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The Los Angeles Lakers are not in La La Land anymore.  Now when you even hear “The Lakers,” you can’t help but run away, shut the door, lock it behind you and hope no one will find you. It is truly a tough time to be a Lakers fan 😦

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This is the first time in franchise history the Lakers have started 0-3 in consecutive seasons. They lost their first five games last season and ended with their worst record ever (21-61).  UGH.  You can’t even pay people to watch this once mighty basketball dynasty uncontrollably falling into the depths of shit. Gandalf the Grey is probably still falling.

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Kobe Bryant’s 20th season with the Los Angeles Lakers hasn’t exactly gone according to plan.

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So much so, the five-time NBA champion had to let reporters know how badly he was playing after their home loss against the Dallas Mavericks last Sunday night.

“I’m the 200th best player in the league right now,” Bryant said, in a video posted to Lakers.com. “I freaking suck.”

WaaaAAAAAh.  This is so sad to hear especially from THE veteran player of a team that desperately …DESPERATELY needs to rely on and turn to for guidance, compassion and most importantly, leadership.

And all we can do in Los Angeles is bitch, cry and whine about it. Yea, that’s right Lucy.

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While the rest of the country is laughing at our unrelenting misery. And the worst part about it is that there is absolutely nothing we can do about it…..well, except maybe to laugh at ourselves, but when is that ever fun?

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I guess all good things have to come to an end…….

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Ahh to be a Lakers Fan

The Los Angeles Lakers have been on quite the journey these past few weeks.  Wait, what the hell am I saying?  The Lakers haven’t been on any journey.  They haven’t even been invited to the journey.  Forget it Bilbo, this is Laker Town.

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The Lakers are not the Lakers anymore.  And it’s time to just come to accept their ill-fated existence.

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Did it all start with the death of Jerry Buss? When Buss died in Feb 2013, an aura of invincibility died with him, and the family’s ensuing efforts to imitate his giant footsteps, instead of forging their own path in basketball’s new era, have resulted only in embarrassment and defeat.

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Or is it all Kobe’s fault?  Kobe Bryant has always been that guy for the Lakers. But now, the tides have turned and they have turned to the absolute worst if we are starting to blame our once beloved player.  Can’t blame a guy for experiencing the inevitable.

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Being a Laker fan is tough these days. But a true fan will accept reality and roll with the punches. So what comes with acceptance, comes remorse.  Depressing as f*ck remorse and, at times, outrage.

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But somebody will have to pay……

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Haters Gonna Hate

The NBA Finals has finally come down to two teams. The creams of the crop. The picks of the litter. [Insert any “absolute best” cliches here].

The Golden State Warriors are taking on the Cleveland Cavaliers.  Curry vs. James.  Cute Kid Riley vs. Receding Hair Line.

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So who do you think is going all the way?  Well, that should be easy to answer. Just ask yourself this: Who do you want to see raising that golden trophy? Who do you want to send to Disney World?

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Steph Curry, no question!  Lebron already has two championship wins, every endorsement deal known to man and has ESPN in the palm of his hand…why should we give this Space Jam wannabe a chance for his sweat band to be retired in the NBA Hall of Fame?

I know what you are thinking? “Why do you hate Lebron so much?”

You know why? Because haters gonna hate, and I am a true hater of Lebron.

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The guy is a walking “BUY ME” billboard, a man who is so hated he has his own website http://ihatelebronjames.com/.

(Granted the website hasn’t been recently updated. Probably because the hostility and hate just runs so deep that the website owner’s violent typing made his computer internally combust into flames)

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Now that is true hate.

It’s not that I hate Lebron, the man himself, it’s that I hate “the man, the myth, the legend” the media perpetuates and worships. Now that is something you can entirely blame on Lebron. Yes he is only doing his job, a job of god-given talent that anybody would kill for but doesn’t he have any shred of integrity or credibility to just say no to the media, the sponsorships and the attention?

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Someone needs to teach this goon about modesty. Next up, Lebron Tampons: time to get that thick-ass sweat band protection ladies!

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All of the credit and ball-sucking attention Lebron receives from ESPN is just nauseating. There must be some undisclosed contract where he pays ESPN for his unbearably large amount of air time and mentions.  This just in at ESPN – “Let’s see what Lebron thinks of the Masters! According to his Twitter, he tweets: “Yo Tiger Woods, where you at?”

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I don’t think any athlete can compare to his obscene level of overexposure.  Well, maybe Peyton Manning.

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With the millions of dollars he makes daily (yes DAILY), doesn’t he have enough money to feed Russia? You would think that but no, he probably doesn’t. I mean that lavish lifestyle doesn’t pay for itself.

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And now that Lebron is back with the Cavaliers, an unnecessary spectacle of itself, ESPN will stop at nothing to see him holding that golden basketball trophy for a third time, a shining beacon of hope that the hero can return to his hometown and achieve the possible.  YES the possible, this is Lebron we are talking about.

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The real culprit here is ESPN.  But who the hell is going to hate ESPN, the almighty giver of worldwide sports and beloved top 10!

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That being said. Go Warriors, the rightful winners who have no players sucking on ESPN’s proverbial teet. Steph Curry has yet to become a tainted spokesperson of soul-less commerce, so there is still time for his pure talent to take him all the way, all the way to get that golden trophy.

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Plus, his daughter is just too cute to pass up.

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The Charmin Show

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Kobe Bryant is riding high off his recent career milestone, breaking Michael Jordan’s all time scoring record of 32,292 points.  That’s pretty sweet Kobe.  Would be even sweeter if you could break that other pesky MJ record of 6 rings.  Oh wait, that’s impossible.

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Watching Kobe break an MJ record is great, superb, amazing yet depressing at the same time.  All that hard work may seem to be paying off but in the grand scheme of things but it’s not.  Why isn’t it?  Well, just ask Kobe.  How does Kobe define success?  Championships.  Duh.

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Kobe will truly feel accomplished after he wins his sixth championship.  Don’t hold your breath Black Mamba.

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Kobe breaking this monumental record merely highlighted all of the daunting flaws and dismal talent the rest of the Lakers squad sadly embody.  Great, thanks for the spotlight Kobe.  This is just what the Lakers need instead of actually winning games.  Hell, we might as well drop the Lakers and just call them Kobe.  “Hey Steve, who are Spurs playing tonight?”  “Oh they are playing Kobe.”  Perfect.

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No wonder Kobe is screaming to Mitch comparing the Lakers to Charmin Toilet Paper.  Who likes Charmin anyways?  Angel Soft Baby.

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Anybody would be frustrated if they were Kobe.  Since he was first drafted in the NBA in 1996, he has been working hard every single day of his life, hard enough to get to where he is today.  A place in his much decorated life that will be celebrated more than Lebron leaving a penny in a “Take a Penny, Leave a Penny” tray at a local 7eleven.  Thanks ESPN.

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That’s all well and good for fans all around the world, but that’s not good enough for Kobe.  All of that hard work won’t be worth anything unless Kobe deems it worthy.  Which at the moment, he doesn’t.

Dammit Mitch, do something!  Do something before it is too late!!

Don’t get up too fast now…..

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Moral of the March Madness Story….?

I know I know, March Madness isn’t over.  But isn’t it really over for all of us?  Aside from everyone’s bracket being completely f*cked,  does anybody really care who wins this tournament anymore?

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Moral of this March Madness story:

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Smack that Bracket

“The time has come,” the Walrus said, “to talk of many things, of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and March Madness KINGS.”

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Well no, not really but you get it.  It’s MARCH MADNESS baby! This is the time of year when everybody suddenly becomes a college basketball fan, fills out a bracket, takes the time to listen to “experts” in basketball analysis (does that even exist?)……and a general consensus of just feeling smarter.

Bracketology (yes it is an actual word coined by ESPN’s Joe Lunardi) is like a new statistical rating percentage sports equation that determines your predictions in College Basketball’s ultimate tournament.  Can’t you just feel the power of knowledge flowing through you…….

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When it comes to March Madness, you don’t necessarily have to like College Basketball, you just have to like being right.  If you fill out a bracket and win your pool, you can’t help but gloat.  You can’t help but gloat the SHIZZZzzzz out of a pretty much pointless life victory.  But hey, it’s the little things that get us through the day.

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March Madness serves as a nice distraction from our everyday menial lives.  A nice distraction that makes us feel a little sense of involvement and empowerment in not only the people we are playing with (family, coworkers, friends) but in the greater arena that is College Basketball. ShoOOooot even the President of the United States takes the time to test his bracketology skills.

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March Madness is the only time when we feel like we are participating in the collective fate of a sport.  We are willing teams to win, not for them and their potential championship glory but for our benefit to experience something beyond our normal spectrum of feelings derived from sports.  Yes it is amazing to follow a team from the beginning, rooting for a team engrained in your roots yet it is even more amazing to not even be a sports fan and participate in one of the biggest sporting events of the year.

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I know nobody out there can predict the outcome of sporting events except if your Biff Tannen in Back to the Future II.  But the feeling you get when you win your March Madness pool is priceless.

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It’s such a useless yet beloved accomplishment, we can’t help but embrace it. So here is to a happy and eventful March Madness full of upsets and excitement.  All I can say is, I could care less about who wins the tournament….but I better win my pool.

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