Constipation Going Blue

Forgive me as I swallow my pride, but  Jim Harbaugh is a great coach. Despite his constant constipated face, violently angry and all, Harbaugh knows his football and deserves to work for a notable franchise.  he has worked hard, he deserves it.  So hard he looks permanently constipated, which can be seen every game day.  Just look at this fool’s Wikipedia picture.  My God, is he backed up.

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He has turned around football programs, both college and professional, in less than 4 years, transforming teams into competitive forces.  While at San Diego State, the Toreros posted a combined 29-6 record and won two Division I-AA championships during Harbaugh’s three years at the helm.  I think this is when he started to feel the seething festering pain of winning.

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That lead him to the less-than reputable football program at Stanford University.  While there he not only managed to piss off Pete Carroll on more than one occasion, Harbaugh delivered a winning record in his third season, steering the Cardinals to a 12-1 record, always finishing in the top BCS standing.

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Then his constipation took him to San Francisco to coach the 49ers,  Harbaugh led the team to an 11-4-1 record in the regular season, winning back to back NFC West titles, and one Super Bowl appearance.  Hey, losing to your not so successful brother would only exacerbate the constipation.

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Now he is off to feel even more constipated at Ann Arbor, MI. Him returning to college merely reveals to us that his type of winning and languish energy is more appropriate for the less than mature players.  I think San Francisco was just sick of his shenanigans, or maybe his facial expressions.

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There is no denying that Harbaugh has a knack for building winning football programs.  But I think we can all agree that his constipation will never go away.  This fool thrives on his emotions.  And for college, that is well and dandy because Harbaugh’s maturity level is on the same level as his players.

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Go for it buddy, don’t let that constipation get you down.  That constipation lead you to take the crown from Nick Saban.  Harbaugh is now the highest paid college football coach.  But who would really win that facial feud?

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Even though Saban is The Lord of the Rings of the SEC, Harbaugh would destroy him with his constipated face. Now if only that will translate into wins for Michigan, Harbaugh will be in business.

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The Annexation of Puerto Rico

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It’s hard to ignore the magnitude this Sunday’s Super Bowl holds.  I don’t think anybody could have called this one.  Not even Carnac the Magnificent could have predicted that two brothers would be coaching against each other in the Super Bowl.  It’s a good old fashion family showdown between John Harbaugh and Jim Harbaugh.  Some are even calling it the Har-Bowl.  How original boys.  Yesterday, the Harbaugh parents held a media day of their own, discussing how proud they are of their sons and that this Sunday will be tough to root for both Jim and John.  It’s like Cain and Abel all over again.  Which son do you want to win?  Which son is truly the Harbaugh favorite?

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I don’t know about you but I couldn’t help but think of one of my favorite childhood sports movies, The Little Giants.  This Superbowl is the EXACT same storyline of the 1994 family film……except the fact that the film is about pewee football game taking place in a small Ohio town.  Nevertheless, the fictional story is about two brothers, the O’Shea brothers, Danny living in the shadow of his older brother, Kevin , a Heisman Trophy winner and local football hero. Kevin coaches the elite pewee Cowboys football team while Danny takes on the opposing gang of misfits who call themselves ‘The Little Giants’ in an attempt to show their hometown that his older brother isn’t invincible and that there is another O’shea who is capable of winning.  The little brother isn’t always the LOSER dammit.

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This Superbowl Sunday is literally almost like a cross story with this classic film.  Bigger brother versus little brother, one trying to prove each other’s worth. But the roles are a bit reversed, see John Harbaugh is little brother Danny O’shea (Rick Moranis- ultimate nerd) when in actuality he is the older brother to Jim, who is older brother Kevin O’shea (Ed O’Neil- Al Bundy- The Douche).  Despite their roles being reversed, the personalities closely resonate.

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Of course on the Super Bowl’s Media Day this last Tuesday, the Harbaugh boys got a show, their own show, the Harbaugh variety hour.  All prominent media hubs, such as ESPN and Sports Illustrated, all asked the Harbaugh boys the same questions, questions touching upon on the brothers traditional upbringing in Ann Arbor, Michigan, their intense sibling rivalry as well as their relentless football aspirations.

If you’ve happened to have read any of these articles, seen their joint press conference or  have gotten a chance to see the way these Harbaugh boys coach during the regular season, you would instantly know …..these guys are very different.  In fact, they are SOO different that it really only makes sense to root for one.  That’s right, you have to root for Danny O’shea…..I mean John.

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John is humble, collected and just seems a bit nicer when you watch his interviews, his coaching demeanor and his attitude.  Jim on the other hand is a complete hot head.  Jim is aggressive, intense, and just flat-out a jerk face.  It’s one thing to blow off the handle when a bad play is called but it is quite another to humiliate an opposing head coach after a crushing defeat.  Jim is the kind of jerk face that just always wants to be top dog.  For example, their press conference this morning, John shows up in a classy suit and tie while Jim, because he thinks he is just so darn cool, shows up in his typical coaching douche outfit complete with khakis and 49er’s hat. Puke in my mouth. This is EXACTLY why the ‘Harbowl’ is like ‘The Little Giants.’  url

Kevin O’shea is the big bad brother who always brought his little brother down just because he wanted to, just because he could.  Plus, Kevin O’shea never changed outfits throughout the entire movie, sporting his same blue track suit like jacket and polyester short shorts.  Jim is clearly that older brother persona, even though he is 15 months younger than John.  Jim is taller than John, bigger than John, has had a more successful career in the NFL than John.  Although both brothers seem amicable and are still giving off that ‘we bicker and fight but love each other’ brothers, you know this Super Bowl is a battle between good and evil.

You think I’m crazy?  I’m not crazy.  I have proof.  Just check out this fun video I found on crossing the Harbaugh Boys with The Little Giants.  Pure genius, especially with the Bill Bellicheck cameo.

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I adore this movie, some of the greatest one-liners as well as a comical cameo from real NFL players like Emmitt Smith, Tim Brown, Steve Emtman and even coach John Madden.  Listen if you don’t know who John Madden is and only know him as the popular football video game, then you clearly weren’t born in the 80’s and probably haven’t even heard of The Little Giants.  Seriously, Netflix that shit NOW!

If you are having trouble choosing which side to root for this Super Bowl.  Let me make it easier for you…  GO RAVENS= LITTLE GIANTS!  JOHN 4 LIFE.  You always gotta root for the underdog especially when the jerk face brother is on the opposing team.  You don’t want to see the douche bag beat the humble good guy do you?  John has Ray Lewis, the beast felon.  You think if the 49ers win, Ray is going to be ok with that?  Just don’t wear a white suit that night.  Plus John is cuter.  Jim be fugg busted and nobody in Disney World would have him….well maybe Ursula.

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