Constipation Going Blue

Forgive me as I swallow my pride, but  Jim Harbaugh is a great coach. Despite his constant constipated face, violently angry and all, Harbaugh knows his football and deserves to work for a notable franchise.  he has worked hard, he deserves it.  So hard he looks permanently constipated, which can be seen every game day.  Just look at this fool’s Wikipedia picture.  My God, is he backed up.

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He has turned around football programs, both college and professional, in less than 4 years, transforming teams into competitive forces.  While at San Diego State, the Toreros posted a combined 29-6 record and won two Division I-AA championships during Harbaugh’s three years at the helm.  I think this is when he started to feel the seething festering pain of winning.

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That lead him to the less-than reputable football program at Stanford University.  While there he not only managed to piss off Pete Carroll on more than one occasion, Harbaugh delivered a winning record in his third season, steering the Cardinals to a 12-1 record, always finishing in the top BCS standing.

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Then his constipation took him to San Francisco to coach the 49ers,  Harbaugh led the team to an 11-4-1 record in the regular season, winning back to back NFC West titles, and one Super Bowl appearance.  Hey, losing to your not so successful brother would only exacerbate the constipation.

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Now he is off to feel even more constipated at Ann Arbor, MI. Him returning to college merely reveals to us that his type of winning and languish energy is more appropriate for the less than mature players.  I think San Francisco was just sick of his shenanigans, or maybe his facial expressions.

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There is no denying that Harbaugh has a knack for building winning football programs.  But I think we can all agree that his constipation will never go away.  This fool thrives on his emotions.  And for college, that is well and dandy because Harbaugh’s maturity level is on the same level as his players.

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Go for it buddy, don’t let that constipation get you down.  That constipation lead you to take the crown from Nick Saban.  Harbaugh is now the highest paid college football coach.  But who would really win that facial feud?

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Even though Saban is The Lord of the Rings of the SEC, Harbaugh would destroy him with his constipated face. Now if only that will translate into wins for Michigan, Harbaugh will be in business.

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New Years Resolutions Sports Fans

(I know I’m a week late but hey, that’s how 2014 goes….)

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Every New Years Eve there is a always a little flutter of chatter among party goers discussing what they wish to accomplish next year.  New Years Resolutions are far too common yet far too annoying.  I want to lose weight, I want to help those in need, I want to be just like Jay Cutler (well, I don’t know about that one)…..blah blah blah.

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How about if we could make resolutions for our favorite athletes?  Especially those who you KNOW are going to make bad ones.  Don’t look now sports fans, but here is your one and only chance to improve the lives of athletes and sports here:

1. Lebron James

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Does this guy really need a new years resolution?  Yes.  Stop being a douche-bag and talking about the Miami Heat like is it YOUR team.  My new years resolution for you is to NOT win the NBA Championship, become a bit more humble, maybe not whore yourself out to every endorsement deal that comes your way and, more importantly, educate yourself fool!

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Despite your lack of a college degree, you have seen the world, met new people and have the advantage to take hold of opportunities others would die for.  How about you enroll in some prestigious university part-time and learn something new….like not being a dumb as rocks douche-bag.

2. Nick Saban

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Oohhhhhh Mr. Saban.  I thought your new years resolution would be to start fresh and establish yourself as the Lord and Savior Football Coach for the University of Texas.  Sadly, no.  Alabama is here to stay.  I think Saban wants to achieve not necessarily the impossible, but to achieve the impressive.  With a new year, comes a new system, a system of College Football Playoffs baby!

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Although the Crimson Tide failed to make it to the BCS National Champion game nor win the Sugar Bowl against Oklahoma, I believe Saban will try to shock the world in 2014 by competing once again for the National Championship spotlight.  Saban will get into the final 4 team playoff whether we like it or not.  You go girl.

3. College Football Playoffs

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Oh man, I can hardly contain myself on this one.  I can only hope the 2014 College Football Playoffs will be nothing short of amazing.

But we all know that it may not be due to the expected controversy the elected Playoff Committee will bring.  This alleged Playoff Committee….who are they?  Why were they selected?  Will the Committee be better than the BCS?  Who the hell knows, but it is worth a try.

4. A-rod

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2014 A-rod just needs to shut up, retire and take it like a man.  Good Lord, he more or less will make it into the Hall of Fame, so why waste this year being a bitch fiddle?

With all the controversy surrounding Arod in 2013, 2014 should be a nice change for him by stepping out of spot light, stop embarrassing himself during interviews, start behaving in court and retiring with style.  The guy has more money than he knows what to do with, so he should put it to good use.

Just commission another artist to paint another portrait of you as another mythological creature…..how about a Minotaur?

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5. Jason Kidd

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Good lord does this guy need a good resolution, but it’s a very simple one: WIN games.

As his first year as head coach of the Brooklyn Nets debut season at the new deluxe Barclay Center, the Brooklyn Nets have sucked, to say the least.  With injured players and lack of motivation amongst star players like Kevin Garnett and the frog Paul Pierce, the Nets have not won as many games as expected.

Well so far soo good.  After vowing to be a new team in 2014, the Nets are undefeated in the new year, riding a four-game winning streak. But more than anything else, the Nets are fighting. They’re now taking a punch and showing resiliency instead of folding.  Is it all thanks to Jason Kidd?  Who knows.  He just needs to win from here on out.

6. Jonathan Martin

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New Year’s Resolution: Quit Football and become a guidance counselor for young football players all over America, teaching them the ways of how to avoid becoming a pussy.

Jonathan Martin made headlines this 2013 football season by reporting to the NFL concerning hazing shenanigans he traumatically underwent during his rookie season with the Miami Dolphins, more specifically placing the blame on one, Richard Incognito.

After reporting the hazing incidents to the NFL, he left the Dolphins and checked into a hospital to treat his “emotional distress.”  A week later he was spotted laughing and smiling and the USC vs. Stanford game at the Coliseum.  So Mr. Martin, 2013 clearly wasn’t your year, you weaseled  your way out the NFL and are sooOOooo distraught you might as well put your traumatic experience to good use.  Counsel kids about hazing, the good and the bad.  Become a sponsor for anti-bullying campaigns.  Just stop the bitching and do SOMETHING….and maybe apologize to Richie….his NFL career is clearly dunzo because of you.

7. Aaron Hernandez

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Just hope he doesn’t become somebody’s bitch. I mean the dude is a football player, so he is already pretty buff and can more or less handle himself, but you never know, it is prison.

Aaron Hernandez was arrested last year in Connecticut for the murder of a former NFL player named Odin Lloyd.  More recenetly, police now suspect Hernandez participated in a 2012 drive-by double murder using a truck loaned to him, according to a warrant released last week, and that those killings led to the murder Lloyd, for which the former Patriots star is now on trial.

Just keeps getting better and better for Hernandez.  Keep your head up bro and make sure to have your family and friends send you lots and lots of cigarettes.

8. Yaisel Puig

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Hit more home runs, sleep with more women, become a permanent United States resident, win the World Series…..and go to Driving School.

Yaisel Puig already has two tickets for reported reckless driving.  Was he crunk?  I don’t think so because the cops more or less made him submit to a DUI test.  The guy just has a need for speed.  So I say in 2014, convert that need for speed in women.  The guy made a 30 million contract over night with his blowout success with the Doyers last year, so just hire a driver and hit up the clubs for some reckless dancing and flirting.  Who the LA ladies what Puig Power is all about.

Just remember to wear a condom,  have fun and get ready for the 2014 baseball season!

9. Russia

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Be more accepting of athletes no matter what their sexual preference may be.  Hey, if the United States can do it, Russia can do it.  Democracy worked right?

President Putin of Russia decided to initiate a boycott on gay Olympic athletes.  As the host country of the Winter Olympics, you would think a world event bringing cultures together would be a bit more tolerant of different people.  Guess NOT.

Maybe when the actual Olympics commence, Russia will come to it’s senses and realize that equality should be had by all, equality that should distinctly and actively be recognized in events watched by the world.  Monkey SEE, Monkey DOO Russia.

10. Brazil

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May the World Cup crown the United States the champions of 2014 games…..I can’t even say that with a straight face…….

Every world cup brings hope for the United States, a hope that we can actually compete with the world in soccer.  Unfortunately, the U.S. did not receive a favorable first round group selection. The Americans wound up with the potentially punishing group they feared and will play Ghana, Portugal and Germany in June as they try to move to the next round.  This couldn’t be any more difficult.  But we Americans are known to thrive as the underdogs…..yea over 200 years ago….

Is it going to happen, are we going to win?!  I have no idea.  Maybe this year will be a first.  I bet you Benjamin Franklin would know what to do….

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11. Tim Tebow

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So I guess Tebow has finally given up on his dreams of playing quarterback in the NFL  because he has become an ESPN analyst for the SEC conference. He debuted his broadcasting talent during the BCS Championship game and didn’t do half bad.

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2014 Tebow is going to accept his future and become such an impressive college football analyst, he will replace Lee Corso on College GameDay, forever leaving our Saturday mornings free of embarrassing antics and pathetic winner predictions.  And give the college mascots back their glory dammit! Glorious 🙂

Feliz Ano Nuevo Everybody!

Adios BCS :)

After an eventful season, College Football is coming to an end.  But the season isn’t the only thing coming to an end.  The wrath of the BCS is finally ending! This is going to be the last time for a lot of things BCS…..Is it possible to even list all the things we will NOT miss about the BCS?

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Well, I can certainly try. And these are my top 6 reasons why I will NOT be missing the BCS.

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6. Do we really need an Abbreviation?

Don’t you just feel stupid when someone asks you what BCS stands for?  I know College football is all about the abbreviations with the names of the Universities and even some players (thanks RGIII).  I get it, we are lazy and need to keep our conversations short and sweet but for some reason I really hate what the BCS stands for – “Bowl Championship Series.”

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So that mean there is a series of championships.  Doesn’t the word championship imply one, one final game where there is only ONE winner.  The final game between the top two college football teams is called “The BCS National Championship.”  First of all, the word champion is used twice in that phrase, making it a redundant phrase that feels like a tongue twister, but really isn’t.  It’s just stupid.

5. Calling All Statisticians…..or Computers…

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Every week when the BCS standings are released Sunday evening, you get a chance to see a number next to each team, a number reflecting the combination of polls and computer selection methods to determine relative team rankings.  Thank you Bill Gates. And who ever really liked Statistics?!  Sports shouldn’t make you think this much.

You WOULD think math always works, but when it comes to the BCS, it’s crap. For some reason, the numbers just don’t add up.  When one team loses and another wins, you assume the winning team moves up in the BCS standings as the losing team falls.  That would be a big fat NO.  The

4. Notre Dame

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This team is always ranked regardless of EVERYTHING.  Doesn’t matter if they have a losing season, it doesn’t matter if their star player lied to the media and it doesn’t matter if everyone else is winning around them, the BCS always finds a way to rank the Fighting Irish.

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Without their precious BCS, what is Notre Dame going to do now?! To be ranked based on actual merit and talent rather than a heavily skewed reputation is going to rock their College Football world.  I don’t know if they will be able to put up a Fight.  This is going to be so sweet 🙂

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3. Non-BCS Bowl Games

Why the hell would we watch NON-BCS Bowl games?  Having losing teams compete in a “Bowl Champion Series” really wouldn’t be champion-like would it now?  Yes, if your team is playing in one of these Non-BCS Bowl Games, of course you are going to watch, but you are forced to come to the realization that your team is a bunch of losers and didn’t make it to the real “Bowl Championship Series.” It’s like the BCS is giving you the finger.  How mean 😦

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2. Bowl Game Names

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These absurd bowl game names have just lowered our intelligence over time.  Here is a list of the latest bowl games:

* Beef ‘O’ Brady’s St. Petersburg Bowl

* S.D. County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl

*National University Holiday Bowl

*Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl

*Heart of Dallas Bowl

Kill me…..

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1. Unfair Rankings

This is the #1 reason why everybody is happy to see the BCS go.  The BCS rankings just never ever seemed fair, leaving teams who had undefeated seasons unfairly treated and overlooked. Yes, there are over 30 teams to watch and consider when discussing college football rankings, which is why the BCS was initially created.  But for the past 15 years, the BCS has just been pissing people off.

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Where in the world is it ok for Les Miles to bitch his way into sharing the National Championship with USC in 2007 based on similar BCS rankings?  A freaking horrible world.

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Although the BCS is being replaced by a possible biased Playoff Committee, it is still good to see it go. Having Playoffs might bring more justice and truth to College Football.  Right Condi?

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Adios BCS and good riddance 😀

NCAA Football: California at Southern California

Big Brother Sucks

The most wonderful time of year is about to begin and it seems a bit mellow.  A little too mellow for my taste…..

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College Football kicks off in less than a week and I have seen slim to none coverage of the sport on ESPN unless Johnny Football’s face is slapped on the screen, Nick Saban counting his crystal footballs or the greedy NCAA being sued for their Scrooge McDuck behavior.

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What seems to be the overshadowing Big Brother of College Football is, and always is, the NFL.  Forgive me if I am wrong though, but I distinctly remember a lot more ESPN College Football coverage including interviews with the coaches, players, highlights and season predictions for all the conferences.  I am well aware that ESPN fills in a half an hour slot at 1pm for College Football talk but I am strictly speaking of SportsCenter evening programming. You know, the evening show everybody and their mom watches before going to bed.

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(The more important question now is, how can you go to bed without watching Top Ten?)

I know it is the NFL pre-season, and NFL fans just loving telling non NFL fans the many reasons why the NFL is “better” than College Football: The NFL makes more money, the NFL is quicker, the NFL is more badass, the NFL is professional, the NFL does your laundry….the list of reasons can go on for ages.  But speaking as a College Football fan, I don’t care.

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I have been College Football for years now and ESPN has always been my dependable news source for the pre-season. I ask you, how the hell are you supposed to make realistic Heisman Trophy winner bets in Vegas now?! G Golly Wiz.

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After letting my frustration subside, there are three distinct reasons as to why I believe there is more NFL pre-season coverage than College Football pre-season coverage this year.

1. Johnny Manziel: The Kid Who Got Caught.

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Ever since Johnny Manziel won the Heisman Trophy as a freshman, the controversy hasn’t stopped.  All of his publicity and attention have been negative, from the day drinking to the busty women he hangs out with. The guy just can’t catch a break.  Unfortunately, his childish antics has severely put a dark cloud over college football, a cloud that won’t evaporate until Manziel proves himself on the field this season.

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Who cares if he is giving College Football players a bad rap.  He isn’t the first and he certainly won’t be the last.  Damn you social media and your trickster ways!

2. NCAA: Scrooge McDuck

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The NCAA this year has been going through hell (and rightfully so?).  First, six current college football players are suing the NCAA for what else?  MONEY. The players are suing the NCAA in hopes to expose their Scrooge McDuck persona to billions of dollars in damage.  The plaintiffs now demand the NCAA find a way to give players a cut of the billions of dollars earned from live broadcasts, memorabilia sales and video games. PSsshs, yah good luck with that fellas.

Damn, and I loved those video games too…

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Second, this is the last year of the BCS System before Playoffs are implemented in the 2014 season, the NCAA’s last hurrah of raking in the big cha-ching. Poor guys, they are so useless and don’t even know it.

3. The SEC Dominance

Once again, the SEC is expected to completely dominate the season.  SNORE. We get it, the dynasty is here….thank you Mr. Saban. Despite the SEC teams’ not so competitive schedules, everyone is convinced that this College Football Season will be an SEC season.

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No wonder nobody is really excited for this year’s upcoming College Football season. Without the excitement of upsets and unexpected cinderella stories, the season will drift off into SEC waters and never return.

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I hope my theories are BS. Please feel free to let me have it because College Football is my absolute favorite time of year and arguably the best sport 😛  (Don’t Hate!).  So here is hoping that the season will in fact not end up being a Johnny Manziel COPS special, or a Scrooge McDuck downfall or even an SEC snore of a season.  Let us expect a great season for the coaches and players, but more importantly the fans.

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The NFL can suck it.  Your season doesn’t start till September 8th.  Wait your turn.  Let the little guys shine for a week or so.

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