ESPN: World Wide Leader of Baloney

ESPN. The worldwide leader in sports….or is it something else, something dishonest, something false, something almost as fake as an E! television show.

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Although I do enjoy watching my Top 10 from time to time…and those damn 30 for 30s are just too good to pass up, lately ESPN’s news coverage has been a bit unbearable….in fact downright shameful.

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It all started last fall with Les Miles and his “pending termination” from LSU.

For a good two weeks ESPN wouldn’t shut up about LSU firing Les Miles, interviewing anyone they could find on campus to ask them their thoughts on the matter.  Yes, of course, one of the best college football coaches in the land who has taken his team to 11 bowl games with a 7-4 record, a coach that weaseled his way into convincing the NCAA to share a BCS Championship with USC, a coach who has an overall winning record with 112 wins and 32 loses is going to get canned. Makes sense to me.

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Hell the guy is environmental for god sakes, he actually drinks grass. Why would LSU get rid of this guy?

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It was so over-publicized that for his last home game in Baton Rouge, his team literally carried him off the field (RUDY, RUDY), because ESPN successfully convinced them that this was the last time they would be playing for Les Miles.

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ESPN fasho was front row and center for the post-game press conference for “The Announcement.”  Sorry Lebron, not this time.

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And you think it couldn’t get any worse?  Introducing Super Bowl 50, Cam Newton vs. White America.  I’m sure no one can exactly pin point who began this idiotic discussion, but I would definitely bet that ESPN had something to do with it.  And why wouldn’t they? Race is a hot enough topic that always ignites rapid fire op-eds and discussions in the news and beyond.  Some would say that’s just good journalism…..puke in my mouth.

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“The Plight of the Black Quarterback,” they are calling it.  Cam Newton is making headlines not because he has led his team to their second Super Bowl or the fact that he is highly favored to win this year’s MVP, but because of his celebratory antics and “fun” behavior on the field.

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Unfortunately, the rules that apply to other star quarterbacks in the NFL don’t seem to apply to Newton. And according to ESPN reports,  he apparently knows exactly why.

“I’m an African-American quarterback that may scare a lot of people,” Newton said frankly just days after winning the NFC Championship game. “[B]ecause they haven’t seen nothing that they can compare me to.”

Paging Russel Wilson……an African American Quarterback who actually has a Super Bowl ring honey, hold up.

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Perhaps Cam Newton is the one who brought up the issue, but ESPN is having a fucking FIELD DAY, covering the story like white on rice….sorry bad choice of words there.

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There is not much talk about Peyton Manning, no real talks about the point spread, only talks about Cam Newton and his race.

Linking his antics to his race is somewhat of a cowardly blow (YEAH CAM).  However, it is not ‘pathetic cowardice’ that ESPN is worried about it.  No, they need to hold the attention of their viewers at all costs, even if it means hosting an on-site poll asking fans to vote what they think of the issue.

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Newton’s “race” really isn’t the issue to begin with.  The only reason it is an issue is because ESPN is making it “THE ISSUE.” The true issue, which the ESPN poll participants have so sensibly concluded, is his behavior. Nothing about his childish behavior is linked to the color of his skin. Nothing about his college antics of cheating on a number of final exams, stealing expensive electronics from students’ dorm rooms, getting arrested in 2008 with charges of grand theft, burglary, and obstructing justice.  And who can forget his father, Cecil Newton, seeking $120,000 to $180,000 for his son to sign with the Bulldogs out of junior college.

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His past and present actions speak louder than race.  In fact, they SCREAM.

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By the way, someone should snatch that Heisman back…..

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Bringing up race is never a good idea, unless you are running a news station I guess. I understand why ESPN is fixating on the issue, but I feel that sports is the one place where ACTIONS should speak louder than one’s words or appearance. Only performance on (and off) the field should be judged. ESPN should know better.

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I can’t speak for everyone, but I don’t think we are judging Cam Newton by his race.  We are judging him strictly on his actions, both past and present.  Yes, he loves to have fun on the field and wants everybody to recognize it.  Fine, cool, go for it buddy.  Just make the cheerleaders look bad why don’t you.

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But why ESPN…WHY must you focus on his race? This merely makes the rest of us look bad because by watching your programming (which is prtety inevitable if you are a sports fan), we are unconscionably placing this topic of concern in our own minds, putting the discussion in the forefront, ultimately undermining what we have worked so hard to achieve as a society, where race shouldn’t the ultimate judgement.  It’s in the Constitution y’all!

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Now I am truly scared to see what type of questions ESPN reporters will ask Newton after the Super Bowl, win or lose.  “So Cam, do you feel any BLACK-ER winning/losing the Super Bowl….?”

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What will you be drinking this Sunday?

What is the one thing you instantaneously think of when you hear the words, “The Super Bowl.”  Well, a lot comes to mind: Football (I would sure hope so), commercials, The Halftime Show and, quite possibly, Doritos.

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But if you are a hard-hitting muscle testosterone driven individual, you think of one thing : BEER.

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There are so many tasty brews out there, it’s hard to just pick one.  But let’s get one thing straight.  The Super Bowl isn’t the time nor place for those fancy micro-brews (unless your Hipster, but what true Hipster watches sports?).  Save those expensive beers for an art gallery opening.

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So for your viewing and tasting pleasure, I picked the top 5 (affordable) beers to bring to your Super Bowl party.  To duly note: I am avoiding high-alcohol beers—you don’t want the lightweight LAME-Os to fall asleep…or make their chips and salsa magically appear again on your couch.  Second, I want to try and offer some sort of variety so there’s something for everyone, and finally , I am solely basing my selections on their 2013 Super Bowl commercials.  That’s right.  The Super Bowl wouldn’t have it any other way 🙂

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5. Redd’s Apple Ale

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This might have been Redd’s Apple Ale’s first prime time television commercial slot, but it doesn’t really do anything to convince me to chug this.  This is obviously marketed for the chicas.  Instead of ordering the stereotypical Appletini at the bar, the ladies can opt for an apple tasting beer while watching football with the fellas, saving themselves from estrogenic embarrassment.  So what gives with the dude ordering the beer in the commercial?

Basically, violence is what makes people drink this beer.  Whoever is throwing the apple at your head is definitely not your friend.  If you want something sweet, go for Woodchuck Cider. Besides, it is a known fact that beavers are the friendliest animal.

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4. Heineken

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Ok this one is a bit frustrating. Too many unanswered questions with not enough cute cuddly dog humor to back it up.

Since when do dogs drink beer?  Since when can you bring dogs to a bar?  Since when do all guys who drink beer have dogs? Why would you ultimately go to a bar if you ran out of beer instead of going to a nearby liquor store? Much easier when you are bringing your dog along.   This is why Heineken shouldn’t be one of your top choices because your dog keeps hiding them, making you spend more money at the bar and more money on those stolen six packs 😦  Man’s best friend indeed.

3. Budweiser Black Crown

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This commercial is a bit off-putting.  I know Budweiser is trying to take over the beer world, but this beer commercial is making it out to be more of a cocktail party turned dance party than a laid back get together.

The Budweiser audience just can’t connect to this commercial, nor would want to drink it while watching the Super Bowl.  Despite its good taste, nobody who goes to a dimly lit lounge dressed in black cocktail attire dancing on tables is drinking beer.  This commercial is geared more towards the fancy vodka, whiskey, scotch sipping crowd, you know, classy.  Beer can be classy, but this is Super Bowl, an event that is anything but classy.

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2. Bud Light

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DUH!  It is THE Super Bowl beer.  They only have like 4 different commercials.  Last year’s commercial is interesting but has nothing to do with beer.  It has to do with a magical chair…..

Ok, not the best commercial.  Although it’s cool celebrity guest spots with Stevie Wonder and the Avatar chick are fun to watch, it still has nothing at all to do with beer.  I guess this was the time to their let their advertisers unleash their creativity, to market Bud Light in a different way, since this is the most over-exposed beer brand in the country.  But really, voodoo witchcraft?

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Nevertheless, Bud Light is always around when the Super Bowl is on.  And a 30 rack is so goddamn cheap, how can you say no?

1. Budweiser

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This is by far the best commercial because of its use of an adorable beast horse remembering the man friend that raised him.  Oh the Budweiser Clydesdale horses, thank you for giving us a touching tender moment that warms the heart….oh yea, and transporting our beer….I think.  Whatever, they are cute!

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A Necessary Apology: Nothing but BUD dominating the list.  Seriously dude, it’s taking over the entire Super Bowl commercial slots.  Well, now we know what beer company has the largest advertising budget.  Now I’m just waiting for their new 2014 commercial…… introducing UNCLE BUDS: the beer you love but with a new quirky taste.

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Omissions: Miller Light and Coors Light

Two of my favorite cheap Go-To Light beers for any get together.  The Super Bowl is the ideal event to snag a 12- pack of these bad boys because they’re very light (light enough to consume for 5 hours), great for beer pong, they don’ t leave a terrible gut-wrenching dish water taste in your mouth and you don’t feel bad if you spill it all over the place because they are both so cheap.  Just remember to clean up.

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Sadly both Miller Light and Coors Light didn’t have commercials in last year’s Super Bowl 😦  Maybe it’s because they didn’t have the means to scrounge up $1 million+ dollars to buy a spot.  OR maybe they ran out of money in their advertising budget because they choose to run their commercials 50,000 times throughout the entire year.  Well, it must be working.  I’m still buying them.

Cheers to Sunday!

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Shermanology

NFL: St. Louis Rams at Seattle Seahawks

All of Sports Media is a buzz about Richard Sherman and his less than mature antics after winning the NFC championship game against the 49ers.  In case you have been living under a rock, Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman blocked a game winning pass intended for 49er’s receiver Michael Crabtree in the end zone in last Sunday’s NFC Championship game.  Immediately after the play, Sherman smacked Crabtree on his bootie and exchanged some words….basically showboating and rubbing it in his face.  Crabtree proceeded to shove him in the face.

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First off, let me just say it was beyond sweet seeing Jim Harbaugh truly angry throughout the entire game.  What truly would have been amazing is if Sherman directed his showboating towards his old Stanford coach and gave him a big hug after the play……”Thanks Coach! Couldn’t have done it without your tight khaki pants!” Ahhh, can you just imagine the tantrum??

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Anyways, back to business.  Richard Sherman is either the biggest jerk alive or the smartest man alive.  Were his antics necessary?  In short, yes, yes they were because nobody can stop talking about him, which I think is EXACTLY what he wanted.

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Richard Sherman is getting more press than ever.  His own football jersey is now among the top 10 best-selling jerseys in the league, according to sales rankings provided to ESPN.com from the league official store NFLSHOP.com.  Sherman has broken into the top 10 for the first time.  Sherman has also witnessed his Twitter account balloon by more than 270,000 followers in the first 24 hours. In fact, he has singularly been talked about as much as both the Seahawks and 49ers combined.

GEE, I wonder WHY?

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Interestingly enough, Sherman on Wednesday retracted his post-game comments, comments that are less than classy, “I’m the best Cornerback in the game,” “I was making sure everyone knew Crabtree was a mediocre receiver, ” and then my favorite, “Crabtree. Don’t you open your mouth about the best or I’m gonna shut it for you real quick.”  Sounds a bit threatening bro.

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Let’s start calling this for what it is:  SHERMANOLOGY = Being a Dick = Popularity = $$

It’s true!  Sherman is an ivy-league educated athlete with a GPA of 4.0 straight out of Compton, CA, I think we can safely say he isn’t THAT dumb.  Well, let’s not include Jonathan Martin in this conversation,  that guy is just a big fat whiner.

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Sherman knew exactly what he was going to do, what to say and who to say it to this season if the Seahawks were going to take it to the Superbowl.  With all the press coverage, interviews, jersey sales and twitter popularity, Sherman has put on the new face of “what is trending,” for weeks to come.  I don’t care what anybody else says out there, I think this Shermonolgy strategy is genius, and possibly a way of NFL life.

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The guy is not only a great player who is brilliantly self-marketing his name, he is also remorseful.  He has already come out and apologized for his comments, “It is what it is. Things like that happen and you deal with the adversity. I come from a place where it’s all adversity (STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON), so what’s a little more or people telling you what you can’t do. I really was surprised. If I had known it was going to blow up like that I would have approached it differently, just in terms of the way it took away from my teammates. That’s the thing I feel regretful about.”

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Oh snap.  This guy doesn’t even need a publicist, he knows what to say, how to say it and when to say it, leaving us sports fans only wanting more. My only concern would be if they lose the Superbowl and Sherman directs his bad sportsmanship and frustration towards Peyton Manning. Now who would have the balls to do that to Peyton Manning?

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Peyton Manning is too beloved in the NFL to be subject to classless harassment, so if Sherman learned anything from his Shermanology, he knows better than to disrespect Peyton.  Otherwise, the city of Omaha will be on his ass like shit on Velcro.

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The Annexation of Puerto Rico

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It’s hard to ignore the magnitude this Sunday’s Super Bowl holds.  I don’t think anybody could have called this one.  Not even Carnac the Magnificent could have predicted that two brothers would be coaching against each other in the Super Bowl.  It’s a good old fashion family showdown between John Harbaugh and Jim Harbaugh.  Some are even calling it the Har-Bowl.  How original boys.  Yesterday, the Harbaugh parents held a media day of their own, discussing how proud they are of their sons and that this Sunday will be tough to root for both Jim and John.  It’s like Cain and Abel all over again.  Which son do you want to win?  Which son is truly the Harbaugh favorite?

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I don’t know about you but I couldn’t help but think of one of my favorite childhood sports movies, The Little Giants.  This Superbowl is the EXACT same storyline of the 1994 family film……except the fact that the film is about pewee football game taking place in a small Ohio town.  Nevertheless, the fictional story is about two brothers, the O’Shea brothers, Danny living in the shadow of his older brother, Kevin , a Heisman Trophy winner and local football hero. Kevin coaches the elite pewee Cowboys football team while Danny takes on the opposing gang of misfits who call themselves ‘The Little Giants’ in an attempt to show their hometown that his older brother isn’t invincible and that there is another O’shea who is capable of winning.  The little brother isn’t always the LOSER dammit.

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This Superbowl Sunday is literally almost like a cross story with this classic film.  Bigger brother versus little brother, one trying to prove each other’s worth. But the roles are a bit reversed, see John Harbaugh is little brother Danny O’shea (Rick Moranis- ultimate nerd) when in actuality he is the older brother to Jim, who is older brother Kevin O’shea (Ed O’Neil- Al Bundy- The Douche).  Despite their roles being reversed, the personalities closely resonate.

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Of course on the Super Bowl’s Media Day this last Tuesday, the Harbaugh boys got a show, their own show, the Harbaugh variety hour.  All prominent media hubs, such as ESPN and Sports Illustrated, all asked the Harbaugh boys the same questions, questions touching upon on the brothers traditional upbringing in Ann Arbor, Michigan, their intense sibling rivalry as well as their relentless football aspirations.

If you’ve happened to have read any of these articles, seen their joint press conference or  have gotten a chance to see the way these Harbaugh boys coach during the regular season, you would instantly know …..these guys are very different.  In fact, they are SOO different that it really only makes sense to root for one.  That’s right, you have to root for Danny O’shea…..I mean John.

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John is humble, collected and just seems a bit nicer when you watch his interviews, his coaching demeanor and his attitude.  Jim on the other hand is a complete hot head.  Jim is aggressive, intense, and just flat-out a jerk face.  It’s one thing to blow off the handle when a bad play is called but it is quite another to humiliate an opposing head coach after a crushing defeat.  Jim is the kind of jerk face that just always wants to be top dog.  For example, their press conference this morning, John shows up in a classy suit and tie while Jim, because he thinks he is just so darn cool, shows up in his typical coaching douche outfit complete with khakis and 49er’s hat. Puke in my mouth. This is EXACTLY why the ‘Harbowl’ is like ‘The Little Giants.’  url

Kevin O’shea is the big bad brother who always brought his little brother down just because he wanted to, just because he could.  Plus, Kevin O’shea never changed outfits throughout the entire movie, sporting his same blue track suit like jacket and polyester short shorts.  Jim is clearly that older brother persona, even though he is 15 months younger than John.  Jim is taller than John, bigger than John, has had a more successful career in the NFL than John.  Although both brothers seem amicable and are still giving off that ‘we bicker and fight but love each other’ brothers, you know this Super Bowl is a battle between good and evil.

You think I’m crazy?  I’m not crazy.  I have proof.  Just check out this fun video I found on crossing the Harbaugh Boys with The Little Giants.  Pure genius, especially with the Bill Bellicheck cameo.

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I adore this movie, some of the greatest one-liners as well as a comical cameo from real NFL players like Emmitt Smith, Tim Brown, Steve Emtman and even coach John Madden.  Listen if you don’t know who John Madden is and only know him as the popular football video game, then you clearly weren’t born in the 80’s and probably haven’t even heard of The Little Giants.  Seriously, Netflix that shit NOW!

If you are having trouble choosing which side to root for this Super Bowl.  Let me make it easier for you…  GO RAVENS= LITTLE GIANTS!  JOHN 4 LIFE.  You always gotta root for the underdog especially when the jerk face brother is on the opposing team.  You don’t want to see the douche bag beat the humble good guy do you?  John has Ray Lewis, the beast felon.  You think if the 49ers win, Ray is going to be ok with that?  Just don’t wear a white suit that night.  Plus John is cuter.  Jim be fugg busted and nobody in Disney World would have him….well maybe Ursula.

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