Kegger at the Heisman House

The party never stops at the Heisman House.

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I think Nissan struck gold with this commercial gem.  A bunch of college football player stars all living under one roof.  The real beauty behind these video spots is the communal feel to them.  No matter how old they get, every Heisman trophy winner seems to live in this one house.

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So who does what in this Heisman House?  Who cooks the meals, who does the yard work, who throws the parties, who sorts the mail and who the hell does everybody’s laundry??

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Let’s think about this logically, how many chores are actually done around the house?  I say there are about 7 different roles every functional house has, 7 different roles that these Heisman Trophy winners would need to take on in order for this Heisman House to be fully functional (and to be fully awesome!).  But who would do what?  And more importantly, who would be the best at it?  Well, today is your lucky day because I am going to attempt to answer that question.  Here we go:

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1) The Iron Chef

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Who would want to cook for all these football players?  Probably nobody.  Hell, these guys probably inhale food so fast they don’t even taste the flavor.  You saw that cereal commercial?

I’m going to have to go with Jameis Winston.  We already know he has good taste in seafood and doesn’t want to pay for it.  It’s a win-win, eat like kings while saving a few bucks.

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2) The Green Thumb

Whoever holds this responsibility needs to be able to hold a shovel and pick axe in one hand. This individual needs to be the Jolly Green Giant. I can’t think of anybody else but Bo Jackson. Baseball Player + Football Player = Gets shit done.

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Bo’s size and strength alone can easily rival Hercules juggling cows at the tractor show. Bo probably wouldn’t necessarily enjoy being a gardner but it would come easy to him.  He would finish half an acre of yard work in less than an hour. In 1982, Bo set state school records for indoor high-jump (6’9″) and triple-jump (48’8″).  Hmmmm, ok Jumping Jack Flash.

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In his spare time, he makes bows and arrows to go out hunting deer in the woods.  If that doesn’t scream Paul Bunyan, I don’t know what does.

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He is one with nature. Best not to disturb the beast at work.

 

3) The “Dad”

This guy has to radiate responsibility, uphold respect and bestow unyielding guilt to those who deserve it.  Despite his size, this football player is someone the guys would listen to and respect because they probably see a bit of themselves in him (…and probably feel a bit sorry for him because he never really was successful in the NFL…..).

Come on, he has the haircut of a “Dad.”

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I can see it now.  Doug Flutie gathering the gang around the fireplace recalling the glory days of his “Flutie Effect.” Encouraging all the fellas to chase their dreams because if they put their mind to it, they too can throw a Hail Mary pass to win the championship game.

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Not entirely sure about being the “stern father figure,” but these are all grown men who more or less don’t need to be punished, but rather need to be encouraged to do the right thing and do the dishes.

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4) The Interior Decorator

This player doesn’t necessarily have to know plaid from argyle player but have a good enough sense of style that wouldn’t offend any of the other football players.  If I had to recall every Heisman Trophy ceremony I watched while simultaneously remembering every suit and tie every winner wore, I would probably never finish this post.  But the one fashion forward player I DO remember is Robert Griffin III.

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Those Superman socks, hello?!  Those were damn cool.  A sense of style I think everybody in the house can appreciate (and tolerate).  If RGIII decorated the entire house in comic book hero paraphernalia, I think that would not only bring all the players a fictitious sense of unlimited power but also a sense of comfort and childlike wonder, feelings they haven’t felt since pee-wee football boyhood.

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Ahhh the good ol’ days.

 

5) The Maid

This is when you wish the Beauty and the Beast appliances would come to life and clean themselves.

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Tim Tebow seems like he would unbelievably thrilled to clean the house, leaving breath mints on every pillow.  Homeboy isn’t exactly a tool but I think he would be up for anything that positively contributes to the House.  Even though he isn’t playing football, he would love to pall around all the guys who actually had an NFL career longer than the lifespan of a butterfly.

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Can’t you just imagine him in an apron and duster breezing through the House leaving only the fresh scent of Florida oranges.

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6) The Rebel

OJ. Duh.

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7) Party Boy

When it’s time to party, we will party hard.

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It is without question that all of the Heisman Trophy winners know how to party.  But I’m going to have to go with the most recent and most publicized party animal the House has ever seen: Johnny Football.

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Thanks to his avid social media use, Johnny has infamously gained the reputation of ‘Party Animal.”  Aside from his poor composure, the man doesn’t let his party animal ways negatively affect his work.  And his partying ways would be put to good use at the Heisman House no?

 

8) The Casanova

It’s hard to just pick one, I mean all the players have some sense of dashing athleticism and sport some dapper looks. But the one who notoriously banged his way through college is Matt Leinart.  Although we can’t exactly blame his womanizing for his disastrous NFL career, we can blame his less than shy appendage for his illegitimate child who is half brothers with Blake Griffin’s kid.  Blood brothers for life.

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Leinart is also known to have dated MTV reality stars and Paris Hilton.  Yes, Paris Hilton, aspiring DJ.

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Well at least everyone in the Heisman House can count on Matty Leinart for some of that needed protection….oh wait.

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Oh the Hesiman House. Seems like such a magical place where dreams come true.

 

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Big Brother Sucks

The most wonderful time of year is about to begin and it seems a bit mellow.  A little too mellow for my taste…..

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College Football kicks off in less than a week and I have seen slim to none coverage of the sport on ESPN unless Johnny Football’s face is slapped on the screen, Nick Saban counting his crystal footballs or the greedy NCAA being sued for their Scrooge McDuck behavior.

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What seems to be the overshadowing Big Brother of College Football is, and always is, the NFL.  Forgive me if I am wrong though, but I distinctly remember a lot more ESPN College Football coverage including interviews with the coaches, players, highlights and season predictions for all the conferences.  I am well aware that ESPN fills in a half an hour slot at 1pm for College Football talk but I am strictly speaking of SportsCenter evening programming. You know, the evening show everybody and their mom watches before going to bed.

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(The more important question now is, how can you go to bed without watching Top Ten?)

I know it is the NFL pre-season, and NFL fans just loving telling non NFL fans the many reasons why the NFL is “better” than College Football: The NFL makes more money, the NFL is quicker, the NFL is more badass, the NFL is professional, the NFL does your laundry….the list of reasons can go on for ages.  But speaking as a College Football fan, I don’t care.

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I have been College Football for years now and ESPN has always been my dependable news source for the pre-season. I ask you, how the hell are you supposed to make realistic Heisman Trophy winner bets in Vegas now?! G Golly Wiz.

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After letting my frustration subside, there are three distinct reasons as to why I believe there is more NFL pre-season coverage than College Football pre-season coverage this year.

1. Johnny Manziel: The Kid Who Got Caught.

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Ever since Johnny Manziel won the Heisman Trophy as a freshman, the controversy hasn’t stopped.  All of his publicity and attention have been negative, from the day drinking to the busty women he hangs out with. The guy just can’t catch a break.  Unfortunately, his childish antics has severely put a dark cloud over college football, a cloud that won’t evaporate until Manziel proves himself on the field this season.

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Who cares if he is giving College Football players a bad rap.  He isn’t the first and he certainly won’t be the last.  Damn you social media and your trickster ways!

2. NCAA: Scrooge McDuck

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The NCAA this year has been going through hell (and rightfully so?).  First, six current college football players are suing the NCAA for what else?  MONEY. The players are suing the NCAA in hopes to expose their Scrooge McDuck persona to billions of dollars in damage.  The plaintiffs now demand the NCAA find a way to give players a cut of the billions of dollars earned from live broadcasts, memorabilia sales and video games. PSsshs, yah good luck with that fellas.

Damn, and I loved those video games too…

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Second, this is the last year of the BCS System before Playoffs are implemented in the 2014 season, the NCAA’s last hurrah of raking in the big cha-ching. Poor guys, they are so useless and don’t even know it.

3. The SEC Dominance

Once again, the SEC is expected to completely dominate the season.  SNORE. We get it, the dynasty is here….thank you Mr. Saban. Despite the SEC teams’ not so competitive schedules, everyone is convinced that this College Football Season will be an SEC season.

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No wonder nobody is really excited for this year’s upcoming College Football season. Without the excitement of upsets and unexpected cinderella stories, the season will drift off into SEC waters and never return.

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I hope my theories are BS. Please feel free to let me have it because College Football is my absolute favorite time of year and arguably the best sport 😛  (Don’t Hate!).  So here is hoping that the season will in fact not end up being a Johnny Manziel COPS special, or a Scrooge McDuck downfall or even an SEC snore of a season.  Let us expect a great season for the coaches and players, but more importantly the fans.

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The NFL can suck it.  Your season doesn’t start till September 8th.  Wait your turn.  Let the little guys shine for a week or so.

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It’s time to grow up Little Rascal

Seriously, doesn’t Cam Newton look like a Little Rascal?  His bright eyes, big head, goofy smile, wrinkled forehead and perfectly separated (a little too separated….) eyebrows.  I know it might be hard, but you gotta look past the cutesy smile and see into his character to really understand why he has acted like a damn fool these past couple of days.

YES CAM, your team sucks, sorry but it’s true.  As a quarterback you are the general, the man, the leader of your team.  So why are you suddenly starting to act like an immature little boy who is upset at mommy because she wouldn’t buy you the chocolate bar you wanted at the super market so you decided to throw a temper tantrum in public and wet your pants?

Newton’s comments are a mere reflection of his character.  Do you know his sketchy past?  Nobody really ever focuses on someone’s off-field past, especially when all they want from them is to be in the present and win games on the field.  But Newton’s past is purdy darn sketchy.  While at Florida University, he was arrested for stealing a laptop that he later tried to hide from the police during a search of his dorm room.  He was then subsequently suspended from the team and, after a stop at Blinn Junior College, he ended up at Auburn, dazzling all of college football as well as the Heisman committee with his exceedingly good talents.  

During his one season with the Auburn Tigers, Newton’s father Cecil was accused of shopping his son around to prospective major college teams in return for cash payment.  Despite what should have been a major setback and harmful to one’s chances of getting a HEISMAN, Newton was cleared of any wrongdoing, was allowed to continue to play, win a Heisman and win a National Championship.  Go figure.  I guess cheaters do prosper.

Now Cam is coming out in press conferences in what appears to be a fur coat and making condescending comments to reporters, calling the ladies in the room “sweetheart” and giving run of the mill responses.  When asked what needs to change with his team’s four-game losing streak, Newton went on to tell the press to give him a “suggestion box” because he and his team were clearly out of ideas.  Who does that?  You know who does?  An immature butt-face.

Cam Newton is well on his way to becoming a great NFL Quarterback.  At 6’5, 248 pounds meat head has all the tools to withstand a hit and scramble away from linemen.  He is only 22 years old!  He has a long successful career ahead of him despite being on a shitty team.  Hey there is another young quarterback on the Redskins who is doing ok for himself on a not so great team.  Wait he is only 22…..?  Is this the excuse for his recent butt-face behavior?  Hell NO.  Look at other quarterbacks younger than him, RGIII and Geico caveman Andrew Luck.  They compose themselves so professionally in such a mature way, makes Newton look like a Rugrat.  What gives Cam?First of all, don’t ever call a woman “sweetheart” unless it is your wife or daughter.   It is such a demeaning and sexist connotation, not to mention archaic. Why would grown man even call a woman “sweetheart” in the professional setting?  Second, don’t give more leeway to the press, that’s all they want.  The last thing you want to do is give the press a stupid scoop, like having a “suggestion” box for a professional football team.  This isn’t Sizzler.  I’m sure the North Carolina coaches and owners know what they doing…….well..most of the time.  But they are trying.  And Newton mouthing off is only belittling the staff, not helping them.

Little Rascal, just shut your mouth and play the game.  Do what you are supposed to do.  Yes, you are paid to win but more importantly to play.  The coaches and owners aren’t going to penalize you if you are playing your hardest and putting up good pass percentage, rushing and touchdown numbers, even though those numbers aren’t necessarily winning the games.  Come on Cam, grow up and put on that goofy Little Rascal smile you just love to give the crowd.

Just think of the Heisman you unfairly won.  Remember that moment and cherish it because come Reggie Bush you won’t be able to even look at the trophy again.  Better yet, just think of RGIII winning it, a good standup guy who is now your public enemy number one in the pros.  Cam, you are a good quarterback, a freaking GAZELLE, so put that to good use and learn something from your idiotic behavior (and maybe your sketchy past).

Kiffin go bye bye

Lane Kiffin is one weird dude.

USC head coach Kiffin abruptly ended a post practice news conference on the field after he was asked by a reporter about an injured player.  After answering one question (a total of 30 seconds) he said, “I gotta go,” almost seeming displeased to answer the questions, and then he bolted off the field.   Literally…..jogging away.  What gives Kiffy?

Here, you can check out the real awkward Lane Kiffin moment yourself: usc-coach-lane-kiffin-ends-news-conference-reporter-asks-injured-player

Apparently there is some sort of ridiculous policy with USC, requesting that the media who have the chance to make it practice  “not report on strategy or injuries that are observed during the course of watching that practice or result from that practice.”  Wtf?  That’s what the media does, report on what matters….and injuries on athletic teams, especially teams who are (were?) supposedly championship bound.  Sorry SC, but that policy is ridiculously absurd.  You can’t hide injured players in Narnia for long….you know injuries do heal.

The USC Trojans are definitely under a media microscope ever since their 21-14 loss to Stanford last Saturday, quite the Pac-12 upset….and this is only GAME 3?!

A chunk of everybody’s dream in SoCal evaporated after that loss, winning a national championship and Barkley taking home the coveted Heisman trophy.  Barkley is still talking to the press admirably and swallowing his “shame” from last week, because let’s face it….it wasn’t pretty for the guy, completing only 20 of his 41 passes  for 254 yards with zero touchdowns and two interceptions.  Yea, that is still a slow soothing pain just typing that 😦

Hopefully Barkley’s dismal performance will ignite a fire for him and the Trojans who take on the Cal Bears Saturday at the Coliseum.  If you have to lose, better to lose to a ranked conference team early in the season rather than later, where it seems to count more.

Can he kiss Heisman goodbye?  It’s hard to say.  It is so early in the season that he and the Trojans can rally and win every game the rest of the season with Barkley throwing 6 touchdown passes.  Considering their somewhat difficult schedule as well as the “oh holy” conference that is the SEC, SC is headed towards some troubled waters.

The Cal game will determine whether the Trojans can rally.  Also, to see if Kiffin can give the running game a break and call some effective pass plays, for freaking ONCE in a game.  Good God was that ever frustrating.  Maybe that was the looming question that haunts him, praying and hoping the press don’t ask him the embarrassing question about the Trojans total running game  against Stanford, a whopping 26 yards.  No wonder he darted for the door.  At least he left the media before munching on some Coliseum grass……oh wait.

 

They’re Here……….

The time has come……the Trojans must avenge their SEC enemies and take back what truly belongs to them.

CHAMPIONSHIP BABY!!!!

Did the NCAA sanctions cripple this football program??  I think not motha fuckas!!!!!!!

ESPN ranked the unfazed Trojans at number 1 in their Power Rankings.  Say waaaaaaaat?  Matty Barkley, who skipped out on entering the NFL as a number 1 draft pick to stay for his senior year (what is going to be an amazing comeback year for the Trojans), is obviously a Heisman trophy favorite.  Suck it Mark Emmert and your useless NCAA punishments 😛

The Trojans haven’t risen from the dead.  Sorry NCAA, but they were never dead.  These last two years have just been a hibernation to reconstruct and solidify their college football dynasty.  “Our goal was just to maximize the situation we were put in,” USC coach Lane Kiffin said. “We didn’t know exactly what that’s going to mean.”  Damn right your going to maximize the situation.  

 

 

 

 

Maximize it soo much that SC went ahead and snatched up Penn State’s star running back Silas Redd after the Nittany Lions were slapped with one of the “harshest” NCAA punishments.  MHHmmmmmm we will see about that Penn State.  We will see……

 

 

 

In 2010, USC was slapped with what I believe are THE harshest NCAA sanctions:

• A postseason ban in football following the 2010 and 2011 seasons. If we win this year then who the F*ck cares.

• A loss of 30 total football scholarships over the 2011, 2012 and 2013 seasons.  Ouchies……

• A vacation of all football victories starting in December 2004 and running through the 2005 season. This includes the national championship win over Oklahoma on Jan. 4, 2005. RETARDED

• All statistics vacated for Bush, Mayo and women’s tennis athlete Gabriela Niculescu in the games which the NCAA deemed them ineligible due to rules violations. Meh…….

• Bush and Mayo must be disassociated from USC athletics.  Sad Face.

• An acceptance of USC’s self-imposed penalties on its basketball program, which included a forfeiture of all wins in 2007-2008 and a one-year postseason ban.  POINTLESS

• All titles won during ineligible games must be vacated and trophies and banners must be removed. RETARDED

• A vacation of wins in the women’s tennis program from May 2006 to May 2009, for long-distance telephone violations committed by a student-athlete.  We have a tennis team?

• A reduction of recruiting days for the men’s basketball program in 2010-2011.  Who cares?

• Four years of probation. UGH

HMMMMMmmmm not looking so bad huh Penn State :/

Kiffin just made the right moves.  He effectively delayed scholarship limits, making this season filled with experienced veteran players who are going to be competing for the National Championship.  BOOYAH.  Kiffin strategically signed players that would play at SC for at least three years or more.  “We signed a kicker, a punter and a snapper so that we wouldn’t have to for the next four years,” Kiffin said.  “You’ve got scholarship players at the three specialist positions,” Kiffin said. “My point is that isn’t for this year. That’s for a long time. That’s why it’s so big. Those guys are either sophomores or redshirt freshmen. They still have three or four years.”  Redshirt those fools like there is no tomorrow!  Kiffin, I love this long-term plan playa! 😀

As the scholarship reductions take a greater toll on football enrollment the next two seasons, USC will likely start feeling the NCAA bitch slap.  But hey!  At least they will still be polishing their Championship Crystal Ball and Heisman Trophy chillin’ in Heritage Hall.  Can NOT wait for September 1st baby, BEAT THE WARRIORS!!!!!!