Kegger at the Heisman House

The party never stops at the Heisman House.


I think Nissan struck gold with this commercial gem.  A bunch of college football player stars all living under one roof.  The real beauty behind these video spots is the communal feel to them.  No matter how old they get, every Heisman trophy winner seems to live in this one house.


So who does what in this Heisman House?  Who cooks the meals, who does the yard work, who throws the parties, who sorts the mail and who the hell does everybody’s laundry??


Let’s think about this logically, how many chores are actually done around the house?  I say there are about 7 different roles every functional house has, 7 different roles that these Heisman Trophy winners would need to take on in order for this Heisman House to be fully functional (and to be fully awesome!).  But who would do what?  And more importantly, who would be the best at it?  Well, today is your lucky day because I am going to attempt to answer that question.  Here we go:



1) The Iron Chef


Who would want to cook for all these football players?  Probably nobody.  Hell, these guys probably inhale food so fast they don’t even taste the flavor.  You saw that cereal commercial?

I’m going to have to go with Jameis Winston.  We already know he has good taste in seafood and doesn’t want to pay for it.  It’s a win-win, eat like kings while saving a few bucks.



2) The Green Thumb

Whoever holds this responsibility needs to be able to hold a shovel and pick axe in one hand. This individual needs to be the Jolly Green Giant. I can’t think of anybody else but Bo Jackson. Baseball Player + Football Player = Gets shit done.


Bo’s size and strength alone can easily rival Hercules juggling cows at the tractor show. Bo probably wouldn’t necessarily enjoy being a gardner but it would come easy to him.  He would finish half an acre of yard work in less than an hour. In 1982, Bo set state school records for indoor high-jump (6’9″) and triple-jump (48’8″).  Hmmmm, ok Jumping Jack Flash.


In his spare time, he makes bows and arrows to go out hunting deer in the woods.  If that doesn’t scream Paul Bunyan, I don’t know what does.


He is one with nature. Best not to disturb the beast at work.


3) The “Dad”

This guy has to radiate responsibility, uphold respect and bestow unyielding guilt to those who deserve it.  Despite his size, this football player is someone the guys would listen to and respect because they probably see a bit of themselves in him (…and probably feel a bit sorry for him because he never really was successful in the NFL…..).

Come on, he has the haircut of a “Dad.”


I can see it now.  Doug Flutie gathering the gang around the fireplace recalling the glory days of his “Flutie Effect.” Encouraging all the fellas to chase their dreams because if they put their mind to it, they too can throw a Hail Mary pass to win the championship game.


Not entirely sure about being the “stern father figure,” but these are all grown men who more or less don’t need to be punished, but rather need to be encouraged to do the right thing and do the dishes.



4) The Interior Decorator

This player doesn’t necessarily have to know plaid from argyle player but have a good enough sense of style that wouldn’t offend any of the other football players.  If I had to recall every Heisman Trophy ceremony I watched while simultaneously remembering every suit and tie every winner wore, I would probably never finish this post.  But the one fashion forward player I DO remember is Robert Griffin III.


Those Superman socks, hello?!  Those were damn cool.  A sense of style I think everybody in the house can appreciate (and tolerate).  If RGIII decorated the entire house in comic book hero paraphernalia, I think that would not only bring all the players a fictitious sense of unlimited power but also a sense of comfort and childlike wonder, feelings they haven’t felt since pee-wee football boyhood.


Ahhh the good ol’ days.


5) The Maid

This is when you wish the Beauty and the Beast appliances would come to life and clean themselves.


Tim Tebow seems like he would unbelievably thrilled to clean the house, leaving breath mints on every pillow.  Homeboy isn’t exactly a tool but I think he would be up for anything that positively contributes to the House.  Even though he isn’t playing football, he would love to pall around all the guys who actually had an NFL career longer than the lifespan of a butterfly.


Can’t you just imagine him in an apron and duster breezing through the House leaving only the fresh scent of Florida oranges.


6) The Rebel

OJ. Duh.


7) Party Boy

When it’s time to party, we will party hard.


It is without question that all of the Heisman Trophy winners know how to party.  But I’m going to have to go with the most recent and most publicized party animal the House has ever seen: Johnny Football.


Thanks to his avid social media use, Johnny has infamously gained the reputation of ‘Party Animal.”  Aside from his poor composure, the man doesn’t let his party animal ways negatively affect his work.  And his partying ways would be put to good use at the Heisman House no?


8) The Casanova

It’s hard to just pick one, I mean all the players have some sense of dashing athleticism and sport some dapper looks. But the one who notoriously banged his way through college is Matt Leinart.  Although we can’t exactly blame his womanizing for his disastrous NFL career, we can blame his less than shy appendage for his illegitimate child who is half brothers with Blake Griffin’s kid.  Blood brothers for life.


Leinart is also known to have dated MTV reality stars and Paris Hilton.  Yes, Paris Hilton, aspiring DJ.


Well at least everyone in the Heisman House can count on Matty Leinart for some of that needed protection….oh wait.


Oh the Hesiman House. Seems like such a magical place where dreams come true.





What will you be drinking this Sunday?

What is the one thing you instantaneously think of when you hear the words, “The Super Bowl.”  Well, a lot comes to mind: Football (I would sure hope so), commercials, The Halftime Show and, quite possibly, Doritos.


But if you are a hard-hitting muscle testosterone driven individual, you think of one thing : BEER.


There are so many tasty brews out there, it’s hard to just pick one.  But let’s get one thing straight.  The Super Bowl isn’t the time nor place for those fancy micro-brews (unless your Hipster, but what true Hipster watches sports?).  Save those expensive beers for an art gallery opening.


So for your viewing and tasting pleasure, I picked the top 5 (affordable) beers to bring to your Super Bowl party.  To duly note: I am avoiding high-alcohol beers—you don’t want the lightweight LAME-Os to fall asleep…or make their chips and salsa magically appear again on your couch.  Second, I want to try and offer some sort of variety so there’s something for everyone, and finally , I am solely basing my selections on their 2013 Super Bowl commercials.  That’s right.  The Super Bowl wouldn’t have it any other way 🙂


5. Redd’s Apple Ale


This might have been Redd’s Apple Ale’s first prime time television commercial slot, but it doesn’t really do anything to convince me to chug this.  This is obviously marketed for the chicas.  Instead of ordering the stereotypical Appletini at the bar, the ladies can opt for an apple tasting beer while watching football with the fellas, saving themselves from estrogenic embarrassment.  So what gives with the dude ordering the beer in the commercial?

Basically, violence is what makes people drink this beer.  Whoever is throwing the apple at your head is definitely not your friend.  If you want something sweet, go for Woodchuck Cider. Besides, it is a known fact that beavers are the friendliest animal.


4. Heineken


Ok this one is a bit frustrating. Too many unanswered questions with not enough cute cuddly dog humor to back it up.

Since when do dogs drink beer?  Since when can you bring dogs to a bar?  Since when do all guys who drink beer have dogs? Why would you ultimately go to a bar if you ran out of beer instead of going to a nearby liquor store? Much easier when you are bringing your dog along.   This is why Heineken shouldn’t be one of your top choices because your dog keeps hiding them, making you spend more money at the bar and more money on those stolen six packs 😦  Man’s best friend indeed.

3. Budweiser Black Crown


This commercial is a bit off-putting.  I know Budweiser is trying to take over the beer world, but this beer commercial is making it out to be more of a cocktail party turned dance party than a laid back get together.

The Budweiser audience just can’t connect to this commercial, nor would want to drink it while watching the Super Bowl.  Despite its good taste, nobody who goes to a dimly lit lounge dressed in black cocktail attire dancing on tables is drinking beer.  This commercial is geared more towards the fancy vodka, whiskey, scotch sipping crowd, you know, classy.  Beer can be classy, but this is Super Bowl, an event that is anything but classy.


2. Bud Light


DUH!  It is THE Super Bowl beer.  They only have like 4 different commercials.  Last year’s commercial is interesting but has nothing to do with beer.  It has to do with a magical chair…..

Ok, not the best commercial.  Although it’s cool celebrity guest spots with Stevie Wonder and the Avatar chick are fun to watch, it still has nothing at all to do with beer.  I guess this was the time to their let their advertisers unleash their creativity, to market Bud Light in a different way, since this is the most over-exposed beer brand in the country.  But really, voodoo witchcraft?


Nevertheless, Bud Light is always around when the Super Bowl is on.  And a 30 rack is so goddamn cheap, how can you say no?

1. Budweiser


This is by far the best commercial because of its use of an adorable beast horse remembering the man friend that raised him.  Oh the Budweiser Clydesdale horses, thank you for giving us a touching tender moment that warms the heart….oh yea, and transporting our beer….I think.  Whatever, they are cute!


A Necessary Apology: Nothing but BUD dominating the list.  Seriously dude, it’s taking over the entire Super Bowl commercial slots.  Well, now we know what beer company has the largest advertising budget.  Now I’m just waiting for their new 2014 commercial…… introducing UNCLE BUDS: the beer you love but with a new quirky taste.


Omissions: Miller Light and Coors Light

Two of my favorite cheap Go-To Light beers for any get together.  The Super Bowl is the ideal event to snag a 12- pack of these bad boys because they’re very light (light enough to consume for 5 hours), great for beer pong, they don’ t leave a terrible gut-wrenching dish water taste in your mouth and you don’t feel bad if you spill it all over the place because they are both so cheap.  Just remember to clean up.




Sadly both Miller Light and Coors Light didn’t have commercials in last year’s Super Bowl 😦  Maybe it’s because they didn’t have the means to scrounge up $1 million+ dollars to buy a spot.  OR maybe they ran out of money in their advertising budget because they choose to run their commercials 50,000 times throughout the entire year.  Well, it must be working.  I’m still buying them.

Cheers to Sunday!