Haters Gonna Hate

The NBA Finals has finally come down to two teams. The creams of the crop. The picks of the litter. [Insert any “absolute best” cliches here].

The Golden State Warriors are taking on the Cleveland Cavaliers.  Curry vs. James.  Cute Kid Riley vs. Receding Hair Line.

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So who do you think is going all the way?  Well, that should be easy to answer. Just ask yourself this: Who do you want to see raising that golden trophy? Who do you want to send to Disney World?

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Steph Curry, no question!  Lebron already has two championship wins, every endorsement deal known to man and has ESPN in the palm of his hand…why should we give this Space Jam wannabe a chance for his sweat band to be retired in the NBA Hall of Fame?

I know what you are thinking? “Why do you hate Lebron so much?”

You know why? Because haters gonna hate, and I am a true hater of Lebron.

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The guy is a walking “BUY ME” billboard, a man who is so hated he has his own website http://ihatelebronjames.com/.

(Granted the website hasn’t been recently updated. Probably because the hostility and hate just runs so deep that the website owner’s violent typing made his computer internally combust into flames)

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Now that is true hate.

It’s not that I hate Lebron, the man himself, it’s that I hate “the man, the myth, the legend” the media perpetuates and worships. Now that is something you can entirely blame on Lebron. Yes he is only doing his job, a job of god-given talent that anybody would kill for but doesn’t he have any shred of integrity or credibility to just say no to the media, the sponsorships and the attention?

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Someone needs to teach this goon about modesty. Next up, Lebron Tampons: time to get that thick-ass sweat band protection ladies!

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All of the credit and ball-sucking attention Lebron receives from ESPN is just nauseating. There must be some undisclosed contract where he pays ESPN for his unbearably large amount of air time and mentions.  This just in at ESPN – “Let’s see what Lebron thinks of the Masters! According to his Twitter, he tweets: “Yo Tiger Woods, where you at?”

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I don’t think any athlete can compare to his obscene level of overexposure.  Well, maybe Peyton Manning.

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With the millions of dollars he makes daily (yes DAILY), doesn’t he have enough money to feed Russia? You would think that but no, he probably doesn’t. I mean that lavish lifestyle doesn’t pay for itself.

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And now that Lebron is back with the Cavaliers, an unnecessary spectacle of itself, ESPN will stop at nothing to see him holding that golden basketball trophy for a third time, a shining beacon of hope that the hero can return to his hometown and achieve the possible.  YES the possible, this is Lebron we are talking about.

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The real culprit here is ESPN.  But who the hell is going to hate ESPN, the almighty giver of worldwide sports and beloved top 10!

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That being said. Go Warriors, the rightful winners who have no players sucking on ESPN’s proverbial teet. Steph Curry has yet to become a tainted spokesperson of soul-less commerce, so there is still time for his pure talent to take him all the way, all the way to get that golden trophy.

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Plus, his daughter is just too cute to pass up.

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The Grinches of 2014

When Christmas time rolls around, you can’t help but think of your life and the people around you.  These swimming holiday thoughts are supposed to deliberately make you feel grateful and joyous that you don’t live in a third world country, can freely express yourself on a whim and have some form of sustenance to get you through your day, whether it be food or ESPN, you got it.  Life is good people!

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But you can’t help but wonder why so many people out there have it so good yet are complete jerk faces. Especially athletes.  So let us toast to this year’s Sports Grinches to more or less make us feel better about ourselves….when in actuality we still wish we were a rich Grinch.

1.  Floyd Mayweather Jr.

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How can I not pick this buttface.  You can always count on Mayweather to make the cut for the rest of his life.  But a little incident involving a friend’s suicide definitely put him over the edge this year.  Mayweather apparently witnessed his friend’s suicide over a face to face chat on his laptop.  He obviously failed at saving a life, so he decided to take his unapologetic ass to a Clipper game later that night.

Plus, is he really going to fight Pacquiao in May?  The fight will OF COURSE fall under the exact same day as the Cotto vs Canelo show down.  Sigh…….

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2. A-rod

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This jerk just doesn’t want to go away.  In the beginning of the year, A-rod  was expected to make his big comeback from his PED suspension.  That turned out to be a big fat NO.  It was then later revealed that he paid off a family member , his cousin, to keep his mouth shut about A-rod’s shenanigans.  Would it be terrible to just come clean A-rod??   One of the major reasons he is such a class-A Grinch is that jerk face smile he is always dawning.  Then again, the Yankees do owe him about $60 million……

 

3.  Roger Goodell

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There is just not enough time in the day to begin discussing the gravity of Roger Goodell’s “Grinch” behavior he so unabashedly displayed this past year.  We shall see how 2015 will unfold for Mr. Goodell….wait, I mean the NFL.

4.  Donald Sterling

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Well this guy should be at the top of everyone’s list for 2014.  Donald Sterling proceeded to become the most hated man in the NBA overnight due to his Uncle Ben behavior.  Well, good thing he is banned from the sport entirely.

5. Lebron James

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He went back to Cleveland.  Enough said.

New Years Resolutions Sports Fans

(I know I’m a week late but hey, that’s how 2014 goes….)

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Every New Years Eve there is a always a little flutter of chatter among party goers discussing what they wish to accomplish next year.  New Years Resolutions are far too common yet far too annoying.  I want to lose weight, I want to help those in need, I want to be just like Jay Cutler (well, I don’t know about that one)…..blah blah blah.

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How about if we could make resolutions for our favorite athletes?  Especially those who you KNOW are going to make bad ones.  Don’t look now sports fans, but here is your one and only chance to improve the lives of athletes and sports here:

1. Lebron James

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Does this guy really need a new years resolution?  Yes.  Stop being a douche-bag and talking about the Miami Heat like is it YOUR team.  My new years resolution for you is to NOT win the NBA Championship, become a bit more humble, maybe not whore yourself out to every endorsement deal that comes your way and, more importantly, educate yourself fool!

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Despite your lack of a college degree, you have seen the world, met new people and have the advantage to take hold of opportunities others would die for.  How about you enroll in some prestigious university part-time and learn something new….like not being a dumb as rocks douche-bag.

2. Nick Saban

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Oohhhhhh Mr. Saban.  I thought your new years resolution would be to start fresh and establish yourself as the Lord and Savior Football Coach for the University of Texas.  Sadly, no.  Alabama is here to stay.  I think Saban wants to achieve not necessarily the impossible, but to achieve the impressive.  With a new year, comes a new system, a system of College Football Playoffs baby!

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Although the Crimson Tide failed to make it to the BCS National Champion game nor win the Sugar Bowl against Oklahoma, I believe Saban will try to shock the world in 2014 by competing once again for the National Championship spotlight.  Saban will get into the final 4 team playoff whether we like it or not.  You go girl.

3. College Football Playoffs

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Oh man, I can hardly contain myself on this one.  I can only hope the 2014 College Football Playoffs will be nothing short of amazing.

But we all know that it may not be due to the expected controversy the elected Playoff Committee will bring.  This alleged Playoff Committee….who are they?  Why were they selected?  Will the Committee be better than the BCS?  Who the hell knows, but it is worth a try.

4. A-rod

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2014 A-rod just needs to shut up, retire and take it like a man.  Good Lord, he more or less will make it into the Hall of Fame, so why waste this year being a bitch fiddle?

With all the controversy surrounding Arod in 2013, 2014 should be a nice change for him by stepping out of spot light, stop embarrassing himself during interviews, start behaving in court and retiring with style.  The guy has more money than he knows what to do with, so he should put it to good use.

Just commission another artist to paint another portrait of you as another mythological creature…..how about a Minotaur?

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5. Jason Kidd

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Good lord does this guy need a good resolution, but it’s a very simple one: WIN games.

As his first year as head coach of the Brooklyn Nets debut season at the new deluxe Barclay Center, the Brooklyn Nets have sucked, to say the least.  With injured players and lack of motivation amongst star players like Kevin Garnett and the frog Paul Pierce, the Nets have not won as many games as expected.

Well so far soo good.  After vowing to be a new team in 2014, the Nets are undefeated in the new year, riding a four-game winning streak. But more than anything else, the Nets are fighting. They’re now taking a punch and showing resiliency instead of folding.  Is it all thanks to Jason Kidd?  Who knows.  He just needs to win from here on out.

6. Jonathan Martin

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New Year’s Resolution: Quit Football and become a guidance counselor for young football players all over America, teaching them the ways of how to avoid becoming a pussy.

Jonathan Martin made headlines this 2013 football season by reporting to the NFL concerning hazing shenanigans he traumatically underwent during his rookie season with the Miami Dolphins, more specifically placing the blame on one, Richard Incognito.

After reporting the hazing incidents to the NFL, he left the Dolphins and checked into a hospital to treat his “emotional distress.”  A week later he was spotted laughing and smiling and the USC vs. Stanford game at the Coliseum.  So Mr. Martin, 2013 clearly wasn’t your year, you weaseled  your way out the NFL and are sooOOooo distraught you might as well put your traumatic experience to good use.  Counsel kids about hazing, the good and the bad.  Become a sponsor for anti-bullying campaigns.  Just stop the bitching and do SOMETHING….and maybe apologize to Richie….his NFL career is clearly dunzo because of you.

7. Aaron Hernandez

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Just hope he doesn’t become somebody’s bitch. I mean the dude is a football player, so he is already pretty buff and can more or less handle himself, but you never know, it is prison.

Aaron Hernandez was arrested last year in Connecticut for the murder of a former NFL player named Odin Lloyd.  More recenetly, police now suspect Hernandez participated in a 2012 drive-by double murder using a truck loaned to him, according to a warrant released last week, and that those killings led to the murder Lloyd, for which the former Patriots star is now on trial.

Just keeps getting better and better for Hernandez.  Keep your head up bro and make sure to have your family and friends send you lots and lots of cigarettes.

8. Yaisel Puig

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Hit more home runs, sleep with more women, become a permanent United States resident, win the World Series…..and go to Driving School.

Yaisel Puig already has two tickets for reported reckless driving.  Was he crunk?  I don’t think so because the cops more or less made him submit to a DUI test.  The guy just has a need for speed.  So I say in 2014, convert that need for speed in women.  The guy made a 30 million contract over night with his blowout success with the Doyers last year, so just hire a driver and hit up the clubs for some reckless dancing and flirting.  Who the LA ladies what Puig Power is all about.

Just remember to wear a condom,  have fun and get ready for the 2014 baseball season!

9. Russia

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Be more accepting of athletes no matter what their sexual preference may be.  Hey, if the United States can do it, Russia can do it.  Democracy worked right?

President Putin of Russia decided to initiate a boycott on gay Olympic athletes.  As the host country of the Winter Olympics, you would think a world event bringing cultures together would be a bit more tolerant of different people.  Guess NOT.

Maybe when the actual Olympics commence, Russia will come to it’s senses and realize that equality should be had by all, equality that should distinctly and actively be recognized in events watched by the world.  Monkey SEE, Monkey DOO Russia.

10. Brazil

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May the World Cup crown the United States the champions of 2014 games…..I can’t even say that with a straight face…….

Every world cup brings hope for the United States, a hope that we can actually compete with the world in soccer.  Unfortunately, the U.S. did not receive a favorable first round group selection. The Americans wound up with the potentially punishing group they feared and will play Ghana, Portugal and Germany in June as they try to move to the next round.  This couldn’t be any more difficult.  But we Americans are known to thrive as the underdogs…..yea over 200 years ago….

Is it going to happen, are we going to win?!  I have no idea.  Maybe this year will be a first.  I bet you Benjamin Franklin would know what to do….

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11. Tim Tebow

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So I guess Tebow has finally given up on his dreams of playing quarterback in the NFL  because he has become an ESPN analyst for the SEC conference. He debuted his broadcasting talent during the BCS Championship game and didn’t do half bad.

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2014 Tebow is going to accept his future and become such an impressive college football analyst, he will replace Lee Corso on College GameDay, forever leaving our Saturday mornings free of embarrassing antics and pathetic winner predictions.  And give the college mascots back their glory dammit! Glorious 🙂

Feliz Ano Nuevo Everybody!

NBA Kickoff

The NBA Season kicks off tomorrow.  And how excited are we?!

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Well, as a Lakers fan…….not that excited 😦  How excited can you be if your star veteran player is hurt, the supposed up and coming star player left for greener pastures, your newcomers are a snore, your bench is singing crickets and your returning players are….well, how can I put this….are OLD.  Plus the guys upstairs can’t even decide between ketchup or mustard.

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And Jordan Farmar…?  Don’t get me started on Dumbo…..

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The Lakers are a battered washed up team who will probably make the playoffs but it definitely won’t be an easy road to get to.  We will be lucky enough to see Kobe Bryant play his last game in full health and spirit.

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The one distraction I can count on this season is seeing the return of Derek Rose coming back from a torn ACL injury in April 2012.  Derek Rose is back, and back with a vengeance.  Haven’t you seen his epic commercial?  Here take a gander.

We can only hope that Derek Rose and his Chicago Bulls can take on Lebron James and the Miami Heat. Is anyone really rooting for Lebron this season?  Aside from kiss ass ESPN, aren’t we already sick of him?

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Aren’t we sick of hearing Michael Jordan come out and say he doesn’t like Lebron and would rather play with Kobe Bryant any day of the week?  Hahaha, naw not really.  But seriously, when talking about the NBA, there has to be other topics to talk about other than Lebron?

The Bulls, who were the only NBA team with an 8-0 preseason record, are again expected to challenge the Heat for the Eastern Conference crown this season.  So of course, OF COURSE, ESPN had to ask Lebron about the come back of the only player whose on a team that can take on the Heat this season.  “We don’t like them, they don’t like us,” James said of the Bulls after the drill. “It’s not unheard of. We all know how it is.”

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So articulate.  How does this guy come up with this stuff?

The only way this NBA season will be somewhat tolerable is if Lebron and the Heat lose.  Not necessarily lose a lot, but lose just enough for him to make that hilarious cry face again.

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Hopefully the Bulls can bring the Heat this season…..I mean beat the Heat…..I mean defeat the Heat.  Just WIN Chicago! Do it for Michael! Do it for SpaceJam!

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Lebron denied entry into SpaceJam

Are we sick of the Lebron James and Michael Jordan comparisons yet?  I sure as hell am.  Maybe I should just turn off ESPN…but then how the hell am I going to keep up with my sports…..how can I live without Top 10?!

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Lebron James, or King James as so many others like to to call him, is a great basketball player, probably one of the best.  Everybody in the media wants to talk about Lebron, can’t stop talking about Lebron, and clearly won’t stop talking about Lebron.  Ever since his ‘Announcement’ Special aired on ESPN, the world-wide leader of sports won’t stop praising this athlete.  Since praise can only get you so far, ESPN decided to mention King James in the same sentence as Michael Jordan, merely to keep the attention on Lebron and his athleticism.  If you are a sports fan and someone says Michael, shit, you better pay attention!

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But is it at all possible for the media to just stop comparing Lebron to one of the greatest, possibly THE greatest, basketball player of all time ?  Why does ESPN have to result in comparison?  If Lebron was so great, wouldn’t he be in a league of his own, surpassing Michael?

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Let’s do a comparison of our own shall we?  Jordan had played 6 seasons in the NBA when he was 27 years old. James has played 9 seasons thus far. Also, Jordan missed 64 games in his second season because he was injured. James never played fewer than 70 games in a season until this year, when teams played a shortened 66-game season. So Jordan had actually played 5 seasons by age 27. I don’t think it’s fair to compare a 9-season career with a 5-season career. It’s obvious that a player will achieve more if he plays 9 seasons instead of just 5.  Lebron was drafted out of high school because some considered him to be so good.  Michael on the other hand went to college and played for 3 years, taking North Carolina to win the NCAA championship.  Smarty Pants.

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I think it is just waaaaaaaaay to early to compare Lebron to Michael.  Lebron has a long way to go.  Maybe Lebron has yet to prove himself, seeing how he has only one 1 lousy title, but all I know is that someone in particular is sick of the comparison.  (Yea, you hug that trophy Lebron, might be your last.)

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Michael Jordan clearly hates Lebron and it’s awesome.  Michael probably doesn’t mind being compared to a newcomer or mentioned in the same sentence, but when sports journalists and broadcasters are bombarding every media outlet and NBA press conference with this tired topic, I think anybody would get sick of it.  This relentless association which may or may not be well deserved if ESPN is the one doing all the talking.  Especially when Michael says he would rather play with Kobe than Lebron.  He is right, “5 beats 1 every the time.” (Kobe, Bring back the FRO!)

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Michael Jordan is an international symbol for not just the NBA, but for all sports.  From the collectible shoes to his global clothing line, Michael has established his name as an emblem of elite athleticism.  For god sakes, he starred in one of the most beloved classic children’s movies, SpaceJam.  A basketball player saving the world with the Looney-Tunes……plus an amazing grammy winning soundtrack.  “I Believe I can Fly” hello?  Can Lebron do that?  Naw, guy can barely maintain a conversation let alone save the world.  Guy can play on the court but just ain’t the brightest color in the box.  Maybe things would have been different if he went to college……spacejam

Lebron certainly deserves the accolades because the guy is a beast and a 3 time MVP winner.  But when ESPN is giving all the applause adoration, it’s a bit hard to take it seriously because it’s biased.  ESPN just wants a story that will catch the attention of their audience, not necessarily the truth.  Who knows if Lebron thinks he is just as good or better than Michael.  And frankly, I don’t care what Lebron thinks and nobody in the NBA should either.  Michael Jordan is Zeus while Lebron is merely a sprite trying to claw his way to the top of Mount Olympus.  Jordan didn’t need to leave his team to get a title.

I am just waiting for the day for when some basketball player out of college takes the NBA by storm while the media starts inevitably comparing him to players past, like Lebron…..better yet, comparing him to Jordan.  Sweet. I don’t think Lebron’s little heart could take it.

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Panic Button

OMG the Lake Show won a game?!  Who knew it would only take them 12 games to get there.  The Lakers didn’t really start off the way they hoped. The Lakers are  1-2.

 

And now they are without their star point guard, Steve Nash, who hurt his ankle last game against the Dallas Mavericks.   LA fans have already hit the panic button and don’t really know what to make of the season.

Nash’s injury is always going to be a problem, especially when his trade (along with Dwight Howards) was so public and ::ahem:: ridiculously awesome.  But the dude is old, he is 38.  He is up in the ranks with Derek Jeter on the New York Yankees, a classic and great player who just never wants to quit the game.  Nash is only going to play 20-25 minutes a game, maybe play a total of 60 games rather than 80…..dude, the guy has some mileage.  We are going to need more than duct tape to help Nash’s (Lakers) “speedy” recovery.

 

The biggest reason to panic is the Lakers themselves.   Their offense and defense to start.  Good GOD the bench is terrible, being outscored by every bench in the league by at least 10 points or more.  And maybe we can put head coach Mike Brown into the mix.  Mike Brown is trying to instill a “Princeton” offense (whatever the hell that means).  Is this new offense absurd and completely pointless?  Maybe.  It clearly isn’t working out for anyone on the team.  Can we just go back to the good ‘ol pick and roll.  Don’t you think those newly acquired prized players would murder on the Pick and Roll offense?

And why is it called the “Princeton” offense?  Did it originate in Princeton?  Because we all know only superb athletics and talented players come out of the Ivy Leagues.

Unfortunately for Mitch Kupchack and Laker fans alike aren’t getting the results they are used to: winning.  Sadly, you can’t just throw these awesome talented players together and pray it is going to work.  Chemistry needs to be built.  Who knows how long that will take.  Hopefully not much longer because my eyes are starting to hurt just watching these painful games.  Mike Brown better stop looking like Randy Jackson from American Idol and start looking like a better coach. For starters, choose a better offense Brown.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sounds like the Lakers are going to have issues for a while.  Kobe is literally only going to play for another 2 years tops, Dwight will opt out next year as a free agent if he isn’t happy, Nash will retire, Metta World Peace will change his name to Generation Apocolypse and Pau Gasol will be the only remaining Laker who can remember the good ‘ol days of championship rings and parades.  Sounds like a fate worse than getting Lebron in a Laker Jersey.

Can Durant rid us of Down Syndrome?

Seriously.  Who wants to see Lebron actually get what he has wanted since he stepped foot on the NBA courts?   Who wants to see Lebron get that ring?  Who wants to see Lebron finally get what he “deserves?”

I would love to say a big fat: NOBODY.  But that isn’t true.  There are some Lebron fans and lovers out there.  They just all happen to work at ESPN and the NBA.  Lucky for him, the majority of basketball fans who purely respect the player for their good attitude and classy showcase of talent don’t root for Lebron.  Because we all know, Lebron is none of those things.  He could have them in the future, but he sure as hell doesn’t have it now.

I sure hope nobody REALLY wants to see Lebron win.  Nobody wants to see that satisfaction he has been longing for ever since he decided to join the Miami Heat.  A selfish move from his hometown and home team, The Cleveland Cavaliers, in hopes to get those rings Kobe Bryant be sportin’ like his collection of Nike shoes.  It’s a good thing Lebron never wants to go back home.

The arrogant Lebron can’t even hold a candle to the class act that is Kevin Durant.  How can you not love a basketball player that gives his mom court side tickets to every game and gives her a giant hug and kiss after every victory?  I could be a major sucka but that is just freakin’ adorable.  I think Durant and the Oklahoma City Thunder can defeat the Heat tonight in Game 5.  It is just a matter of putting Russel Westbrook in his place (damn bitchy Bruin), getting James Harden to score more than 13 points, having Derek Fisher step up to the plate by knocking down some clutch threes and for everybody to D up.  Play some defense to stop Lebron, Wade and Bosh.   It is possible.  Don’t be scurred of Lebron’s down syndrome busted face.  Do him a favor, do ALL OF US a favor and charge his face with your elbow, taking him out of game and forcing him to undergo some emergency reconstructive face surgery.  The world will be a better place 😀