The Charmin Show

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Kobe Bryant is riding high off his recent career milestone, breaking Michael Jordan’s all time scoring record of 32,292 points.  That’s pretty sweet Kobe.  Would be even sweeter if you could break that other pesky MJ record of 6 rings.  Oh wait, that’s impossible.

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Watching Kobe break an MJ record is great, superb, amazing yet depressing at the same time.  All that hard work may seem to be paying off but in the grand scheme of things but it’s not.  Why isn’t it?  Well, just ask Kobe.  How does Kobe define success?  Championships.  Duh.

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Kobe will truly feel accomplished after he wins his sixth championship.  Don’t hold your breath Black Mamba.

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Kobe breaking this monumental record merely highlighted all of the daunting flaws and dismal talent the rest of the Lakers squad sadly embody.  Great, thanks for the spotlight Kobe.  This is just what the Lakers need instead of actually winning games.  Hell, we might as well drop the Lakers and just call them Kobe.  “Hey Steve, who are Spurs playing tonight?”  “Oh they are playing Kobe.”  Perfect.

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No wonder Kobe is screaming to Mitch comparing the Lakers to Charmin Toilet Paper.  Who likes Charmin anyways?  Angel Soft Baby.

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Anybody would be frustrated if they were Kobe.  Since he was first drafted in the NBA in 1996, he has been working hard every single day of his life, hard enough to get to where he is today.  A place in his much decorated life that will be celebrated more than Lebron leaving a penny in a “Take a Penny, Leave a Penny” tray at a local 7eleven.  Thanks ESPN.

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That’s all well and good for fans all around the world, but that’s not good enough for Kobe.  All of that hard work won’t be worth anything unless Kobe deems it worthy.  Which at the moment, he doesn’t.

Dammit Mitch, do something!  Do something before it is too late!!

Don’t get up too fast now…..

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Panic Button

OMG the Lake Show won a game?!  Who knew it would only take them 12 games to get there.  The Lakers didn’t really start off the way they hoped. The Lakers are  1-2.

 

And now they are without their star point guard, Steve Nash, who hurt his ankle last game against the Dallas Mavericks.   LA fans have already hit the panic button and don’t really know what to make of the season.

Nash’s injury is always going to be a problem, especially when his trade (along with Dwight Howards) was so public and ::ahem:: ridiculously awesome.  But the dude is old, he is 38.  He is up in the ranks with Derek Jeter on the New York Yankees, a classic and great player who just never wants to quit the game.  Nash is only going to play 20-25 minutes a game, maybe play a total of 60 games rather than 80…..dude, the guy has some mileage.  We are going to need more than duct tape to help Nash’s (Lakers) “speedy” recovery.

 

The biggest reason to panic is the Lakers themselves.   Their offense and defense to start.  Good GOD the bench is terrible, being outscored by every bench in the league by at least 10 points or more.  And maybe we can put head coach Mike Brown into the mix.  Mike Brown is trying to instill a “Princeton” offense (whatever the hell that means).  Is this new offense absurd and completely pointless?  Maybe.  It clearly isn’t working out for anyone on the team.  Can we just go back to the good ‘ol pick and roll.  Don’t you think those newly acquired prized players would murder on the Pick and Roll offense?

And why is it called the “Princeton” offense?  Did it originate in Princeton?  Because we all know only superb athletics and talented players come out of the Ivy Leagues.

Unfortunately for Mitch Kupchack and Laker fans alike aren’t getting the results they are used to: winning.  Sadly, you can’t just throw these awesome talented players together and pray it is going to work.  Chemistry needs to be built.  Who knows how long that will take.  Hopefully not much longer because my eyes are starting to hurt just watching these painful games.  Mike Brown better stop looking like Randy Jackson from American Idol and start looking like a better coach. For starters, choose a better offense Brown.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sounds like the Lakers are going to have issues for a while.  Kobe is literally only going to play for another 2 years tops, Dwight will opt out next year as a free agent if he isn’t happy, Nash will retire, Metta World Peace will change his name to Generation Apocolypse and Pau Gasol will be the only remaining Laker who can remember the good ‘ol days of championship rings and parades.  Sounds like a fate worse than getting Lebron in a Laker Jersey.

That’s ALL Folks

Porky Pig said it best: “That’s ALL Folks!”  We wish we could laugh off this season like a Saturday morning cartoon.  Sadly, we can’t.

The Los Angeles Lakers are dunzo.  This season, to say the least, has been disappointing.  VERY disappointing.  Harsh you may ask?  Hell NO.  The expectations for this NBA team are far too high.  But hey, that happens to a team with 17 championship rings, 4 won in the last 11 years.

After the loss to the young and energetic OKC Thunder, all Laker fans are turning their eyes to the fellas upstairs.  And they should!  We all want to know why our beloved basketball team has faltered, who is to blame and what is going to happen next year?  It’s just easier to point fingers than be rational.  Why?  Because this is LA, we don’t have time to be rational with our sports teams.  Especially to teams, like the Lakers, that  clearly have problems and issues that need to be addressed.

First and foremost, where the mofo was Andrew Bynum?!  This guy had the best season of his career up until the post season.  What gives?  Looking from the outside in, the only thing we can blame is his Bitchy Diva Attitude.  All of Laker Nation were well aware of Bynum’s immature ways but unfortunately taking it to the court, ultimately negatively affecting his game.  Did you see any hustle in his step against the Denver Nuggets or the Thunder?  I sure as hell didn’t.  He scored a whopping 10 points last game and 0 offensive rebounds.  Why and the hell are we even paying this DIVA?  Give that money to skid row yo, shoOOOooot.  Or better yet, give Bynum’s money to struggling high school players who actually strut their stuff on the court and play like they want to win.  GGeeeze.  I say get rid of the DIVA.  Sounds like he doesn’t even want to be a Laker anymore with statements like, “I’ll play anywhere.”  Somebody will pick his slow ass up and hopefully slap him silly and tell him, “HEY, you are a professional basketball player!  ACT LIKE IT!”

  Pau Gasol.  OOOooh Lord did I want you to be good.  Sadly, you came up way too short.  He is getting soft in his old age, I guess.  He had two good games throughout the post season, but still coming up short as a defensive player.  He just didn’t drive it hard to the basket or wasn’t aggressive enough to scare the bejesus outta his opponents to clear the way for a badass mamba jamba dunkeroo.  Him and Kobe were often seen arguing throughout time outs and team huddles…..that can’t be good.  You don’t want anybody on the team fighting with the Black Mamba.  I would like to see Pau go in hopes for attaining a good trade deal in the process, even though I will miss those press conferences showcasing his Nashville Southern Spanish accent.  Pau had a good run but I think it is about that time to end it.

 

 

 Ramon Sessions.  Bust or Must?  Dude fasho not a total bust, but definitely not the ideal must.  He really didn’t do anything for the Lakers this season, granted he didn’t have a whole lot of time.  But the Lakers had real high hopes for the point guard, which just blew up in Mitch Kupchack’s busted fugs face.  He most likely will not pick up his option and leave the Lake Show.  Good Riddance?  Naw, he tried to play hard and give us a taste of what younger players have to offer.  He just wasn’t the solution the Lakers were hoping for.

 

 

 

Metta World Peace.  This fools just makes me laugh.  Did any of you catch that press conference the other day?  Man, does he just bring on the laughs.  Despite his suspension, he played well throughout the post season as our key defensive player.  His offense is so-so, but we didn’t sign him for his three pointers.  We would like to think so.  Although World Peace is pretty comfortable where he is at, I think the Lakers should keep him.  He brings that aggressive badass attitude we sometimes need to get through games, especially during the playoffs.  Here is hoping that his attitude doesn’t turn into more suspensions.

The rest.  Honestly, our bench is terrible.  Is it beyond repair?  Maybe.  Troy Murphy (that lousy Irish blonde), Josh McRoberts, Devin Ebanks, Darius Morris, Steve Blake and Matt Barnes.  Yikes.  All of those fools could honestly be replaced.  None of them stepped it up this post season, minus Steve Blake’s hail mary three pointers.  I don’t know if it is Mitch Kupchack but let’s just say it is.  That douche.  He clearly doesn’t know how to build a team that helps Kobe Bryant be the Black Mamaba and get that 6th ring.  Maybe Kobe is getting too old, why yes he is, 33 years ol to be exact.  Not old at all, but if you ain’t playing golf, that is fasho OLD.  Kobe only has , the most, two good years left in the NBA.  Wouldn’t it be nice to see another championship before the Black Mamba’s decent into retired mediocrete?  Well if Mitch Douche Kupchack has anything to say about it, then who knows?  So far he hasn’t drawn in any promising talent.  

Which brings us to another sensitive subject.  Que paso with Derek Fisher and Lam Lam Odom?  Are we missing them yet?  Yes, we got swept by the Mavericks last post season but the Mavericks that season definitely drank some steroid Michael Jordan Space Jam laced Gatorade.  They won the whole damn thing, beating the infamous down syndrome looking Lebron James of the Miami Heat  Don’t get me wrong, it was awesome possum seeing Lebron not get the coveted ring he would kill his own children to get, but definitely sad to see how the Lakers finished their bad news bears season.  Can we get Lam Lam back?  I have no idea.  I don’t think we would want him back the way he ended his dismal season in Dallas.  It is pretty ironic and pleasing to see Derek Fisher go on to the Western Conference Finals when the Lakers are heading back to El Segundo.  BUwahahahah Mitch, what you going to do now?  Put some more hundred-dollar bills in your Lucky Charms every morning, not only will it make breakfast taste delicious but also make you realize that you have just thrown your money down a bottomless pit of a stomach and only getting in return a pile of poop players.