A-hole Justice?

Does A-rod, aka A-hole, really deserve justice?  Alex Rodriguez is suing Major League Baseball and its players’ union, seeking to overturn a season-long suspension imposed by an arbitrator who ruled there was “clear and convincing evidence” he used three banned substances and twice tried to obstruct the sport’s drug investigation.  Yikes….

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“Clear and convincing evidence” ladies and gentlemen.  That does sound pretty convincing.  But I’m no lawyer so let’s see if we can pick a good man of the law for A-hole (let’s face it, A-rod would never pick a woman to defend him in court, sexist centaur).

Rodriguez in his suit claimed the Major League Baseball Players Association “completely abdicated its responsibility to Mr. Rodriguez to protect his rights” and “this inaction by MLBPA created a climate in which MLB felt free to trample” on Rodriguez’s confidentiality rights.  Cry me a river…..

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I know there is someone out there who will protect your rights A-hole, even though your big butt couldn’t tell the difference from right or wrong.  But this is America, and every American deserves justice.  Since I am only familiar with lawyers of the fictitious persuasion, I am cutting down my list of lawyers from feature films and television shows.  Word.  Ready to bow down to the law A-hole?

1. Lionel Hutz

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So his “office” is in a mall, says he studied law at the Louvre and he never really knows what he’s doing (or even knows basic law words, such as “jury” or “innocent”). But if we go to court, we might as well make it fun.  A-hole’s case is quite comical since there is mounting evidence against him, maybe Mr. Hutz can use it to his advantage by distracting the jury into thinking A-rod is the victim of PEDs.  Or just not wear any pants…..

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Best lawyer-speak:
Lionel Hutz: I move for a “bad court thingy.”
Judge Snyder: You mean a mistrial?
Lionel Hutz: Yeah! That’s why you’re the “judge” and I’m the “law-talking guy.”
Judge Snyder: The lawyer?
Lionel Hutz: Right.

2. Atticus Finch

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Yes, he’s an obvious choice. But let’s count down his awesomeness: stands up to racists, is a wonderful single father who teaches his daughter valuable life lessons, wears a nice three-piece suit. He represents the best that any of us can hope to be. He is selfless, fearless and unflinching.  Yea…traits that don’t really resonate with A-hole.  Obviously Atticus would be the right choice if A-hole had a conscience….

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Preach it Atticus…..just not to A-hole…

Best lawyer-speak: “In the name of GOD, do your duty. In the name of God, believe … Tom Robinson.”

3. Jack McCoy

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Law and Order seriously needs its own channel by now.  Steely, brilliant, tough but kindly … Jack McCoy is your man for New York City justice.  Don’t let the kind demeanor fool you. McCoy mostly deals with homicide and badass murder cases.  This guy is clearly to badass for A-hole’s controversial corporate case, unless A-hole murdered Bug Selig…..

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Best lawyer-speak: “Your grief might be a little more convincing, sir, if you hadn’t just admitted you cut off your wife’s head.”

4. Vincent “Vinny” Gambini

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Oh my cousin Vinny.  This would be the obvious choice for A-hole because of his smooth laid-back persuasive New York City style.  He will tell it like it is, even if it isn’t what his clients want to hear.  A-hole could use a good kick in his big butt even if it is from a small smart mouthed Italian man.

Vinny may not win the case due to the lack of substantial evidence proving A-hole’s innocence but at least he would make the case an entertaining debacle.

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Best lawyer-speak: “[opening statements] Uh… everything that guy just said is bullshit… Thank you.”

5. Tom Hagen

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If the clear-headed, calm Hagen can deal with various Corleone shenanigans (namely murder — involving horses and people), then he can surely deal with A-hole’s legal issues. Especially since his legal issues may or may not involve horse-related revenge.  Tom could be up A-hole’s alley, but is a possible threat due to Hagen’s truthful nature.  Despite him being a New York boy affiliated with the mob, Tom is still a moral guy who can even see through his little brother’s, Michael Corleone, evil bullshit.

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Best lawyer-speak: “I have a special practice. I handle one client. Now you have my number, I’ll wait for your call.”

6. Harvey Birdman

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Harvey has managed to obtain justice for numerous figures in the cartoon world, including Apache Chief (when he spilt hot coffee on his lap and found himself unable to grow……you know….up) and Fred Flintstone (who was accused of being a Mafia figure, the Dabba Don). Surely he could take those lawyering skills and put them to use for live-action clients as well.

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Since taking all those PEDs in the past, some would consider A-hole a cartoon.

Best lawyer-speak: “Debbie, we are going to need some law books.  With pictures this time.”

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7. Fletcher Reid

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Fletcher would be perfect but there is only ONE problem.  He can’t lie. Without lying, A-hole doesn’t stand a chance.

Best lawyer-speak: “Stop breaking the law, asshole!”

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I bet you right about now A-hole is wishing there were no lawyers in the world, a world where we can all go back to playing good old baseball and focusing on what was once good about the game. A tainted free pastime of America 🙂

Yea, that ain’t going to happen A-hole.  The damage is done.  You and Baseball are busted.

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America’s Present Time

America’s Present Time

Another day, another scandal of PED use in the MLB.  Your typical baseball day in the good old US of A right?.  How sad is it that I can write that without any remorse, without so much as a flinch in my fingertips?

SteroidsThe MLB has been plagued with PED users and scandal since BIG Mac and Sammy Sosa were battling it out in the 1998 Home run race.  Some would even say the biggest blow from this steroid era is the lack of punishment from upper management.  Yea, that’s right Bud Selig, you haven’t done shizzz to help ameliorate the situation.  (I dare not say “solve’ because this problem will never be solved the rate its going). You really think a suspension is getting through these balloon heads?  Or are the millions and millions of dollars not burning enough in your pockets?

The biggest, perhaps hugest, BLOW to the game isn’t the players, isn’t the business, it’s heart.  This never-ending steroid era has sucked out everything what was once good in the game, the game we love to call our “Pastime.”

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But is it still “America’s Pastime?”  Never once has the thought crossed my minds that “America’s Pastime” may no longer be “America’s Pastime.” A game now filled with players, players we trusted and adored that are tearing down the heart and soul of a game with lies and deceit, a game we cherish and love so much in this country. A country’s beloved sport that was proudly built upon the freedom, hard work and independence of the common man is now a sport we can no longer look to for future comfort, only in its rich past of players breaking records in an honest good-hearted fashion.

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The real beauty behind the sport of Baseball is what it represents to every American, to the country:  It is US.  (Hahaha United States, get it?).  What we were, what we are and what we want to become.  America is Baseball.  Baseball has grown with the country and has seen it through thick and thin, good and bad, giving Americans comfort during times of national hardship and loss, evoking more nostalgia among Americans than any other sport, a democratic sport played by the common man, by US.  So when one of US betrays the trust of the entire country, there is unfortunately damage that can’t be undone.

(What went wrong Roger Maris, what went wrong??)

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So here is the million dollar question: Is the pure innocence of the sport forever lost?  Can we ever get back to our pastime?

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In all honesty, probably not.  When situations like Ryan Braun and A-rod emerge, we can only hang our heads in shame and hope for a better tomorrow for Baseball because this is no longer taboo, it is the norm.  PEDs are the norm.  What the hell…..

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The only thing we can do is truly shame those players that lie and cheat the sport, the players who are making our nation’s sport a mockery, ultimately making the country a mockery.  This sucks……

As a baseball fan, all you can do is hope for the best in these type of situations and as the Ken Burns ‘Baseball’ Documentary says in the concluding 10th inning series, ‘We move forward.’  As Americans, we move forward and try to remember all that was good in the game….and still is.

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There are still players out there who are honest, forthright….and don’t take freakin’ PEDs to play the game well, who remind us that Baseball is still America’s sport despite all the selfish (and stupid) actions of some players.

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We love Baseball and we will never let it slip away from our fingers.  So Bud Selig, get it together…kick out those players who test positive for those Hercules drugs, strip away those players any awards or recognitions they have received during their PED use and shame them.  Shaming a baseball player and forever taking away the game he has loved since he was a child is punishment enough.

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A-hole tearing himself a new one

The more and more information trickling down to the masses about Alex Rodriguez and his use of PEDs, the more and more you wish that Centaur Portrait of himself is still hung in his bedroom.  This big ass third baseman is at it again, first his lack of post season play and now deceit.

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Alex Rodriguez of the celebrated New York Yankees has been accused of using PEDS again. And now the Yankees want OUT of his lucrative contract…what they owe him like $114 million or something?  Yeesh.  Good one guys.  Now apparently he is going to rehabilitation for the drugs?!  Hah, just kidding. The fool had hip surgery and is in need of some rehabilitation if he wants to play baseball, let alone walk, again.  The Yankees estimated with the right rehabilitation, A-hole can return before the All-Star Break.

??????????????????????????????  So who is this Anthony Bosch character?  The guy supposedly injected A-hole the drugs at his Miami home after A-hole came out of the closet and admitted to his past use of steroids to the public.  I wouldn’t be surprised if A-hole did in fact take the steroids and would lie about it.  But has he necessarily lied about it?  He hasn’t even come out with a statement yet.  What do his teammates have to say about this debacle?

 

 

“I don’t comment on anyone until they speak first. Let him address his situation before I comment on it. Let him speak first and then we’ll talk about that,” Derek Jeter said when asked about A-hole.  He has a point.  A-hole has yet to discuss this matter with the public.  He has already discussed his past use of PEDs but not this recent development, leaving us only in speculation and assumption.  th

 

 

 

Shit, Jeter broke his ankle last season and is expected to start in New York’s opener against Boston on April 1, the greatest day of the year.  I am fully aware that hip surgery is quite different from fixing a broken ankle, but Jeter is 38 years old, where is this short stop getting his awesomeness?  Needless to say, Jeter is a better player than A-hole and hasn’t been sucking ass in the post season.

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Fool should just retire.  It’s already well beyond his golden years and they way he has been playing lately he will definitely not go out with a BANG….more like a SPLAT on his Zoolander Blue Steel wanna be face.  A-hole still has 5 years left on his contract!  That is insane!  I don’t know why he would try and come back and play.  It seems like nobody wants him too anyways.  In the light of these allegations, A-hole should just bow out and take comfort in the fact that he will be paid a hefty sum to do so.  Who knows, maybe he will miraculously recover and start looking younger while his Centaur self-portrait collects dust in his attic.  Watch out Dorian Gray.

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Cheaters can suck it

It’s that time of year again!   If you are one of the 600 lucky Baseball Writers Association voters, you get a whopper of a choice of who gets the honor of being inducted into the Baseball Hall Of Fame.  In my personal opinion, the BEST Hall Of Fame.

The steroids funky bunch, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Sammy Sosa, are listed on the hall of fame ballot fo the first time, setting up an election which fasho will mandate on the steroids era.  How sad is that?  Wow,  now we have to say “steroids Era.”  I guess everything has a dark side.  Who would be Darth Vadar?  I mean Clemens got that dark quality but Bonds is soo much bigger than he is….and is already black. Hard to say…..  Sosa is too nice a guy to be apart of the galactic empire.  Sosa would just be an evil spanish speaking Yoda.

 

 

 

 

I know it makes sense to put Bonds, Clemens and Sosa on the ballot because they were great players, broke records, made history…..but had a bit of illegal help.  They all took performance enhancing drugs and got caught.  The only one to come clean about it was Sammy Sosa, the other two are still in denial.  Fat heads….literally.  The key word here is “performance enhancing,” meaning their performance on the field was not their own, it is being illegally aided and boosted them into record breaking heights, records that shouldn’t be counted, performances that shouldn’t be considered.

I mean, it is a 37 player ballot.  The voters got lots to choose from.  But it is inevitable that voters will consider one of these three steroid players because in reality, they kinda sorta want to vote for them.  It’s hard not to take into consideration what they did on the field.  Bonds is the all-time home run champion with 762 and won a record of 7 MVP awards.  Clemens set a record with 7 Cy Young awards while Sosa hit 609 home runs.  Voters are facing a moral dilemma now aren’t they?  They have to decide whether drugs, well to some “drug allegations,” that tainted their big numbers should keep them out of Cooperstown.

Hey Mike Piazza is on the ballot.  My favorite Dodger and first home run.  So magical, and so without drugs.  Vote for him!

 

 

 

 

This steroid discussion was inevitable because there was a “steroid era” where a handful of the MLB’s greatest players were in fact taking steroids and breaking records.  Before anyone knew anything about their drug use, we baseball fans gobbled it all up like a hungry hungry hippos, loving the idea of it, the idea that we felt like we were apart of some great sports history.  But then when the questions start coming in, questions about drugs and wrong doing, that is when we retract and start to question the integrity of the game.  A vicious cycle, a cycle that American Baseball is now headed.  Well look at that, it’s already here!

If players who use steroids can get elected in the Baseball Hall Of Fame, then can we start talking about Pete Rose?  Even though he is permanently on the ineligible list for his addictive gambling ways, his performance on the field wasn’t artificially enhanced.  Pete was a great player and unfortunately allowed his gambling lifestyle seep into his professional baseball career.  Why would the Baseball Hall Of Fame induct some players who flat-out cheated their way into the record books than a player who just bet on the record books?  Baseball a funny business ain’t it.

Performance enhancing drugs will always be a thorn in the side of Baseball, despite Baseball trying to rid itself of the stigma.  They aren’t going to rid themselves of it if they induct these three in the Hall Of Fame.  Nobody should ever celebrate cheating.  We have elected leaders and generals for that messy doing.  Voters shouldn’t give out the highest honor in Baseball to those who cheated.  Man, I love baseball, it IS America’s sport.  Why would we ever want to question the integrity of America’s past time?  Baseball has been the one traditional sport that has remained the sport of the common man and the pure hearted.  I know many don’t consider baseball as a special or important a sport as some do.  They clearly haven’t watched Ken Burns awesome possum Baseball Documentary >:0      But it’s the little things that make it special and those little things don’t involve cheating and drugs.

Here is hoping voters will make the right decision.  Come on mofos, u know what to do, don’t break our hearts now.

The results will be announced Jan. 9…sHHOoooOOOOOooot.  Betta be a happy new years.