The MLB Playoffs – The Champagne Genocide

Who doesn’t love watching the traditional champagne shower in the club house after a team clinches a win in September, solidifying their playoff position.  It is nothing but a joy to see grown men sporting snowboarding goggles (i guess they will hit the powder later….) and spray booze on each other, booze usually fit for a group toast honoring the bride and groom on their big day, but who cares?  This is AMERICA……I mean Baseball.

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Damn that seems like a lot of champagne for one team to have fun with….and they aren’t even drinking it.  Wait, they are not even drinking it?! What kind of horrible wasteful ritual is this?!

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This it the time of year champagne bottles are shaking in their bottles because the MLB decides that it is OK to be absolutely frivolous with the fizzy.  What is even more infuriating is that some baseball teams already know their spot in the post season, sometimes even days before the game, and still partake in the slow sticky doom of champagne.

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In theory, a modern team could get bottle service after 1) clinching a wild-card spot; 2) clinching the division title; 3) winning the play-in game; 4) winning the division series; 5) winning the league championship series; 6) winning a World Series.

(I’m no John Nash….but isn’t that a bit too many?)

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That’s six more champagne baths than the Super Bowl winner gets. (The NFL prohibits alcohol-soaked celebrations.) Obviously, alcohol is known to provoke violence, the gateway drug to Aaron Hernandez.  DUH.

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Let’s be honest, the players can’t physically drink all those bottles provided by the MLB, unless they are The Dude, and instead of champagne you have vodka + kalua. I don’t think getting your stomach pumped before the Playoffs is the best idea.

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Is this champagne even the good stuff?  Good God i hope not.  These baseball celebrations are beyond rampant and perhaps need to be replaced with a beverage that wasn’t solely intended to be consumed by French royalty. I would say water, but turns out that is pretty precious too.

How about something American made, a beverage that was initially designed for the poor man – BEER.

Beer can come in a bottle, it can also be shaken up and sprayed profusely all over the place and it can also save lives.

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And beer can be cheap.  God forbid these players actually drink the cheap beer, but just think, all the money spent on bougie bubbly could be donated to organizations that are in need of dire assistance, like the NFL.  They could use all the help they can get.

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College Football > The NFL

I don’t know about you, but I am more excited than a fat kid at the county fair right now….and you know why?

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Two words: College Football…….and maybe beer.

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Better make that three words.

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College Football is upon us! This is the time of year when being crunk before 4 pm is acceptable, when you change your cell phone ring to marching band music, when hanging out in the parking lot is socially acceptable and when getting into heated fights no matter where you are is just plain awesome.

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From the Coliseum to Kyle Field, from the “Big House” to Beaver Stadium, college football fans are thinking more about Saturday’s game than anything at work, that’s for sure.

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It’s the thought that if your team loses one game, their national championship aspirations may be shot to shiz. It’s that late-game interception that leads the dramatic two-minute victory. That’s what we come out in hoards to see these boys give all they got every weekend.

Beyond awesome.

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But then awesomeness is at times derailed by the few sorry people who ask you “Why are you wasting your time watching College? The NFL is way better bro!”  I really hate coming into contact with those people because for one, it is illegal to set their car on fire, two, fantasy football is actually kind of cool and three, they know deep down in their very souls that they are just flat-out wrong.

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So here is my top 15 reasons why College Football is better than the NFL.

1. The Rivalries

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Pro-football rivalries pale in comparison to long-standing college ones.  There’s really no comparison. Not only have they been around longer and generate a more intense atmosphere for the upcoming match-up, they play just once for a solid year of bragging rights. The NFL will play their rival from the same division at least twice in a single season, removing the significance of each win.  What’s the fun in that?

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Love THIS!

2. The Heisman Trophy

Does the NFL have a Heisman Trophy….?

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3. The Marching Bands

College bands are an integral part of the college football experience. They have a way of getting fans pumped up and behind their team like no other. The music is so loud and powerful, you cannot help feeling motivated to get off your seat, clap your hands, and scream your fight song at the top of your lungs. It generates a special feeling and unique atmosphere foreign to pro sports.

Some of these marching bands have even won Grammy awards, been featured on Late Night, in feature films and even have had THE Ron Burgundy lead them to the promise land.

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Just saying……

BTW: Kudos to the band who got banned by the BYU Mormons.  You are an inspiration to all.

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4. A Day to Get Over the Hangover

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Monday is a work day.  That sucks because if you’re an NFL fan and you can’t hold your liquor, you’ve probably gone through life bouncing around between jobs or just completely hating life every Monday morning.  Do not discount the day of reckoning brought upon you by the hangover gods!  College games on Saturday should be your Day of Sloshness and then Sunday your Hangover Day.  If not, you might have to start exercising some self-control, and who really wants to do that?

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5. Brent Musburger

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You can hate Brent all you want but the man at least makes it interesting.  Sure, he makes it interesting by using the same old catch phrases that he’s been using for years, plus in his old age he is getting more and more inappropriate and senile.  Thank you AJ McCarron.

There’s also a Brent Musburger drinking game…?!?!?!! OMG you must see for yourself: http://bit.ly/BQ5Tv. That alone gets him on the list….and Herbie ❤

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6. Roger Goodell doesn’t exist in College Football

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I’m not a big fan of the Hammer.  Seriously.  I don’t understand why 32 grown upindividuals, the owners of each NFL team, can’t come up with real discipline rules and ways of solving issues, especially when it comes to domestic abuse.  “Uhhhh this player who beat the hell out of his wife…..let’s suspend him for only 2 games.  BUT this other fella who tested positive for marijuana….let’s suspend him for an entire year!”  What the hell Roger?  And, then, he’s washing his hands ofthe whole Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy problem and leaving it up to the players and owners to get through.  Whatever, dude.

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7. The Scandals

Yeah, I know, it’s a negative but for many others, it’s gold!  I mean, where else can you get into ridiculous debates about whether or not the exploitation of individuals is based on some cockamamie scheme of providing a college education is okay?  No where else except in college football!  Without Jameis Winston last year, the end of the season sure would have been boring.  Being charged for only 1/2 crimes is pure scandal in the making, when the crime he was actually charged for was straight up foolish. Damn, those crab legs must have been worth it.  And you gotta hand it to Josh Shaw of USC for being a complete moron and lying to God.  Ugh.

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Idiocy is entertainment.  Haven’t you seen Jackass?

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8. Lou Holtz vs Mark May

These two together is just two college football peas in a pod.  Love them 🙂

Every season, you can always count on these two to bring on the heated bickering to ESPN, diverting our attention from the moronic behavior of Lee Corso.  And rightly so.

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9. The Cheerleaders

Sure, most fellas would put this group of folks much higher than number 10 on the list, but come on people, really?  From a purely aesthetic point of view, cheerleaders are cool.  They dance and holler and they’re always happy.  Plus, it’s nice to see somebody dancing and doing flippity dippitiy moves without having to wait every four years for the Summer Olympics.

 

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Plus I would hope their academic scholarship is more than $50/game.  Sorry Raider Girls…..

10. Better Tailgating

You can live anywhere in the United States, well, almost anywhere, and get to a college football game.  No, really.  And…when you get to that college football game, if you wear the right colors there will be somebody, somewhere in the parking lot, willing to give you a bratwurst and ice-cold brewski.

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While both NFL and college venues feature elaborate tailgating traditions, the college atmosphere is a lot more fan-friendly and just flat-out more awesome. Most college fans bring their entire family, adding a nice little Hallmark touch to the party. Let’s face it, there are idiots that abuse alcohol in all walks of life, but at college tailgates, it seems a bit more contained and just downright fun.  Don’t worry, there are bound to be some parental figures there to keep your idiocy in check.

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11. Better Overtime

In college football, both teams are given equal opportunity to score, and the outcome does not hinge on a mere coin toss. While the coin toss does determine which one first goes on offense, the other team still gets a fair shot to score. Each team starts on the defender’s 25 yard-line and on fourth down they can either go for it to obtain a first down or touchdown, or kick a field goal. The other team then gets a turn to do the same. If the other team scored a touchdown or a field goal, your team must do the same or you lose the game.  It can get intense.

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It’s high time the NFL implements a similar method not so contingent on a coin toss.

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12. Each is Game is IMPORTANT

In college football, rarely do we see a team play the same opponent in a single season. In the NFL, a team will play another from the same division twice in one season. While some fans argue it gives them a chance at payback, it confuses bragging rights unless the same team wins both match-ups. USC and UCLA fans and players can brag, with annual certainty, that they beat their rival back in said year. And isn’t that what bragging rights are all about?

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An NFL fan cannot claim the same unless they beat their rival both times in a single season. If they have to share bragging rights in a given season, it takes something away from the win and makes beating your rival meaningless; especially if the loser of the first meeting manages to make it to the playoffs while your team sits at home.

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13. No Trades, No Lockouts, No Changes

Just ask any Cleveland Browns fan how devastating it can be when your team decides to uproot and move to another city. The Michigan Wolverines will always be in Anne Arbor, forever sport blue & yellow, and will never cease to exist. Many fans of certain pro teams over the years did not have that same sense of security. A college fan could never imagine their team disappearing or moving to another location. It would be a nightmarish scenario for any fan of any sport to endure.

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Our lives are filled with such uncertainty at times, the continuity of college football is a refreshing reminder that we DO have something we can always count on.  Sweet.

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14. The Polls and Rankings

Love ‘em or hate ‘em, polls provide college fans with something to brag about and a gauge to compare their team to others. While it remains an imperfect system until we see how “playoffs” will work out this year, it was still better than what the NFL has. Polls give fans something to talk or brag about each week leading up to the next game. They’re also fun to contemplate, in particular if you like stats and numbers.

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15. The Tradition

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College football traditions are the oldest and most elaborate practices in all of sports. There’s the Little Brown Jug awarded to the winner of the annual Michigan verses Minnesota game, the War Eagle entrance for the Auburn Tigers, dotting the “I” in Script Ohio, the Clemson tigers running down the hill, the Twelfth Man at Texas A&M, the Victory bell awarded to the winner of the annual USC vs. FUCLA game and who can forget Notre Dame castrating all the players after Halloween.

Actually, I just made that last one up.  Who says that SHOULDN’T happen though!

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So here we go College Football fans.  It’s our time to shine!

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What will you be drinking this Sunday?

What is the one thing you instantaneously think of when you hear the words, “The Super Bowl.”  Well, a lot comes to mind: Football (I would sure hope so), commercials, The Halftime Show and, quite possibly, Doritos.

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But if you are a hard-hitting muscle testosterone driven individual, you think of one thing : BEER.

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There are so many tasty brews out there, it’s hard to just pick one.  But let’s get one thing straight.  The Super Bowl isn’t the time nor place for those fancy micro-brews (unless your Hipster, but what true Hipster watches sports?).  Save those expensive beers for an art gallery opening.

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So for your viewing and tasting pleasure, I picked the top 5 (affordable) beers to bring to your Super Bowl party.  To duly note: I am avoiding high-alcohol beers—you don’t want the lightweight LAME-Os to fall asleep…or make their chips and salsa magically appear again on your couch.  Second, I want to try and offer some sort of variety so there’s something for everyone, and finally , I am solely basing my selections on their 2013 Super Bowl commercials.  That’s right.  The Super Bowl wouldn’t have it any other way 🙂

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5. Redd’s Apple Ale

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This might have been Redd’s Apple Ale’s first prime time television commercial slot, but it doesn’t really do anything to convince me to chug this.  This is obviously marketed for the chicas.  Instead of ordering the stereotypical Appletini at the bar, the ladies can opt for an apple tasting beer while watching football with the fellas, saving themselves from estrogenic embarrassment.  So what gives with the dude ordering the beer in the commercial?

Basically, violence is what makes people drink this beer.  Whoever is throwing the apple at your head is definitely not your friend.  If you want something sweet, go for Woodchuck Cider. Besides, it is a known fact that beavers are the friendliest animal.

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4. Heineken

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Ok this one is a bit frustrating. Too many unanswered questions with not enough cute cuddly dog humor to back it up.

Since when do dogs drink beer?  Since when can you bring dogs to a bar?  Since when do all guys who drink beer have dogs? Why would you ultimately go to a bar if you ran out of beer instead of going to a nearby liquor store? Much easier when you are bringing your dog along.   This is why Heineken shouldn’t be one of your top choices because your dog keeps hiding them, making you spend more money at the bar and more money on those stolen six packs 😦  Man’s best friend indeed.

3. Budweiser Black Crown

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This commercial is a bit off-putting.  I know Budweiser is trying to take over the beer world, but this beer commercial is making it out to be more of a cocktail party turned dance party than a laid back get together.

The Budweiser audience just can’t connect to this commercial, nor would want to drink it while watching the Super Bowl.  Despite its good taste, nobody who goes to a dimly lit lounge dressed in black cocktail attire dancing on tables is drinking beer.  This commercial is geared more towards the fancy vodka, whiskey, scotch sipping crowd, you know, classy.  Beer can be classy, but this is Super Bowl, an event that is anything but classy.

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2. Bud Light

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DUH!  It is THE Super Bowl beer.  They only have like 4 different commercials.  Last year’s commercial is interesting but has nothing to do with beer.  It has to do with a magical chair…..

Ok, not the best commercial.  Although it’s cool celebrity guest spots with Stevie Wonder and the Avatar chick are fun to watch, it still has nothing at all to do with beer.  I guess this was the time to their let their advertisers unleash their creativity, to market Bud Light in a different way, since this is the most over-exposed beer brand in the country.  But really, voodoo witchcraft?

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Nevertheless, Bud Light is always around when the Super Bowl is on.  And a 30 rack is so goddamn cheap, how can you say no?

1. Budweiser

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This is by far the best commercial because of its use of an adorable beast horse remembering the man friend that raised him.  Oh the Budweiser Clydesdale horses, thank you for giving us a touching tender moment that warms the heart….oh yea, and transporting our beer….I think.  Whatever, they are cute!

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A Necessary Apology: Nothing but BUD dominating the list.  Seriously dude, it’s taking over the entire Super Bowl commercial slots.  Well, now we know what beer company has the largest advertising budget.  Now I’m just waiting for their new 2014 commercial…… introducing UNCLE BUDS: the beer you love but with a new quirky taste.

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Omissions: Miller Light and Coors Light

Two of my favorite cheap Go-To Light beers for any get together.  The Super Bowl is the ideal event to snag a 12- pack of these bad boys because they’re very light (light enough to consume for 5 hours), great for beer pong, they don’ t leave a terrible gut-wrenching dish water taste in your mouth and you don’t feel bad if you spill it all over the place because they are both so cheap.  Just remember to clean up.

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Sadly both Miller Light and Coors Light didn’t have commercials in last year’s Super Bowl 😦  Maybe it’s because they didn’t have the means to scrounge up $1 million+ dollars to buy a spot.  OR maybe they ran out of money in their advertising budget because they choose to run their commercials 50,000 times throughout the entire year.  Well, it must be working.  I’m still buying them.

Cheers to Sunday!

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