, I want to be just like Jay Cutler (well, I don’t know about that one)…..blah blah blah.

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How about if we could make resolutions for our favorite athletes?  Especially those who you KNOW are going to make bad ones.  Don’t look now sports fans, but here is your one and only chance to improve the lives of athletes and sports here:

1. Lebron James

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Does this guy really need a new years resolution?  Yes.  Stop being a douche-bag and talking about the Miami Heat like is it YOUR team.  My new years resolution for you is to NOT win the NBA Championship, become a bit more humble, maybe not whore yourself out to every endorsement deal that comes your way and, more importantly, educate yourself fool!

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Despite your lack of a college degree, you have seen the world, met new people and have the advantage to take hold of opportunities others would die for.  How about you enroll in some prestigious university part-time and learn something new….like not being a dumb as rocks douche-bag.

2. Nick Saban

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Oohhhhhh Mr. Saban.  I thought your new years resolution would be to start fresh and establish yourself as the Lord and Savior Football Coach for the University of Texas.  Sadly, no.  Alabama is here to stay.  I think Saban wants to achieve not necessarily the impossible, but to achieve the impressive.  With a new year, comes a new system, a system of College Football Playoffs baby!

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Although the Crimson Tide failed to make it to the BCS National Champion game nor win the Sugar Bowl against Oklahoma, I believe Saban will try to shock the world in 2014 by competing once again for the National Championship spotlight.  Saban will get into the final 4 team playoff whether we like it or not.  You go girl.

3. College Football Playoffs

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Oh man, I can hardly contain myself on this one.  I can only hope the 2014 College Football Playoffs will be nothing short of amazing.

But we all know that it may not be due to the expected controversy the elected Playoff Committee will bring.  This alleged Playoff Committee….who are they?  Why were they selected?  Will the Committee be better than the BCS?  Who the hell knows, but it is worth a try.

4. A-rod

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2014 A-rod just needs to shut up, retire and take it like a man.  Good Lord, he more or less will make it into the Hall of Fame, so why waste this year being a bitch fiddle?

With all the controversy surrounding Arod in 2013, 2014 should be a nice change for him by stepping out of spot light, stop embarrassing himself during interviews, start behaving in court and retiring with style.  The guy has more money than he knows what to do with, so he should put it to good use.

Just commission another artist to paint another portrait of you as another mythological creature…..how about a Minotaur?

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5. Jason Kidd

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Good lord does this guy need a good resolution, but it’s a very simple one: WIN games.

As his first year as head coach of the Brooklyn Nets debut season at the new deluxe Barclay Center, the Brooklyn Nets have sucked, to say the least.  With injured players and lack of motivation amongst star players like Kevin Garnett and the frog Paul Pierce, the Nets have not won as many games as expected.

Well so far soo good.  After vowing to be a new team in 2014, the Nets are undefeated in the new year, riding a four-game winning streak. But more than anything else, the Nets are fighting. They’re now taking a punch and showing resiliency instead of folding.  Is it all thanks to Jason Kidd?  Who knows.  He just needs to win from here on out.

6. Jonathan Martin

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New Year’s Resolution: Quit Football and become a guidance counselor for young football players all over America, teaching them the ways of how to avoid becoming a pussy.

Jonathan Martin made headlines this 2013 football season by reporting to the NFL concerning hazing shenanigans he traumatically underwent during his rookie season with the Miami Dolphins, more specifically placing the blame on one, Richard Incognito.

After reporting the hazing incidents to the NFL, he left the Dolphins and checked into a hospital to treat his “emotional distress.”  A week later he was spotted laughing and smiling and the USC vs. Stanford game at the Coliseum.  So Mr. Martin, 2013 clearly wasn’t your year, you weaseled  your way out the NFL and are sooOOooo distraught you might as well put your traumatic experience to good use.  Counsel kids about hazing, the good and the bad.  Become a sponsor for anti-bullying campaigns.  Just stop the bitching and do SOMETHING….and maybe apologize to Richie….his NFL career is clearly dunzo because of you.

7. Aaron Hernandez

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Just hope he doesn’t become somebody’s bitch. I mean the dude is a football player, so he is already pretty buff and can more or less handle himself, but you never know, it is prison.

Aaron Hernandez was arrested last year in Connecticut for the murder of a former NFL player named Odin Lloyd.  More recenetly, police now suspect Hernandez participated in a 2012 drive-by double murder using a truck loaned to him, according to a warrant released last week, and that those killings led to the murder Lloyd, for which the former Patriots star is now on trial.

Just keeps getting better and better for Hernandez.  Keep your head up bro and make sure to have your family and friends send you lots and lots of cigarettes.

8. Yaisel Puig

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Hit more home runs, sleep with more women, become a permanent United States resident, win the World Series…..and go to Driving School.

Yaisel Puig already has two tickets for reported reckless driving.  Was he crunk?  I don’t think so because the cops more or less made him submit to a DUI test.  The guy just has a need for speed.  So I say in 2014, convert that need for speed in women.  The guy made a 30 million contract over night with his blowout success with the Doyers last year, so just hire a driver and hit up the clubs for some reckless dancing and flirting.  Who the LA ladies what Puig Power is all about.

Just remember to wear a condom,  have fun and get ready for the 2014 baseball season!

9. Russia

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Be more accepting of athletes no matter what their sexual preference may be.  Hey, if the United States can do it, Russia can do it.  Democracy worked right?

President Putin of Russia decided to initiate a boycott on gay Olympic athletes.  As the host country of the Winter Olympics, you would think a world event bringing cultures together would be a bit more tolerant of different people.  Guess NOT.

Maybe when the actual Olympics commence, Russia will come to it’s senses and realize that equality should be had by all, equality that should distinctly and actively be recognized in events watched by the world.  Monkey SEE, Monkey DOO Russia.

10. Brazil

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May the World Cup crown the United States the champions of 2014 games…..I can’t even say that with a straight face…….

Every world cup brings hope for the United States, a hope that we can actually compete with the world in soccer.  Unfortunately, the U.S. did not receive a favorable first round group selection. The Americans wound up with the potentially punishing group they feared and will play Ghana, Portugal and Germany in June as they try to move to the next round.  This couldn’t be any more difficult.  But we Americans are known to thrive as the underdogs…..yea over 200 years ago….

Is it going to happen, are we going to win?!  I have no idea.  Maybe this year will be a first.  I bet you Benjamin Franklin would know what to do….

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11. Tim Tebow

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So I guess Tebow has finally given up on his dreams of playing quarterback in the NFL  because he has become an ESPN analyst for the SEC conference. He debuted his broadcasting talent during the BCS Championship game and didn’t do half bad.

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2014 Tebow is going to accept his future and become such an impressive college football analyst, he will replace Lee Corso on College GameDay, forever leaving our Saturday mornings free of embarrassing antics and pathetic winner predictions.  And give the college mascots back their glory dammit! Glorious 🙂

Feliz Ano Nuevo Everybody!

Where did Tebow go?

The NFL season is underway and I only have one question: Where is Tim Tebow?

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Tim Tebow hasn’t snapped a football in the NFL in over a year, which may be the right amount of time for him to realize that he may not play professionally again.  Sad Face Timmy 😦

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Due to his lackluster NFL career, Tebow has been on the back burner this whole year, leaving us with no shred of hope for his return to the NFL.  Well maybe as an assistant coach….or better yet a cheerleader….

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Apparently Tebow has prospects outside of his football dreams: broadcasting.  Go figure.  Tim Tebow could be coming to a TV screen near you….

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Three major networks- ESPN, CBS and FOX- have expressed interest in hiring Tebow as an on air talent.  Tebow is no stranger to the camera.  Just look at that Jesus smile 🙂

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One place the Florida Gator legend could land is ESPN’s SEC Network, which is set to debut in August 2014 with the intention of launching its own version of “College Gameday.”  Of course the almighty SEC wants its own network.  My vote is to replace Lee Corso whose commentary is border line senile and useless, which is why he resorts to gimmicks like stealing school mascot head gear.

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Regardless of where Tebow lands, his pop culture clout and go to Jesus persona should be enough to entice even casual football viewers into watching him.  Just think we can watch him on Saturday mornings and not have to go to Church the next day.

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And let’s be honest, haven’t we missed him?

(Minus his pro-life Superbowl commercial)

There is no God?

A devout Christian dedicating a good part of his life to GOD by serving his Lord in every way possible, adamantly praying and freely sacrificing his time and effort to the religion is the RIGHT “Christian” thing to do.  And in return, God’s plan is said to steer you down the path of righteousness, the path that will guide you where you are meant to be in life.  Welcome to the “Good” Christian life.

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So why is Tebow’s path meant to go down the shitter?

Tim Tebow : Jesus’s wet dream, a Christian do-gooder, a God squadder…call him what you want, Tebow loves GOD and isn’t shy about it.

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So with everything going wrong in his NFL career, where does GOD fit into all of this?

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Everything was going right with Tebow: Heisman trophy winner, 2 NCAA championships, 1st round draft pick, starting as Quarterback for the Denver Broncos, leading the Broncos to a playoff win to reach the Divisional Round, picked up by an ailing Jets squad in dire need of a Quarterback, then picked up again by the power house Patriots team with the superior coaching of Bill Billicheck and then finally, all of a sudden…he is released….out into the unemployed wild.

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If Tebow is no longer playing in the NFL (his lifelong dream) then is there really a God?

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Has GOD led Tebow to the Arena Football League to play for the L.A. KISS?  Really? This is what Tim Tebow’s hard efforts and prayer have brought him: nothing but an embarrassing washed up NFL career?

WTF GOD?!  If Tebow can’t make it in God’s good graces than what the hell are the rest of us heathens to do?  Tebow’s positive attitude and hopeful spirit is something you don’t see everyday in sports.  It was refreshing to hear him talk about the upside of his down and out career situations and move forward in admirable fashion.  But how admirable is it if you are going to go live out your career playing for a football team owned by the band KISS?

(Haha that would be kinda sweet)

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BUT, did you ever think that THIS is MEANT TO BE for Tebow.  Maybe Tebow is meant to an analyst on ESPN for College Football (replacing Lee Corso…..AMAZING) or perhaps to steer his football efforts and expertise more towards coaching. Tebow had a great run, some would say even a phenomenal, but I think it is safe to say that Tebowmania has come to a close.

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Tebow already fulfilled his childhood dream of playing Quarterback in the NFL, just not a very long dream. Maybe his other unspoken dreams of NOT playing Quarterback will eventually come true, whatever those may be.  What does the homeboy Jesus think?

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