Does A-rod, aka A-hole, really deserve justice? Alex Rodriguez is suing Major League Baseball and its players’ union, seeking to overturn a season-long suspension imposed by an arbitrator who ruled there was “clear and convincing evidence” he used three banned substances and twice tried to obstruct the sport’s drug investigation. Yikes….
“Clear and convincing evidence” ladies and gentlemen. That does sound pretty convincing. But I’m no lawyer so let’s see if we can pick a good man of the law for A-hole (let’s face it, A-rod would never pick a woman to defend him in court, sexist centaur).
Rodriguez in his suit claimed the Major League Baseball Players Association “completely abdicated its responsibility to Mr. Rodriguez to protect his rights” and “this inaction by MLBPA created a climate in which MLB felt free to trample” on Rodriguez’s confidentiality rights. Cry me a river…..
I know there is someone out there who will protect your rights A-hole, even though your big butt couldn’t tell the difference from right or wrong. But this is America, and every American deserves justice. Since I am only familiar with lawyers of the fictitious persuasion, I am cutting down my list of lawyers from feature films and television shows. Word. Ready to bow down to the law A-hole?
1. Lionel Hutz
So his “office” is in a mall, says he studied law at the Louvre and he never really knows what he’s doing (or even knows basic law words, such as “jury” or “innocent”). But if we go to court, we might as well make it fun. A-hole’s case is quite comical since there is mounting evidence against him, maybe Mr. Hutz can use it to his advantage by distracting the jury into thinking A-rod is the victim of PEDs. Or just not wear any pants…..
Lionel Hutz: I move for a “bad court thingy.”
Judge Snyder: You mean a mistrial?
Lionel Hutz: Yeah! That’s why you’re the “judge” and I’m the “law-talking guy.”
Judge Snyder: The lawyer?
Lionel Hutz: Right.
2. Atticus Finch
Yes, he’s an obvious choice. But let’s count down his awesomeness: stands up to racists, is a wonderful single father who teaches his daughter valuable life lessons, wears a nice three-piece suit. He represents the best that any of us can hope to be. He is selfless, fearless and unflinching. Yea…traits that don’t really resonate with A-hole. Obviously Atticus would be the right choice if A-hole had a conscience….
Preach it Atticus…..just not to A-hole…
Best lawyer-speak: “In the name of GOD, do your duty. In the name of God, believe … Tom Robinson.”
3. Jack McCoy
Law and Order seriously needs its own channel by now. Steely, brilliant, tough but kindly … Jack McCoy is your man for New York City justice. Don’t let the kind demeanor fool you. McCoy mostly deals with homicide and badass murder cases. This guy is clearly to badass for A-hole’s controversial corporate case, unless A-hole murdered Bug Selig…..
Best lawyer-speak: “Your grief might be a little more convincing, sir, if you hadn’t just admitted you cut off your wife’s head.”
4. Vincent “Vinny” Gambini
Oh my cousin Vinny. This would be the obvious choice for A-hole because of his smooth laid-back persuasive New York City style. He will tell it like it is, even if it isn’t what his clients want to hear. A-hole could use a good kick in his big butt even if it is from a small smart mouthed Italian man.
Vinny may not win the case due to the lack of substantial evidence proving A-hole’s innocence but at least he would make the case an entertaining debacle.
Best lawyer-speak: “[opening statements] Uh… everything that guy just said is bullshit… Thank you.”
5. Tom Hagen
If the clear-headed, calm Hagen can deal with various Corleone shenanigans (namely murder — involving horses and people), then he can surely deal with A-hole’s legal issues. Especially since his legal issues may or may not involve horse-related revenge. Tom could be up A-hole’s alley, but is a possible threat due to Hagen’s truthful nature. Despite him being a New York boy affiliated with the mob, Tom is still a moral guy who can even see through his little brother’s, Michael Corleone, evil bullshit.
Best lawyer-speak: “I have a special practice. I handle one client. Now you have my number, I’ll wait for your call.”
6. Harvey Birdman
Harvey has managed to obtain justice for numerous figures in the cartoon world, including Apache Chief (when he spilt hot coffee on his lap and found himself unable to grow……you know….up) and Fred Flintstone (who was accused of being a Mafia figure, the Dabba Don). Surely he could take those lawyering skills and put them to use for live-action clients as well.
Since taking all those PEDs in the past, some would consider A-hole a cartoon.
Best lawyer-speak: “Debbie, we are going to need some law books. With pictures this time.”
7. Fletcher Reid
Fletcher would be perfect but there is only ONE problem. He can’t lie. Without lying, A-hole doesn’t stand a chance.
Best lawyer-speak: “Stop breaking the law, asshole!”
I bet you right about now A-hole is wishing there were no lawyers in the world, a world where we can all go back to playing good old baseball and focusing on what was once good about the game. A tainted free pastime of America 🙂
Yea, that ain’t going to happen A-hole. The damage is done. You and Baseball are busted.