The Grinches of 2014

When Christmas time rolls around, you can’t help but think of your life and the people around you.  These swimming holiday thoughts are supposed to deliberately make you feel grateful and joyous that you don’t live in a third world country, can freely express yourself on a whim and have some form of sustenance to get you through your day, whether it be food or ESPN, you got it.  Life is good people!

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But you can’t help but wonder why so many people out there have it so good yet are complete jerk faces. Especially athletes.  So let us toast to this year’s Sports Grinches to more or less make us feel better about ourselves….when in actuality we still wish we were a rich Grinch.

1.  Floyd Mayweather Jr.

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How can I not pick this buttface.  You can always count on Mayweather to make the cut for the rest of his life.  But a little incident involving a friend’s suicide definitely put him over the edge this year.  Mayweather apparently witnessed his friend’s suicide over a face to face chat on his laptop.  He obviously failed at saving a life, so he decided to take his unapologetic ass to a Clipper game later that night.

Plus, is he really going to fight Pacquiao in May?  The fight will OF COURSE fall under the exact same day as the Cotto vs Canelo show down.  Sigh…….

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2. A-rod

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This jerk just doesn’t want to go away.  In the beginning of the year, A-rod  was expected to make his big comeback from his PED suspension.  That turned out to be a big fat NO.  It was then later revealed that he paid off a family member , his cousin, to keep his mouth shut about A-rod’s shenanigans.  Would it be terrible to just come clean A-rod??   One of the major reasons he is such a class-A Grinch is that jerk face smile he is always dawning.  Then again, the Yankees do owe him about $60 million……

 

3.  Roger Goodell

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There is just not enough time in the day to begin discussing the gravity of Roger Goodell’s “Grinch” behavior he so unabashedly displayed this past year.  We shall see how 2015 will unfold for Mr. Goodell….wait, I mean the NFL.

4.  Donald Sterling

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Well this guy should be at the top of everyone’s list for 2014.  Donald Sterling proceeded to become the most hated man in the NBA overnight due to his Uncle Ben behavior.  Well, good thing he is banned from the sport entirely.

5. Lebron James

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He went back to Cleveland.  Enough said.

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A-hole Justice?

Does A-rod, aka A-hole, really deserve justice?  Alex Rodriguez is suing Major League Baseball and its players’ union, seeking to overturn a season-long suspension imposed by an arbitrator who ruled there was “clear and convincing evidence” he used three banned substances and twice tried to obstruct the sport’s drug investigation.  Yikes….

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“Clear and convincing evidence” ladies and gentlemen.  That does sound pretty convincing.  But I’m no lawyer so let’s see if we can pick a good man of the law for A-hole (let’s face it, A-rod would never pick a woman to defend him in court, sexist centaur).

Rodriguez in his suit claimed the Major League Baseball Players Association “completely abdicated its responsibility to Mr. Rodriguez to protect his rights” and “this inaction by MLBPA created a climate in which MLB felt free to trample” on Rodriguez’s confidentiality rights.  Cry me a river…..

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I know there is someone out there who will protect your rights A-hole, even though your big butt couldn’t tell the difference from right or wrong.  But this is America, and every American deserves justice.  Since I am only familiar with lawyers of the fictitious persuasion, I am cutting down my list of lawyers from feature films and television shows.  Word.  Ready to bow down to the law A-hole?

1. Lionel Hutz

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So his “office” is in a mall, says he studied law at the Louvre and he never really knows what he’s doing (or even knows basic law words, such as “jury” or “innocent”). But if we go to court, we might as well make it fun.  A-hole’s case is quite comical since there is mounting evidence against him, maybe Mr. Hutz can use it to his advantage by distracting the jury into thinking A-rod is the victim of PEDs.  Or just not wear any pants…..

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Best lawyer-speak:
Lionel Hutz: I move for a “bad court thingy.”
Judge Snyder: You mean a mistrial?
Lionel Hutz: Yeah! That’s why you’re the “judge” and I’m the “law-talking guy.”
Judge Snyder: The lawyer?
Lionel Hutz: Right.

2. Atticus Finch

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Yes, he’s an obvious choice. But let’s count down his awesomeness: stands up to racists, is a wonderful single father who teaches his daughter valuable life lessons, wears a nice three-piece suit. He represents the best that any of us can hope to be. He is selfless, fearless and unflinching.  Yea…traits that don’t really resonate with A-hole.  Obviously Atticus would be the right choice if A-hole had a conscience….

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Preach it Atticus…..just not to A-hole…

Best lawyer-speak: “In the name of GOD, do your duty. In the name of God, believe … Tom Robinson.”

3. Jack McCoy

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Law and Order seriously needs its own channel by now.  Steely, brilliant, tough but kindly … Jack McCoy is your man for New York City justice.  Don’t let the kind demeanor fool you. McCoy mostly deals with homicide and badass murder cases.  This guy is clearly to badass for A-hole’s controversial corporate case, unless A-hole murdered Bug Selig…..

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Best lawyer-speak: “Your grief might be a little more convincing, sir, if you hadn’t just admitted you cut off your wife’s head.”

4. Vincent “Vinny” Gambini

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Oh my cousin Vinny.  This would be the obvious choice for A-hole because of his smooth laid-back persuasive New York City style.  He will tell it like it is, even if it isn’t what his clients want to hear.  A-hole could use a good kick in his big butt even if it is from a small smart mouthed Italian man.

Vinny may not win the case due to the lack of substantial evidence proving A-hole’s innocence but at least he would make the case an entertaining debacle.

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Best lawyer-speak: “[opening statements] Uh… everything that guy just said is bullshit… Thank you.”

5. Tom Hagen

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If the clear-headed, calm Hagen can deal with various Corleone shenanigans (namely murder — involving horses and people), then he can surely deal with A-hole’s legal issues. Especially since his legal issues may or may not involve horse-related revenge.  Tom could be up A-hole’s alley, but is a possible threat due to Hagen’s truthful nature.  Despite him being a New York boy affiliated with the mob, Tom is still a moral guy who can even see through his little brother’s, Michael Corleone, evil bullshit.

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Best lawyer-speak: “I have a special practice. I handle one client. Now you have my number, I’ll wait for your call.”

6. Harvey Birdman

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Harvey has managed to obtain justice for numerous figures in the cartoon world, including Apache Chief (when he spilt hot coffee on his lap and found himself unable to grow……you know….up) and Fred Flintstone (who was accused of being a Mafia figure, the Dabba Don). Surely he could take those lawyering skills and put them to use for live-action clients as well.

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Since taking all those PEDs in the past, some would consider A-hole a cartoon.

Best lawyer-speak: “Debbie, we are going to need some law books.  With pictures this time.”

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7. Fletcher Reid

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Fletcher would be perfect but there is only ONE problem.  He can’t lie. Without lying, A-hole doesn’t stand a chance.

Best lawyer-speak: “Stop breaking the law, asshole!”

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I bet you right about now A-hole is wishing there were no lawyers in the world, a world where we can all go back to playing good old baseball and focusing on what was once good about the game. A tainted free pastime of America 🙂

Yea, that ain’t going to happen A-hole.  The damage is done.  You and Baseball are busted.

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New Years Resolutions Sports Fans

(I know I’m a week late but hey, that’s how 2014 goes….)

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Every New Years Eve there is a always a little flutter of chatter among party goers discussing what they wish to accomplish next year.  New Years Resolutions are far too common yet far too annoying.  I want to lose weight, I want to help those in need, I want to be just like Jay Cutler (well, I don’t know about that one)…..blah blah blah.

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How about if we could make resolutions for our favorite athletes?  Especially those who you KNOW are going to make bad ones.  Don’t look now sports fans, but here is your one and only chance to improve the lives of athletes and sports here:

1. Lebron James

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Does this guy really need a new years resolution?  Yes.  Stop being a douche-bag and talking about the Miami Heat like is it YOUR team.  My new years resolution for you is to NOT win the NBA Championship, become a bit more humble, maybe not whore yourself out to every endorsement deal that comes your way and, more importantly, educate yourself fool!

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Despite your lack of a college degree, you have seen the world, met new people and have the advantage to take hold of opportunities others would die for.  How about you enroll in some prestigious university part-time and learn something new….like not being a dumb as rocks douche-bag.

2. Nick Saban

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Oohhhhhh Mr. Saban.  I thought your new years resolution would be to start fresh and establish yourself as the Lord and Savior Football Coach for the University of Texas.  Sadly, no.  Alabama is here to stay.  I think Saban wants to achieve not necessarily the impossible, but to achieve the impressive.  With a new year, comes a new system, a system of College Football Playoffs baby!

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Although the Crimson Tide failed to make it to the BCS National Champion game nor win the Sugar Bowl against Oklahoma, I believe Saban will try to shock the world in 2014 by competing once again for the National Championship spotlight.  Saban will get into the final 4 team playoff whether we like it or not.  You go girl.

3. College Football Playoffs

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Oh man, I can hardly contain myself on this one.  I can only hope the 2014 College Football Playoffs will be nothing short of amazing.

But we all know that it may not be due to the expected controversy the elected Playoff Committee will bring.  This alleged Playoff Committee….who are they?  Why were they selected?  Will the Committee be better than the BCS?  Who the hell knows, but it is worth a try.

4. A-rod

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2014 A-rod just needs to shut up, retire and take it like a man.  Good Lord, he more or less will make it into the Hall of Fame, so why waste this year being a bitch fiddle?

With all the controversy surrounding Arod in 2013, 2014 should be a nice change for him by stepping out of spot light, stop embarrassing himself during interviews, start behaving in court and retiring with style.  The guy has more money than he knows what to do with, so he should put it to good use.

Just commission another artist to paint another portrait of you as another mythological creature…..how about a Minotaur?

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5. Jason Kidd

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Good lord does this guy need a good resolution, but it’s a very simple one: WIN games.

As his first year as head coach of the Brooklyn Nets debut season at the new deluxe Barclay Center, the Brooklyn Nets have sucked, to say the least.  With injured players and lack of motivation amongst star players like Kevin Garnett and the frog Paul Pierce, the Nets have not won as many games as expected.

Well so far soo good.  After vowing to be a new team in 2014, the Nets are undefeated in the new year, riding a four-game winning streak. But more than anything else, the Nets are fighting. They’re now taking a punch and showing resiliency instead of folding.  Is it all thanks to Jason Kidd?  Who knows.  He just needs to win from here on out.

6. Jonathan Martin

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New Year’s Resolution: Quit Football and become a guidance counselor for young football players all over America, teaching them the ways of how to avoid becoming a pussy.

Jonathan Martin made headlines this 2013 football season by reporting to the NFL concerning hazing shenanigans he traumatically underwent during his rookie season with the Miami Dolphins, more specifically placing the blame on one, Richard Incognito.

After reporting the hazing incidents to the NFL, he left the Dolphins and checked into a hospital to treat his “emotional distress.”  A week later he was spotted laughing and smiling and the USC vs. Stanford game at the Coliseum.  So Mr. Martin, 2013 clearly wasn’t your year, you weaseled  your way out the NFL and are sooOOooo distraught you might as well put your traumatic experience to good use.  Counsel kids about hazing, the good and the bad.  Become a sponsor for anti-bullying campaigns.  Just stop the bitching and do SOMETHING….and maybe apologize to Richie….his NFL career is clearly dunzo because of you.

7. Aaron Hernandez

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Just hope he doesn’t become somebody’s bitch. I mean the dude is a football player, so he is already pretty buff and can more or less handle himself, but you never know, it is prison.

Aaron Hernandez was arrested last year in Connecticut for the murder of a former NFL player named Odin Lloyd.  More recenetly, police now suspect Hernandez participated in a 2012 drive-by double murder using a truck loaned to him, according to a warrant released last week, and that those killings led to the murder Lloyd, for which the former Patriots star is now on trial.

Just keeps getting better and better for Hernandez.  Keep your head up bro and make sure to have your family and friends send you lots and lots of cigarettes.

8. Yaisel Puig

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Hit more home runs, sleep with more women, become a permanent United States resident, win the World Series…..and go to Driving School.

Yaisel Puig already has two tickets for reported reckless driving.  Was he crunk?  I don’t think so because the cops more or less made him submit to a DUI test.  The guy just has a need for speed.  So I say in 2014, convert that need for speed in women.  The guy made a 30 million contract over night with his blowout success with the Doyers last year, so just hire a driver and hit up the clubs for some reckless dancing and flirting.  Who the LA ladies what Puig Power is all about.

Just remember to wear a condom,  have fun and get ready for the 2014 baseball season!

9. Russia

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Be more accepting of athletes no matter what their sexual preference may be.  Hey, if the United States can do it, Russia can do it.  Democracy worked right?

President Putin of Russia decided to initiate a boycott on gay Olympic athletes.  As the host country of the Winter Olympics, you would think a world event bringing cultures together would be a bit more tolerant of different people.  Guess NOT.

Maybe when the actual Olympics commence, Russia will come to it’s senses and realize that equality should be had by all, equality that should distinctly and actively be recognized in events watched by the world.  Monkey SEE, Monkey DOO Russia.

10. Brazil

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May the World Cup crown the United States the champions of 2014 games…..I can’t even say that with a straight face…….

Every world cup brings hope for the United States, a hope that we can actually compete with the world in soccer.  Unfortunately, the U.S. did not receive a favorable first round group selection. The Americans wound up with the potentially punishing group they feared and will play Ghana, Portugal and Germany in June as they try to move to the next round.  This couldn’t be any more difficult.  But we Americans are known to thrive as the underdogs…..yea over 200 years ago….

Is it going to happen, are we going to win?!  I have no idea.  Maybe this year will be a first.  I bet you Benjamin Franklin would know what to do….

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11. Tim Tebow

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So I guess Tebow has finally given up on his dreams of playing quarterback in the NFL  because he has become an ESPN analyst for the SEC conference. He debuted his broadcasting talent during the BCS Championship game and didn’t do half bad.

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2014 Tebow is going to accept his future and become such an impressive college football analyst, he will replace Lee Corso on College GameDay, forever leaving our Saturday mornings free of embarrassing antics and pathetic winner predictions.  And give the college mascots back their glory dammit! Glorious 🙂

Feliz Ano Nuevo Everybody!

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He just looks like a cry baby.  And you know why?  Because he is. Just look at him. He has never looked so good in his life.  That’s because his LIFE is ENDING.

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Alex Rodriguez, Arod, Asshole, Bubble Butt…call him what you will but he has definitely over stayed his welcome in Baseball Land.

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Maybe he should start thinking about retiring to Fantasia.  I mean, he is already painted as a Centaur right?

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But would the mystical fantasy land that is Disney’s Fantasia really welcome Arod with open and forgiving arms?

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(Don’t eat the apple grrrrrrl.  Can’t trust anybody in Fantasia)

Probably…..but then he would die and then be re-directed to the Night On Bald Mountain scene, where the giant scary devil Chernabog summons the evil spirits and restless souls from their graves.  That’s what is going to happen to Arod.  He is going to be left to dance in the night, the shadows of Baseball, and forever be a slave to Chernabog….Chernabog is hopped up on steriods…obviously.  Haven’t you seen his muscles?!  That ain’t CGI yo.

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One thing is clear.  Arod will never again see the light of day….

Or maybe he will find comfort in the arms of this sexy dude……

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