A-hole Justice?

Does A-rod, aka A-hole, really deserve justice?  Alex Rodriguez is suing Major League Baseball and its players’ union, seeking to overturn a season-long suspension imposed by an arbitrator who ruled there was “clear and convincing evidence” he used three banned substances and twice tried to obstruct the sport’s drug investigation.  Yikes….

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“Clear and convincing evidence” ladies and gentlemen.  That does sound pretty convincing.  But I’m no lawyer so let’s see if we can pick a good man of the law for A-hole (let’s face it, A-rod would never pick a woman to defend him in court, sexist centaur).

Rodriguez in his suit claimed the Major League Baseball Players Association “completely abdicated its responsibility to Mr. Rodriguez to protect his rights” and “this inaction by MLBPA created a climate in which MLB felt free to trample” on Rodriguez’s confidentiality rights.  Cry me a river…..

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I know there is someone out there who will protect your rights A-hole, even though your big butt couldn’t tell the difference from right or wrong.  But this is America, and every American deserves justice.  Since I am only familiar with lawyers of the fictitious persuasion, I am cutting down my list of lawyers from feature films and television shows.  Word.  Ready to bow down to the law A-hole?

1. Lionel Hutz

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So his “office” is in a mall, says he studied law at the Louvre and he never really knows what he’s doing (or even knows basic law words, such as “jury” or “innocent”). But if we go to court, we might as well make it fun.  A-hole’s case is quite comical since there is mounting evidence against him, maybe Mr. Hutz can use it to his advantage by distracting the jury into thinking A-rod is the victim of PEDs.  Or just not wear any pants…..

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Best lawyer-speak:
Lionel Hutz: I move for a “bad court thingy.”
Judge Snyder: You mean a mistrial?
Lionel Hutz: Yeah! That’s why you’re the “judge” and I’m the “law-talking guy.”
Judge Snyder: The lawyer?
Lionel Hutz: Right.

2. Atticus Finch

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Yes, he’s an obvious choice. But let’s count down his awesomeness: stands up to racists, is a wonderful single father who teaches his daughter valuable life lessons, wears a nice three-piece suit. He represents the best that any of us can hope to be. He is selfless, fearless and unflinching.  Yea…traits that don’t really resonate with A-hole.  Obviously Atticus would be the right choice if A-hole had a conscience….

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Preach it Atticus…..just not to A-hole…

Best lawyer-speak: “In the name of GOD, do your duty. In the name of God, believe … Tom Robinson.”

3. Jack McCoy

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Law and Order seriously needs its own channel by now.  Steely, brilliant, tough but kindly … Jack McCoy is your man for New York City justice.  Don’t let the kind demeanor fool you. McCoy mostly deals with homicide and badass murder cases.  This guy is clearly to badass for A-hole’s controversial corporate case, unless A-hole murdered Bug Selig…..

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Best lawyer-speak: “Your grief might be a little more convincing, sir, if you hadn’t just admitted you cut off your wife’s head.”

4. Vincent “Vinny” Gambini

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Oh my cousin Vinny.  This would be the obvious choice for A-hole because of his smooth laid-back persuasive New York City style.  He will tell it like it is, even if it isn’t what his clients want to hear.  A-hole could use a good kick in his big butt even if it is from a small smart mouthed Italian man.

Vinny may not win the case due to the lack of substantial evidence proving A-hole’s innocence but at least he would make the case an entertaining debacle.

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Best lawyer-speak: “[opening statements] Uh… everything that guy just said is bullshit… Thank you.”

5. Tom Hagen

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If the clear-headed, calm Hagen can deal with various Corleone shenanigans (namely murder — involving horses and people), then he can surely deal with A-hole’s legal issues. Especially since his legal issues may or may not involve horse-related revenge.  Tom could be up A-hole’s alley, but is a possible threat due to Hagen’s truthful nature.  Despite him being a New York boy affiliated with the mob, Tom is still a moral guy who can even see through his little brother’s, Michael Corleone, evil bullshit.

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Best lawyer-speak: “I have a special practice. I handle one client. Now you have my number, I’ll wait for your call.”

6. Harvey Birdman

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Harvey has managed to obtain justice for numerous figures in the cartoon world, including Apache Chief (when he spilt hot coffee on his lap and found himself unable to grow……you know….up) and Fred Flintstone (who was accused of being a Mafia figure, the Dabba Don). Surely he could take those lawyering skills and put them to use for live-action clients as well.

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Since taking all those PEDs in the past, some would consider A-hole a cartoon.

Best lawyer-speak: “Debbie, we are going to need some law books.  With pictures this time.”

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7. Fletcher Reid

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Fletcher would be perfect but there is only ONE problem.  He can’t lie. Without lying, A-hole doesn’t stand a chance.

Best lawyer-speak: “Stop breaking the law, asshole!”

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I bet you right about now A-hole is wishing there were no lawyers in the world, a world where we can all go back to playing good old baseball and focusing on what was once good about the game. A tainted free pastime of America 🙂

Yea, that ain’t going to happen A-hole.  The damage is done.  You and Baseball are busted.

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I call Shenanigans

The NCAA really just needs to die a quick and painful death.

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Honestly with the flip-flopping, improper treatment and down right shady behavior, the NCAA has solidified itself as THE most counterproductive, incompetent, STUPID athletic association of all time.

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Ever since this Johnny Manziel fiasco, bestowing a 30 minute time out as sufficient punishment for the Heisman Trophy Winner, the multi-billion dollar lawsuit brought on by past/present college athletes suing the NCAA for unfair treatment of student-athletes (or is it athlete-students…?), cutting ties with EA Games as well as the persistent douchebaggary of the Association, no one can take the NCAA seriously anymore.

You would think after all this controversy that the NCAA would get their shit together and start acting like a real collegiate authority, but no, their authority is as trustworthy as an alcohol free punch bowl at a frat party.  A JOKE.

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Just like their revisionist history penalty, the NCAA is backtracking.  The NCAA announced Tuesday that it would begin to restore some of the scholarships it took from Penn State in the aftermath of the Jerry Sandusky child sex-abuse scandal.   Penn State, under Coach Bill O’Brien, will be allowed to increase its scholarship number to 75 in 2014-15, 80 in 2015-16 and begin competing with the maximum 85 in the 2016-17 academic year.

Puke in my mouth, wtf NCAA.  Answer me this, what does revisionist history solve??  Better yet, let’s ask Doc Brown, he will know what to do.

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As a college football fan, forgive me for calling: Shenanigans!!

I am calling Shenanigans on the NCAA for their fickle executive decisions.  Did I say decisions?  I meant temporary punishments?  Did I say punishments?  I meant a croc of shit.

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Why have we let these ass clowns decide what is ok and what isn’t ok in college sports when they don’t even know what to do themselves?  Why have our leaders backtrack on decisions they have already made?  Doesn’t that merely reflect poor judgement and weak character from our supposed confident leaders?  Seriously, what gives George Bush?

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Their decision to reduce the penalties by giving back the scholarships they initially took away from Penn State University is ridiculous.  Why…WHY!?!  Can we at least be given an explanation as to why these penalties are forgiven and other can not be, like USC.

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USC thought, why not? If Penn State can get away with years child sexual abuse then maybe we can get away with one player’s greed, a greed that lives in every warm-blooded collegiate athlete (cough:: Johnny Football:::).  Hey, can’t blame USC for trying.

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The NCAA required less than a day to rule on USC’s latest appeal to modify the sanctions handed down in the case.

A day after USC Athletic Director Pat Haden met with NCAA officials in Indianapolis to request an easing of scholarship reductions, the NCAA said Friday that there would be no appeal.

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It’s honestly this inconsistency in the NCAA that is beyond frustrating.  Ever since USC was given the harshest punishments ever handed down by the NCAA back in June 2010, there has yet to be an equal punishment.  Penn State came close but DUDE, are we seriously having this argument? Child rape vs. money….. clearly 1 individual’s greedy behavior yet realistic career aspirations is much worse than child sex abuse.  Yes, of course.

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I don’t want to get into the East Coast vs West Coast battle, but clearly this East Coast bias has yet to, perhaps ever, subside in college sports.  Let us save that for another time.  All I ask is for the NCAA to be stern, to be honest and is to too much to ask to be FAIR?!

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With little shiesty actions like these, the NCAA is becoming more and more obsolete and down right idiotic.  My call of Shenanigans is also a call for a Disbandment: disbandment of all the current associates presently at the NCAA.   Because clearly nobody there can tell the difference between what is right and what is wrong.

Doesn’t the NCAA remind of you the big bad woman Principal in Roald Dahl’s Maltida, Mrs. Trunchbull. The relentless educator who just bullies everybody for no reason at all?

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Grabbing kids by the pigtails, throwing them over the fences, making fat kids eat cake and putting children into the chokey.  That’s where USC will remain now and forever……the chokey.

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Realistically college sports needs a police system, needs some higher administration, needs ORDER, so the NCAA can’t just go away.  I can only pray that this multi-billion dollar lawsuit bankrupts those bastards and takes everything from them, leaving them with the only option of closing their doors and allowing each conference to independently regulate themselves.   Lord, don’t fail me now!

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Johnny Whoops

Whoops he DID it again.

Johnny Manziel just can’t seem to keep his hands off his social media….or beer.

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Having virtual access to the I WANT IT NOW social media by owning any of the technological devices smarter than us (smartphones, tablets and laptops ), it isn’t hard to believe that anyone can make a mistake while tweeting, facebooking, instagramming, youtubing, tumblering, wordpressing….. anymore -ings?

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It’s true, nobody can escape the eyes and ears of social media.  It’s EVERYWHERE.

But Johnny Manziel isn’t anyone.

Johnny got caught red-handed tweeting:

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You just can’t seem to keep your mouth shut can you Football boy?

Now here is a thought: Wouldn’t you think a young guy who has been around social media his WHOLE life, a guy who is far more knowledgable than your typical older athlete about all the fun digital toys, interactive channels and open digital communication would know better than to stream his unfiltered opinions on a public platform that million and MILLIONS of people have access to?  Yes, you WOULD think that.

ANOTHER thought: Being the only College Freshman football player to ever win the Heisman Trophy, wouldn’t he be surrounded by coaches, publicists, higher collegiate authorities and SEC conference officials to advise him to be more cautious and perhaps mute when expressing his honest opinion about issues that pertain to his athletic ability, academic standing and recreational activities in public?

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Yes Johnny, social media is public.

You have thousands and thousands of followers, I don’t think your tweets will go unnoticed unless you start tweeting solely in emoticons.  Hmmm…I may be on to something….

Then there is the loop-hole: He is twenty years old.  What were you doing at twenty?  Exactly…..nothing you would want to broadcast to the entire Twitter sphere.

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He is one of the most popular youngsters in America because he has accomplished something no one has ever done before. Of course he deserves a little celebration, a kick back, a keg stand…what ever he chooses.  He just needs to know the consequences of his actions, because his actions are being watched by the ENTIRE country. (Come on, what else do we gotta do?)

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(I mean, come on, the kid is straight up goofy looking.  Do you think he would be getting all this attention solely for his good looks…..?)

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So dude, Mr. Football, just don’t air your frustrations in the Twitter world when you have over 400,000 followers, you AREN’T going to go unnoticed.  But I bet you already knew that didn’t you…..

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Sigh…..kids today 😛

Standing up to NCAA you say?

Standing up to NCAA you say?

Take a good look college boys…because this is what you are going to be staring at when your taking on the NCAA……

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You might be asking yourself…..what’s the big deal.  Oh ….you just wait….with money….college…athletics…..and Sauron involved, there is bound to be an apocalypse of crystal football proportions.

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One ring (cha-ching$$) to rule them all…..

Let’s just hope there are some smarty pants working for the NCAA to save the day….

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