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The Los Angeles Lakers are not in La La Land anymore.  Now when you even hear “The Lakers,” you can’t help but run away, shut the door, lock it behind you and hope no one will find you. It is truly a tough time to be a Lakers fan 😦

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This is the first time in franchise history the Lakers have started 0-3 in consecutive seasons. They lost their first five games last season and ended with their worst record ever (21-61).  UGH.  You can’t even pay people to watch this once mighty basketball dynasty uncontrollably falling into the depths of shit. Gandalf the Grey is probably still falling.

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Kobe Bryant’s 20th season with the Los Angeles Lakers hasn’t exactly gone according to plan.

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So much so, the five-time NBA champion had to let reporters know how badly he was playing after their home loss against the Dallas Mavericks last Sunday night.

“I’m the 200th best player in the league right now,” Bryant said, in a video posted to Lakers.com. “I freaking suck.”

WaaaAAAAAh.  This is so sad to hear especially from THE veteran player of a team that desperately …DESPERATELY needs to rely on and turn to for guidance, compassion and most importantly, leadership.

And all we can do in Los Angeles is bitch, cry and whine about it. Yea, that’s right Lucy.

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While the rest of the country is laughing at our unrelenting misery. And the worst part about it is that there is absolutely nothing we can do about it…..well, except maybe to laugh at ourselves, but when is that ever fun?

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I guess all good things have to come to an end…….

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Ahh to be a Lakers Fan

The Los Angeles Lakers have been on quite the journey these past few weeks.  Wait, what the hell am I saying?  The Lakers haven’t been on any journey.  They haven’t even been invited to the journey.  Forget it Bilbo, this is Laker Town.

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The Lakers are not the Lakers anymore.  And it’s time to just come to accept their ill-fated existence.

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Did it all start with the death of Jerry Buss? When Buss died in Feb 2013, an aura of invincibility died with him, and the family’s ensuing efforts to imitate his giant footsteps, instead of forging their own path in basketball’s new era, have resulted only in embarrassment and defeat.

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Or is it all Kobe’s fault?  Kobe Bryant has always been that guy for the Lakers. But now, the tides have turned and they have turned to the absolute worst if we are starting to blame our once beloved player.  Can’t blame a guy for experiencing the inevitable.

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Being a Laker fan is tough these days. But a true fan will accept reality and roll with the punches. So what comes with acceptance, comes remorse.  Depressing as f*ck remorse and, at times, outrage.

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But somebody will have to pay……

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Where Did These Guys Come From?

San Diego is a lovely place.  A place filled with sun-kissed surfers who prance around white sandy beaches, home of the California Burrito, houses one of the largest wildlife facilities in the country and is also given the praiseworthy title of “America’s Finest City.” phillipsriverswooo Who would have thought that “America’s Finest City” is also “America’s Finest Baseball City.”  The San Diego Padres have unexpectedly become one stacked MLB team overnight, boasting talent that would make the New York Yankees shake in their spikes. baseballyankeefans The organization is apparently ready to win, and win big. win General manager A.J. Preller’s list of acquired players is truly impressive. Like ridiculously impressive. In a matter of weeks, Preller traded for Matt Kemp (cry), Justin Upton, and Wil Myers to completely overhaul the outfield. He also traded prospects for catcher Derek Norris and third baseman Will Middlebrooks to give manager Bud Black five new bats in the lineup. To go along with Shields, the Padres also added pitchers Brandon Morrow and Brandon Maurer. OMG-GIF_2 And most recently, the Padres have agreed to a deal with right-handed starter James Shields on a four-year contract worth about $75-million range on this last Monday morning. Shields is a man who’s helped two franchises to the World Series while throwing at least 200 innings for eight straight seasons. Yikes…… anigif_enhanced-29903-1408465419-7 As a baseball fan who has lived in Los Angeles more than half their life, you never thought once of the San Diego Padres.  Not once!  When I think of San Diego, I think of the beach and Comic Con.  Not America’s past time. I have to admit, they do in fact have one of the best looking ball parks in the land, but the baseball team that plays in it was always a different story.  You were always too distracted by the exotic selection of beers the stadium offered to really pay attention to the game. barts-beer-googles-o The San Diego Padres baseball history is anything but bleak, they have only made two World Series appearances in 1984/1998 where they proceeded to lose, and have produced only two notable Hall of Fame players (Tony Gwynn and Rickey Henderson). Well that’s not fair, they more or less produced more than two Hall of Fame players.  But since I can only name two, may be some indication of their meager notoriety. Oldies-but-Goodies-Disney-Edition-Friar-Tuck I know now is the time to scoff it off, but come April, I think baseball fans will be singing a different tune. Probably a tune that sounds a lot like a San Diego Serenade. 94390-go-fuck-yourself-San-Diego-gif-pN73

The Charmin Show

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Kobe Bryant is riding high off his recent career milestone, breaking Michael Jordan’s all time scoring record of 32,292 points.  That’s pretty sweet Kobe.  Would be even sweeter if you could break that other pesky MJ record of 6 rings.  Oh wait, that’s impossible.

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Watching Kobe break an MJ record is great, superb, amazing yet depressing at the same time.  All that hard work may seem to be paying off but in the grand scheme of things but it’s not.  Why isn’t it?  Well, just ask Kobe.  How does Kobe define success?  Championships.  Duh.

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Kobe will truly feel accomplished after he wins his sixth championship.  Don’t hold your breath Black Mamba.

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Kobe breaking this monumental record merely highlighted all of the daunting flaws and dismal talent the rest of the Lakers squad sadly embody.  Great, thanks for the spotlight Kobe.  This is just what the Lakers need instead of actually winning games.  Hell, we might as well drop the Lakers and just call them Kobe.  “Hey Steve, who are Spurs playing tonight?”  “Oh they are playing Kobe.”  Perfect.

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No wonder Kobe is screaming to Mitch comparing the Lakers to Charmin Toilet Paper.  Who likes Charmin anyways?  Angel Soft Baby.

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Anybody would be frustrated if they were Kobe.  Since he was first drafted in the NBA in 1996, he has been working hard every single day of his life, hard enough to get to where he is today.  A place in his much decorated life that will be celebrated more than Lebron leaving a penny in a “Take a Penny, Leave a Penny” tray at a local 7eleven.  Thanks ESPN.

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That’s all well and good for fans all around the world, but that’s not good enough for Kobe.  All of that hard work won’t be worth anything unless Kobe deems it worthy.  Which at the moment, he doesn’t.

Dammit Mitch, do something!  Do something before it is too late!!

Don’t get up too fast now…..

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The Battle of LA – The Battle of the Bacon Wrapped Hot Dogs

ucla-campus-usc-paint-bear                                                   tommy_trjan

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The biggest college football game in the City of Angels is almost upon us.  Can’t you just smell the hatred and bitterness in the air with every passing pedestrian on the street?  Fortunately for us, during every college football game in Los Angeles ( well, for any big event taking place in the city for that matter), the streets usually smell like those delectable bacon wrapped hot dogs sold on every street corner.  The crackling  and greasy aroma is beyond intoxicating.

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tumblr_ndcxd9fLDc1s2wio8o1_500You would think the Battle of LA could be settled over a shared round of these delicious bacon wrapped hot dogs. If the Pilgrims can come together with the native Americans over a plate of potatoes….then maybe the Trojans and Bruins can to.  Sadly no, they are just too damn good and they should only belong to one team and one team alone.  And that is USC, because frankly, I think they sell more in South Los Angeles than they do in the bougie parking lot of the Rose Bowl.  Oh wait, the Rose Bowl isn’t even encompassed by the city streets of LA?!  The Rose Bowl isn’t even on the FUCLA campus…..hmmmmmmm now that is a disadvantage for those pesky Bruins.

The freakin’ Rose Bowl is literally an hour away from campus.  Now what kind of school spirit is that?  I’ll tell you, one that lets its students drink and drive, that’s what!

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Aside from no beer being sold in the Rose Bowl, this is sadly a reality with the Coliseum as well.  Us fans in LA just can’t seem to handle our booze in a respectable fashion.  Which is why those bacon wrapped hot dogs come into play.  Those hot dogs could potentially save lives, sobering up fans before and after the game, so as to not make an embarrassing scene.  You never know.

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In addition to the glory of winning and presiding over Los Angeles as if it were their own personal playground of youth indiscretion for the rest of year, I think the winning team should also receive reign over these bacon wrapped hot dogs.  Make the pot a bit tastier and sweeter.

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Even though FUCLA is favored by 3.5 points, I think USC can take them and win. Losing the past 3 years has put USC in the hot seat, made them more hungry for the victory, giving them something to prove to not only themselves, but to their stomachs.  I strongly believe the Trojans’ can take the Bruins tomorrow night, if not for the citywide bragging rights but for those damn good hot dogs.

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And please Tommy Trojan, stab the hell out of that field for all that is awesome and heavenly delectable.

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