NFL Bust a Nut

The NFL Football Draft is almost upon us and the prospective picks are definitely the “buzz.”  But can we really take these meat heads seriously?

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In fact, can we take any professional football analyst, NFL scouts or coaches seriously?  Can we trust their judgement when it comes to selecting players who they deem worthy enough to take them to the Super Bowl promise land? It’s important to remember that more than half of these analysts, scouts and coaches were former football meat heads themselves.

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I love College Football, but honestly come NFL Draft season, I can’t help but get a little discouraged. Not only do you feel for these players whose futures lie in the decrepit hands of 60-something men who are either geniuses or don’t know what the hell they are doing, but you also can’t help but get your hopes up.  “Future of the Franchise” they will say!

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If you are a football fan, you can easily count the number of NFL busts. Although the list may be plentiful, it is still soul crushing to recall the fact that these once great athletes are now either in jail, on weight watchers, making PURPLE DRANK, addicted to drugs, etc.  It is the type of sad feeling that makes you evaluate and reflect on your own life and the choices you make along the way.

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Hello, have you seen Moneyball…?!

What isn’t sad is predicting the next upcoming NFL busts.  Maybe because it has yet to happen or makes you feel like a Jedi Knight predicting the future, but the point is that these players’ reality has yet to set in and the potential for them to “bust” is up in the air.  Feelings of grief and sorrow may or may not occur.  So hey, don’t feel bad!

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So here are my top 5 predictions for this year’s potential NFL busts.  The players on this list aren’t necessarily newbies or rookies.  Some are players who have played professionally for a few years and are on the verge of “busting.” SO let the judging begin.

 

1. Jameis Winston

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Jameis Winston seems like an obvious choice for the top pick in the 2015 draft. He not only led Florida State to an undefeated season and a national championship, but he won the Heisman Trophy behind some incredibly efficient numbers.

However, this past 2014 season?  Not so much. With 21 touch downs and 17 interceptions this year despite an offense with a massive talent advantage, I highly doubt that he has the budding future of a franchise QB.

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His long list of off-field antics is just embarrassing.  His shameful behavior has caused many to doubt whether he is too much of a risk to consider a franchise quarterback.  You have to admit, any 20-year who has the college football world at his feet is going to have some indiscretions under his belt.  But steering clear of the “no duh” obvious, a professional man would exercise some civility.  Yea, good luck with that Crab Boy.

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2. Johnny Manziel

Oh Johnny.  Where to begin….?

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Short, Frail, Incompetent, Party Boy, Immature, Out of the Pocket Scrambler, Fugly…..these are just some of the words that accurately describe Johnny Football.  Although he was an exciting player to watch at Texas A&M, he has barely seen any noteworthy action in the Pros.

For starters, he didn’t make his first start until the season was all but lost.  When he did start, let’s just say that it didn’t go so well. In total he has only thrown 175 yards with ZERO touchdowns. Go Team Hoyer.

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All he has been actively demonstrating is his lack of respect.  Although he may not look the part, he is definitely a Gronkowski “Meat Head” wannabe, partying it up every chance he gets (My apologies for sullying the name of “Gronk,” the meat head actually has a Super Bowl Ring).  Manziel’s partying ways took him all the way to rehab prior to his upcoming 2nd NFL season, which could more or less be the stark realization that he may not be cut out for the NFL limelight.

Not exactly sure if one can surmise that he is not talented or dedicated enough for the game, but one thing is for certain, he is well on his way to becoming a bust.

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3. Mark Sanchez

OMG, does this guy suck.  I have to admit, I DO love saying that 🙂

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Although he has played a number of years in the NFL, Sanchez has yet to experience any well-deserved credit for his less than stellar athletic ability.  And who the hell would give it to him anyway?

In his four years as a starter for the Jets, he was historically bad at playing quarterback, a fact that didn’t stop the Jets from signing him to a multi-million-dollar extension. Also, lest we never forget: the butt fumble.  One of the most glorious moments in NFL history… well not if you are a Mark Sanchez fan.

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The “Sanchise” quarterback is now the backup in Philadelphia, Nick Foles #2, another Pac-12 quarterback who didn’t nearly experience similar success at Arizona University.  My the tables have turned for Dirty Sanchez.

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4. Colin Kaepernick

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This may be a long shot, but Kaepernick’s performance towards the end of the 2014 was anything but stellar. With the sudden departure of his winning head coach Jim Harbaugh, the expected trade of their powerhouse running back Frank Gore and locker room shenanigans erupting, Kaepernick’s fate seems a bit muddled.

Sure he runs like a gazelle and has made a Super Bowl appearance, but without strength in leadership as well as support from his fellow teammates, Kaepernick may surely lose it. He can be just as disposable as his former mentor, Alex Smith.

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However, I do have to acknowledge the fact that Kaepernick wasn’t necessarily a top pick coming out of Nevada.  Being drafted in the second round isn’t bad at all.  But when the label “NFL Bust” is flung around the locker room, it is assumed that the player in question was initially expected to perform at a high level before seeing any professional action.  I am not sure if high expectations surrounded Kaepernick during the draft, nevertheless, his performance this last season along with the ambiguous future of the 49ers may mark the beginning of the end.

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(Yea, you tell him Sherman)

 

5. Ray Rice vs. Adrian Peterson

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The issue among these two players isn’t based on their athletic ability.  It’s their off-field antics that may haunt them for the rest of their lives, so much so that they may not recover.

Both were caught in the act of beating one of their family members publicly, who were then dually reprimanded by the NFL, forcing them to leave the game in the 2014 season.  Although Rice’s actions erupted a mass attack on the NFL and their domestic abuse policy, Peterson’s “debatable” actions also ignited an open commentary on corporal punishment.  It was so serious that the NFL had to give up a precious Super Bowl commercial slot addressing domestic violence, losing millions and millions of dollars, money which could have been allocated towards something that benefits everyone, like beer.

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Public perception has the keen ability (and perhaps burden) to either positively or negatively effect an individuals’ appearance and character.  Despite evidence to the contrary, that perception can be everything, especially in this digital age where information is at everyone’s fingertips in an instant.

This wouldn’t be your feel good come back story of the season folks. Rice and Peterson did some not so nice things and people will not let them easily forget, score a few touchdowns and collect their checks. Public opinion may never let these athletes recover.

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Despite the setback, I am certain that both Rice and Peterson will return to the NFL. Whether they return triumphantly is highly questionable.

 

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Kegger at the Heisman House

The party never stops at the Heisman House.

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I think Nissan struck gold with this commercial gem.  A bunch of college football player stars all living under one roof.  The real beauty behind these video spots is the communal feel to them.  No matter how old they get, every Heisman trophy winner seems to live in this one house.

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So who does what in this Heisman House?  Who cooks the meals, who does the yard work, who throws the parties, who sorts the mail and who the hell does everybody’s laundry??

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Let’s think about this logically, how many chores are actually done around the house?  I say there are about 7 different roles every functional house has, 7 different roles that these Heisman Trophy winners would need to take on in order for this Heisman House to be fully functional (and to be fully awesome!).  But who would do what?  And more importantly, who would be the best at it?  Well, today is your lucky day because I am going to attempt to answer that question.  Here we go:

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1) The Iron Chef

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Who would want to cook for all these football players?  Probably nobody.  Hell, these guys probably inhale food so fast they don’t even taste the flavor.  You saw that cereal commercial?

I’m going to have to go with Jameis Winston.  We already know he has good taste in seafood and doesn’t want to pay for it.  It’s a win-win, eat like kings while saving a few bucks.

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2) The Green Thumb

Whoever holds this responsibility needs to be able to hold a shovel and pick axe in one hand. This individual needs to be the Jolly Green Giant. I can’t think of anybody else but Bo Jackson. Baseball Player + Football Player = Gets shit done.

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Bo’s size and strength alone can easily rival Hercules juggling cows at the tractor show. Bo probably wouldn’t necessarily enjoy being a gardner but it would come easy to him.  He would finish half an acre of yard work in less than an hour. In 1982, Bo set state school records for indoor high-jump (6’9″) and triple-jump (48’8″).  Hmmmm, ok Jumping Jack Flash.

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In his spare time, he makes bows and arrows to go out hunting deer in the woods.  If that doesn’t scream Paul Bunyan, I don’t know what does.

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He is one with nature. Best not to disturb the beast at work.

 

3) The “Dad”

This guy has to radiate responsibility, uphold respect and bestow unyielding guilt to those who deserve it.  Despite his size, this football player is someone the guys would listen to and respect because they probably see a bit of themselves in him (…and probably feel a bit sorry for him because he never really was successful in the NFL…..).

Come on, he has the haircut of a “Dad.”

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I can see it now.  Doug Flutie gathering the gang around the fireplace recalling the glory days of his “Flutie Effect.” Encouraging all the fellas to chase their dreams because if they put their mind to it, they too can throw a Hail Mary pass to win the championship game.

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Not entirely sure about being the “stern father figure,” but these are all grown men who more or less don’t need to be punished, but rather need to be encouraged to do the right thing and do the dishes.

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4) The Interior Decorator

This player doesn’t necessarily have to know plaid from argyle player but have a good enough sense of style that wouldn’t offend any of the other football players.  If I had to recall every Heisman Trophy ceremony I watched while simultaneously remembering every suit and tie every winner wore, I would probably never finish this post.  But the one fashion forward player I DO remember is Robert Griffin III.

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Those Superman socks, hello?!  Those were damn cool.  A sense of style I think everybody in the house can appreciate (and tolerate).  If RGIII decorated the entire house in comic book hero paraphernalia, I think that would not only bring all the players a fictitious sense of unlimited power but also a sense of comfort and childlike wonder, feelings they haven’t felt since pee-wee football boyhood.

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Ahhh the good ol’ days.

 

5) The Maid

This is when you wish the Beauty and the Beast appliances would come to life and clean themselves.

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Tim Tebow seems like he would unbelievably thrilled to clean the house, leaving breath mints on every pillow.  Homeboy isn’t exactly a tool but I think he would be up for anything that positively contributes to the House.  Even though he isn’t playing football, he would love to pall around all the guys who actually had an NFL career longer than the lifespan of a butterfly.

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Can’t you just imagine him in an apron and duster breezing through the House leaving only the fresh scent of Florida oranges.

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6) The Rebel

OJ. Duh.

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7) Party Boy

When it’s time to party, we will party hard.

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It is without question that all of the Heisman Trophy winners know how to party.  But I’m going to have to go with the most recent and most publicized party animal the House has ever seen: Johnny Football.

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Thanks to his avid social media use, Johnny has infamously gained the reputation of ‘Party Animal.”  Aside from his poor composure, the man doesn’t let his party animal ways negatively affect his work.  And his partying ways would be put to good use at the Heisman House no?

 

8) The Casanova

It’s hard to just pick one, I mean all the players have some sense of dashing athleticism and sport some dapper looks. But the one who notoriously banged his way through college is Matt Leinart.  Although we can’t exactly blame his womanizing for his disastrous NFL career, we can blame his less than shy appendage for his illegitimate child who is half brothers with Blake Griffin’s kid.  Blood brothers for life.

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Leinart is also known to have dated MTV reality stars and Paris Hilton.  Yes, Paris Hilton, aspiring DJ.

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Well at least everyone in the Heisman House can count on Matty Leinart for some of that needed protection….oh wait.

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Oh the Hesiman House. Seems like such a magical place where dreams come true.

 

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Time to be Shallow

Now comes the time when the NFL comes together and judges the SHIT out of potential players.  More like potential livestock, but hey it’s fun 🙂

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THE NFL DRAFT BABY.

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These football players have been dreaming about this moment their entire lives, just waiting to get chosen first and enter the promise land.  But before they can start dreaming, they have to pass a few tests, athletic hurdles that only super humans can really conquer. With all due respect, the NFL draft is legit like the Hunger Games, the type of Hunger Games that emulate real-life.  Survival of the fittest baby, these boys are hungry and need to feed all their babies.

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The real reason why I find the NFL draft so comical, and yet so realistic, is the idea that it is widely acceptable to be shallow when choosing the players.  Answering questions like, “How big are his muscles?” “Is he hot?” “Can he make me a lot of money?”

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I can guarantee these are legitimate questions NFL teams try to answer come draft day….probably phrased a bit differently but you get the picture.  Cha-CHING $$.

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It’s time to pimp yourself out boys.  Now who can shake their money-maker more?  Seriously, scouts check out potential players culos because those tight muscular culos reveal their true athletic prowess.  Who doesn’t want to look at  dudes’ tight little muscular butts all day?

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So you may be asking yourselves, who is this year’s hottest NFL draft pick?  Well, let’s see.  You got Johnny “Football” Manziel, quarterback from Texas A&M, in the forefront.  Yes, he plays quarterback. Yes, he won the Heisman Trophy. Yes, he would be a wise draft choice.  Hell, he is already drawing comparisons to Drew Breeze.  But let’s take a closer look at Johnny Manziel.  At 6’1 foot 210 pounds, Johnny is well on his way to becoming one of the smallest quarterbacks to enter the draft.

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One thing if for certain though, fool is straight up goofy looking.  Plus he has little to no booty.  Granted that all quarterbacks never really sport a nice badunkadunk because they don’t have to, they don’t run….they really don’t do anything except throw the football.  Manziel’s little booty honestly might affect his draft status……and his failure to make a lay-up.

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Whatever team snatches up Manziel are banking on his “Goofy ” face to be the future of their football franchise. That football team might not be so lucky……

Now let’s take Jadeveon Clowney, Defensive End for South Carolina.  In terms of size, speed and strength (fool is 6 foot 5, 266 pounds and can run the 40 yard dash in 4.51 seconds), Jadeveon is Beast Monster Titan, a player you would want to team up with in the Hunger Games.  SURVIVOR.

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As an NFL scout, you want a physical specimen, the whole package.  You don’t want a no-booty Goofy faced player who runs around like a chicken with its head cut off.  You want a killer.

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Just look at the two biggest NFL busts of all time: Quarterbacks Ryan Leaf and Jamarcus Russel.  Were they hot?  No.  They were not.

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Physical judgment aside, everyone essentially wants to choose a player they can depend on, who they can look to in time of need, who they can trust to make the right life decisions and choose the right endorsement deals that will give their team a leg up. Obviously.

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I don’t know about you but I can not wait for this year’s NFL Draft.  Come this Thursday and Saturday, lets let the shallow judgement run rampant and free 🙂

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Big Brother Sucks

The most wonderful time of year is about to begin and it seems a bit mellow.  A little too mellow for my taste…..

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College Football kicks off in less than a week and I have seen slim to none coverage of the sport on ESPN unless Johnny Football’s face is slapped on the screen, Nick Saban counting his crystal footballs or the greedy NCAA being sued for their Scrooge McDuck behavior.

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What seems to be the overshadowing Big Brother of College Football is, and always is, the NFL.  Forgive me if I am wrong though, but I distinctly remember a lot more ESPN College Football coverage including interviews with the coaches, players, highlights and season predictions for all the conferences.  I am well aware that ESPN fills in a half an hour slot at 1pm for College Football talk but I am strictly speaking of SportsCenter evening programming. You know, the evening show everybody and their mom watches before going to bed.

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(The more important question now is, how can you go to bed without watching Top Ten?)

I know it is the NFL pre-season, and NFL fans just loving telling non NFL fans the many reasons why the NFL is “better” than College Football: The NFL makes more money, the NFL is quicker, the NFL is more badass, the NFL is professional, the NFL does your laundry….the list of reasons can go on for ages.  But speaking as a College Football fan, I don’t care.

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I have been College Football for years now and ESPN has always been my dependable news source for the pre-season. I ask you, how the hell are you supposed to make realistic Heisman Trophy winner bets in Vegas now?! G Golly Wiz.

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After letting my frustration subside, there are three distinct reasons as to why I believe there is more NFL pre-season coverage than College Football pre-season coverage this year.

1. Johnny Manziel: The Kid Who Got Caught.

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Ever since Johnny Manziel won the Heisman Trophy as a freshman, the controversy hasn’t stopped.  All of his publicity and attention have been negative, from the day drinking to the busty women he hangs out with. The guy just can’t catch a break.  Unfortunately, his childish antics has severely put a dark cloud over college football, a cloud that won’t evaporate until Manziel proves himself on the field this season.

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Who cares if he is giving College Football players a bad rap.  He isn’t the first and he certainly won’t be the last.  Damn you social media and your trickster ways!

2. NCAA: Scrooge McDuck

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The NCAA this year has been going through hell (and rightfully so?).  First, six current college football players are suing the NCAA for what else?  MONEY. The players are suing the NCAA in hopes to expose their Scrooge McDuck persona to billions of dollars in damage.  The plaintiffs now demand the NCAA find a way to give players a cut of the billions of dollars earned from live broadcasts, memorabilia sales and video games. PSsshs, yah good luck with that fellas.

Damn, and I loved those video games too…

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Second, this is the last year of the BCS System before Playoffs are implemented in the 2014 season, the NCAA’s last hurrah of raking in the big cha-ching. Poor guys, they are so useless and don’t even know it.

3. The SEC Dominance

Once again, the SEC is expected to completely dominate the season.  SNORE. We get it, the dynasty is here….thank you Mr. Saban. Despite the SEC teams’ not so competitive schedules, everyone is convinced that this College Football Season will be an SEC season.

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No wonder nobody is really excited for this year’s upcoming College Football season. Without the excitement of upsets and unexpected cinderella stories, the season will drift off into SEC waters and never return.

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I hope my theories are BS. Please feel free to let me have it because College Football is my absolute favorite time of year and arguably the best sport 😛  (Don’t Hate!).  So here is hoping that the season will in fact not end up being a Johnny Manziel COPS special, or a Scrooge McDuck downfall or even an SEC snore of a season.  Let us expect a great season for the coaches and players, but more importantly the fans.

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The NFL can suck it.  Your season doesn’t start till September 8th.  Wait your turn.  Let the little guys shine for a week or so.

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