Welcome to Lakerland, admission: FREE

The Los Angeles Lakers are not in La La Land anymore.  Now when you even hear “The Lakers,” you can’t help but run away, shut the door, lock it behind you and hope no one will find you. It is truly a tough time to be a Lakers fan 😦

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This is the first time in franchise history the Lakers have started 0-3 in consecutive seasons. They lost their first five games last season and ended with their worst record ever (21-61).  UGH.  You can’t even pay people to watch this once mighty basketball dynasty uncontrollably falling into the depths of shit. Gandalf the Grey is probably still falling.

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Kobe Bryant’s 20th season with the Los Angeles Lakers hasn’t exactly gone according to plan.

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So much so, the five-time NBA champion had to let reporters know how badly he was playing after their home loss against the Dallas Mavericks last Sunday night.

“I’m the 200th best player in the league right now,” Bryant said, in a video posted to Lakers.com. “I freaking suck.”

WaaaAAAAAh.  This is so sad to hear especially from THE veteran player of a team that desperately …DESPERATELY needs to rely on and turn to for guidance, compassion and most importantly, leadership.

And all we can do in Los Angeles is bitch, cry and whine about it. Yea, that’s right Lucy.

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While the rest of the country is laughing at our unrelenting misery. And the worst part about it is that there is absolutely nothing we can do about it…..well, except maybe to laugh at ourselves, but when is that ever fun?

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I guess all good things have to come to an end…….

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Ahh to be a Lakers Fan

The Los Angeles Lakers have been on quite the journey these past few weeks.  Wait, what the hell am I saying?  The Lakers haven’t been on any journey.  They haven’t even been invited to the journey.  Forget it Bilbo, this is Laker Town.

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The Lakers are not the Lakers anymore.  And it’s time to just come to accept their ill-fated existence.

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Did it all start with the death of Jerry Buss? When Buss died in Feb 2013, an aura of invincibility died with him, and the family’s ensuing efforts to imitate his giant footsteps, instead of forging their own path in basketball’s new era, have resulted only in embarrassment and defeat.

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Or is it all Kobe’s fault?  Kobe Bryant has always been that guy for the Lakers. But now, the tides have turned and they have turned to the absolute worst if we are starting to blame our once beloved player.  Can’t blame a guy for experiencing the inevitable.

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Being a Laker fan is tough these days. But a true fan will accept reality and roll with the punches. So what comes with acceptance, comes remorse.  Depressing as f*ck remorse and, at times, outrage.

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But somebody will have to pay……

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Haters Gonna Hate

The NBA Finals has finally come down to two teams. The creams of the crop. The picks of the litter. [Insert any “absolute best” cliches here].

The Golden State Warriors are taking on the Cleveland Cavaliers.  Curry vs. James.  Cute Kid Riley vs. Receding Hair Line.

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So who do you think is going all the way?  Well, that should be easy to answer. Just ask yourself this: Who do you want to see raising that golden trophy? Who do you want to send to Disney World?

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Steph Curry, no question!  Lebron already has two championship wins, every endorsement deal known to man and has ESPN in the palm of his hand…why should we give this Space Jam wannabe a chance for his sweat band to be retired in the NBA Hall of Fame?

I know what you are thinking? “Why do you hate Lebron so much?”

You know why? Because haters gonna hate, and I am a true hater of Lebron.

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The guy is a walking “BUY ME” billboard, a man who is so hated he has his own website http://ihatelebronjames.com/.

(Granted the website hasn’t been recently updated. Probably because the hostility and hate just runs so deep that the website owner’s violent typing made his computer internally combust into flames)

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Now that is true hate.

It’s not that I hate Lebron, the man himself, it’s that I hate “the man, the myth, the legend” the media perpetuates and worships. Now that is something you can entirely blame on Lebron. Yes he is only doing his job, a job of god-given talent that anybody would kill for but doesn’t he have any shred of integrity or credibility to just say no to the media, the sponsorships and the attention?

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Someone needs to teach this goon about modesty. Next up, Lebron Tampons: time to get that thick-ass sweat band protection ladies!

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All of the credit and ball-sucking attention Lebron receives from ESPN is just nauseating. There must be some undisclosed contract where he pays ESPN for his unbearably large amount of air time and mentions.  This just in at ESPN – “Let’s see what Lebron thinks of the Masters! According to his Twitter, he tweets: “Yo Tiger Woods, where you at?”

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I don’t think any athlete can compare to his obscene level of overexposure.  Well, maybe Peyton Manning.

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With the millions of dollars he makes daily (yes DAILY), doesn’t he have enough money to feed Russia? You would think that but no, he probably doesn’t. I mean that lavish lifestyle doesn’t pay for itself.

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And now that Lebron is back with the Cavaliers, an unnecessary spectacle of itself, ESPN will stop at nothing to see him holding that golden basketball trophy for a third time, a shining beacon of hope that the hero can return to his hometown and achieve the possible.  YES the possible, this is Lebron we are talking about.

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The real culprit here is ESPN.  But who the hell is going to hate ESPN, the almighty giver of worldwide sports and beloved top 10!

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That being said. Go Warriors, the rightful winners who have no players sucking on ESPN’s proverbial teet. Steph Curry has yet to become a tainted spokesperson of soul-less commerce, so there is still time for his pure talent to take him all the way, all the way to get that golden trophy.

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Plus, his daughter is just too cute to pass up.

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The Charmin Show

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Kobe Bryant is riding high off his recent career milestone, breaking Michael Jordan’s all time scoring record of 32,292 points.  That’s pretty sweet Kobe.  Would be even sweeter if you could break that other pesky MJ record of 6 rings.  Oh wait, that’s impossible.

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Watching Kobe break an MJ record is great, superb, amazing yet depressing at the same time.  All that hard work may seem to be paying off but in the grand scheme of things but it’s not.  Why isn’t it?  Well, just ask Kobe.  How does Kobe define success?  Championships.  Duh.

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Kobe will truly feel accomplished after he wins his sixth championship.  Don’t hold your breath Black Mamba.

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Kobe breaking this monumental record merely highlighted all of the daunting flaws and dismal talent the rest of the Lakers squad sadly embody.  Great, thanks for the spotlight Kobe.  This is just what the Lakers need instead of actually winning games.  Hell, we might as well drop the Lakers and just call them Kobe.  “Hey Steve, who are Spurs playing tonight?”  “Oh they are playing Kobe.”  Perfect.

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No wonder Kobe is screaming to Mitch comparing the Lakers to Charmin Toilet Paper.  Who likes Charmin anyways?  Angel Soft Baby.

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Anybody would be frustrated if they were Kobe.  Since he was first drafted in the NBA in 1996, he has been working hard every single day of his life, hard enough to get to where he is today.  A place in his much decorated life that will be celebrated more than Lebron leaving a penny in a “Take a Penny, Leave a Penny” tray at a local 7eleven.  Thanks ESPN.

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That’s all well and good for fans all around the world, but that’s not good enough for Kobe.  All of that hard work won’t be worth anything unless Kobe deems it worthy.  Which at the moment, he doesn’t.

Dammit Mitch, do something!  Do something before it is too late!!

Don’t get up too fast now…..

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Moral of the March Madness Story….?

I know I know, March Madness isn’t over.  But isn’t it really over for all of us?  Aside from everyone’s bracket being completely f*cked,  does anybody really care who wins this tournament anymore?

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Moral of this March Madness story:

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Smack that Bracket

“The time has come,” the Walrus said, “to talk of many things, of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and March Madness KINGS.”

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Well no, not really but you get it.  It’s MARCH MADNESS baby! This is the time of year when everybody suddenly becomes a college basketball fan, fills out a bracket, takes the time to listen to “experts” in basketball analysis (does that even exist?)……and a general consensus of just feeling smarter.

Bracketology (yes it is an actual word coined by ESPN’s Joe Lunardi) is like a new statistical rating percentage sports equation that determines your predictions in College Basketball’s ultimate tournament.  Can’t you just feel the power of knowledge flowing through you…….

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When it comes to March Madness, you don’t necessarily have to like College Basketball, you just have to like being right.  If you fill out a bracket and win your pool, you can’t help but gloat.  You can’t help but gloat the SHIZZZzzzz out of a pretty much pointless life victory.  But hey, it’s the little things that get us through the day.

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March Madness serves as a nice distraction from our everyday menial lives.  A nice distraction that makes us feel a little sense of involvement and empowerment in not only the people we are playing with (family, coworkers, friends) but in the greater arena that is College Basketball. ShoOOooot even the President of the United States takes the time to test his bracketology skills.

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March Madness is the only time when we feel like we are participating in the collective fate of a sport.  We are willing teams to win, not for them and their potential championship glory but for our benefit to experience something beyond our normal spectrum of feelings derived from sports.  Yes it is amazing to follow a team from the beginning, rooting for a team engrained in your roots yet it is even more amazing to not even be a sports fan and participate in one of the biggest sporting events of the year.

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I know nobody out there can predict the outcome of sporting events except if your Biff Tannen in Back to the Future II.  But the feeling you get when you win your March Madness pool is priceless.

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It’s such a useless yet beloved accomplishment, we can’t help but embrace it. So here is to a happy and eventful March Madness full of upsets and excitement.  All I can say is, I could care less about who wins the tournament….but I better win my pool.

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Your Los Angeles Lakers……

You may or may not be following the Los Angeles Lakers this season…..and why would you?!  They are just downright awful. From Kobe Bryant’s supposed triumphant return from a career ending ACL injury, to yet another detrimental injury to the star player, the Lakers have yet to find their footing.

I think the entire season can be summed up in this succession of photos of Kobe Bryant at the Lakers gut wrenching loss to city rival, the Los Angeles Clippers.  Did I say gut wrenching?  I meant an embarrassing disgrace.

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And here we go Lakers…….going straight back to the D League.

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Only down 40 points….no real biggie.  But check out his wedding ring bling yo!

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As of now, Kobe may be regretting signing his 2 year contract extension…….or his hands smell like coco butter.  Yum.

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I don’t know whether Kobe is pissed at his teammates poor play or Jordan Hill’s hairstyle.

I can’t……I just can’t…..

NBA Kickoff

The NBA Season kicks off tomorrow.  And how excited are we?!

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Well, as a Lakers fan…….not that excited 😦  How excited can you be if your star veteran player is hurt, the supposed up and coming star player left for greener pastures, your newcomers are a snore, your bench is singing crickets and your returning players are….well, how can I put this….are OLD.  Plus the guys upstairs can’t even decide between ketchup or mustard.

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And Jordan Farmar…?  Don’t get me started on Dumbo…..

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The Lakers are a battered washed up team who will probably make the playoffs but it definitely won’t be an easy road to get to.  We will be lucky enough to see Kobe Bryant play his last game in full health and spirit.

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The one distraction I can count on this season is seeing the return of Derek Rose coming back from a torn ACL injury in April 2012.  Derek Rose is back, and back with a vengeance.  Haven’t you seen his epic commercial?  Here take a gander.

We can only hope that Derek Rose and his Chicago Bulls can take on Lebron James and the Miami Heat. Is anyone really rooting for Lebron this season?  Aside from kiss ass ESPN, aren’t we already sick of him?

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Aren’t we sick of hearing Michael Jordan come out and say he doesn’t like Lebron and would rather play with Kobe Bryant any day of the week?  Hahaha, naw not really.  But seriously, when talking about the NBA, there has to be other topics to talk about other than Lebron?

The Bulls, who were the only NBA team with an 8-0 preseason record, are again expected to challenge the Heat for the Eastern Conference crown this season.  So of course, OF COURSE, ESPN had to ask Lebron about the come back of the only player whose on a team that can take on the Heat this season.  “We don’t like them, they don’t like us,” James said of the Bulls after the drill. “It’s not unheard of. We all know how it is.”

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So articulate.  How does this guy come up with this stuff?

The only way this NBA season will be somewhat tolerable is if Lebron and the Heat lose.  Not necessarily lose a lot, but lose just enough for him to make that hilarious cry face again.

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Hopefully the Bulls can bring the Heat this season…..I mean beat the Heat…..I mean defeat the Heat.  Just WIN Chicago! Do it for Michael! Do it for SpaceJam!

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Lebron denied entry into SpaceJam

Are we sick of the Lebron James and Michael Jordan comparisons yet?  I sure as hell am.  Maybe I should just turn off ESPN…but then how the hell am I going to keep up with my sports…..how can I live without Top 10?!

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Lebron James, or King James as so many others like to to call him, is a great basketball player, probably one of the best.  Everybody in the media wants to talk about Lebron, can’t stop talking about Lebron, and clearly won’t stop talking about Lebron.  Ever since his ‘Announcement’ Special aired on ESPN, the world-wide leader of sports won’t stop praising this athlete.  Since praise can only get you so far, ESPN decided to mention King James in the same sentence as Michael Jordan, merely to keep the attention on Lebron and his athleticism.  If you are a sports fan and someone says Michael, shit, you better pay attention!

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But is it at all possible for the media to just stop comparing Lebron to one of the greatest, possibly THE greatest, basketball player of all time ?  Why does ESPN have to result in comparison?  If Lebron was so great, wouldn’t he be in a league of his own, surpassing Michael?

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Let’s do a comparison of our own shall we?  Jordan had played 6 seasons in the NBA when he was 27 years old. James has played 9 seasons thus far. Also, Jordan missed 64 games in his second season because he was injured. James never played fewer than 70 games in a season until this year, when teams played a shortened 66-game season. So Jordan had actually played 5 seasons by age 27. I don’t think it’s fair to compare a 9-season career with a 5-season career. It’s obvious that a player will achieve more if he plays 9 seasons instead of just 5.  Lebron was drafted out of high school because some considered him to be so good.  Michael on the other hand went to college and played for 3 years, taking North Carolina to win the NCAA championship.  Smarty Pants.

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I think it is just waaaaaaaaay to early to compare Lebron to Michael.  Lebron has a long way to go.  Maybe Lebron has yet to prove himself, seeing how he has only one 1 lousy title, but all I know is that someone in particular is sick of the comparison.  (Yea, you hug that trophy Lebron, might be your last.)

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Michael Jordan clearly hates Lebron and it’s awesome.  Michael probably doesn’t mind being compared to a newcomer or mentioned in the same sentence, but when sports journalists and broadcasters are bombarding every media outlet and NBA press conference with this tired topic, I think anybody would get sick of it.  This relentless association which may or may not be well deserved if ESPN is the one doing all the talking.  Especially when Michael says he would rather play with Kobe than Lebron.  He is right, “5 beats 1 every the time.” (Kobe, Bring back the FRO!)

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Michael Jordan is an international symbol for not just the NBA, but for all sports.  From the collectible shoes to his global clothing line, Michael has established his name as an emblem of elite athleticism.  For god sakes, he starred in one of the most beloved classic children’s movies, SpaceJam.  A basketball player saving the world with the Looney-Tunes……plus an amazing grammy winning soundtrack.  “I Believe I can Fly” hello?  Can Lebron do that?  Naw, guy can barely maintain a conversation let alone save the world.  Guy can play on the court but just ain’t the brightest color in the box.  Maybe things would have been different if he went to college……spacejam

Lebron certainly deserves the accolades because the guy is a beast and a 3 time MVP winner.  But when ESPN is giving all the applause adoration, it’s a bit hard to take it seriously because it’s biased.  ESPN just wants a story that will catch the attention of their audience, not necessarily the truth.  Who knows if Lebron thinks he is just as good or better than Michael.  And frankly, I don’t care what Lebron thinks and nobody in the NBA should either.  Michael Jordan is Zeus while Lebron is merely a sprite trying to claw his way to the top of Mount Olympus.  Jordan didn’t need to leave his team to get a title.

I am just waiting for the day for when some basketball player out of college takes the NBA by storm while the media starts inevitably comparing him to players past, like Lebron…..better yet, comparing him to Jordan.  Sweet. I don’t think Lebron’s little heart could take it.

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