The MLB Playoffs – The Champagne Genocide

Who doesn’t love watching the traditional champagne shower in the club house after a team clinches a win in September, solidifying their playoff position.  It is nothing but a joy to see grown men sporting snowboarding goggles (i guess they will hit the powder later….) and spray booze on each other, booze usually fit for a group toast honoring the bride and groom on their big day, but who cares?  This is AMERICA……I mean Baseball.




Damn that seems like a lot of champagne for one team to have fun with….and they aren’t even drinking it.  Wait, they are not even drinking it?! What kind of horrible wasteful ritual is this?!


This it the time of year champagne bottles are shaking in their bottles because the MLB decides that it is OK to be absolutely frivolous with the fizzy.  What is even more infuriating is that some baseball teams already know their spot in the post season, sometimes even days before the game, and still partake in the slow sticky doom of champagne.


In theory, a modern team could get bottle service after 1) clinching a wild-card spot; 2) clinching the division title; 3) winning the play-in game; 4) winning the division series; 5) winning the league championship series; 6) winning a World Series.

(I’m no John Nash….but isn’t that a bit too many?)


That’s six more champagne baths than the Super Bowl winner gets. (The NFL prohibits alcohol-soaked celebrations.) Obviously, alcohol is known to provoke violence, the gateway drug to Aaron Hernandez.  DUH.


Let’s be honest, the players can’t physically drink all those bottles provided by the MLB, unless they are The Dude, and instead of champagne you have vodka + kalua. I don’t think getting your stomach pumped before the Playoffs is the best idea.


Is this champagne even the good stuff?  Good God i hope not.  These baseball celebrations are beyond rampant and perhaps need to be replaced with a beverage that wasn’t solely intended to be consumed by French royalty. I would say water, but turns out that is pretty precious too.

How about something American made, a beverage that was initially designed for the poor man – BEER.

Beer can come in a bottle, it can also be shaken up and sprayed profusely all over the place and it can also save lives.


And beer can be cheap.  God forbid these players actually drink the cheap beer, but just think, all the money spent on bougie bubbly could be donated to organizations that are in need of dire assistance, like the NFL.  They could use all the help they can get.


Melt your little heart

Doesn’t Michael Sam and his Twink boyfriend just melt your little heart…???



After Michael Sam was drafted to the St. Louis Rams as the 249th pick, him and his boyfriend displayed some ADORABLE behavior.  This affectionate behavior was nationally broadcasted for the entire NFL nation to see.  Let the flood gates open.


Yo NFL…better start embracing these boys because this is on your doorstep whether you like it or not.  And frankly, I’m so happy they kissed and had a loving embrace on live television watched by beer drinking AMERICAN men.


Some were not OK with it, as expected.  People can attempt full tolerance and still not be fully OK seeing an actual display of LOVE between two men.  Oh the times, they are A CHANGING.  But I think this is a great first step for the NFL , and that step is walking down acceptance road. Let’s just say the yellow brick road because that is more fun.



It has yet to be determined IF Michael Sam will be fully accepted in the NFL.  We won’t know until after the season commences and a few exchanges of bodily fluids……I’m talking about SWEAT people!

GATORADE (sweaty face)

I am quite certain his fellow St. Louis Rams teammates will accept him and love him like he is their own brother.  The real issue will come when they play other teams when those other players have yet to formally meet and know Sam as a person outside of the “gay” label.  It might be one of those Remember the Titan moments. Hey, they had Sunshine.



Michael Sam is black… but he is also gay: an identity the NFL has yet to face and actively accept on the field.  Come this fall, I know which team will have the highest television ratings ….and not because they are a good football team or have any star players.




America, F*ck Yeah….?


The 2014 Olympics have come and gone, leaving America feeling restless and defeated.  Although the country’s ill-fated Russian relations may have come into play, America still came up short, winning 0 medals in events they usually dominate.  Dominate you say?


When I think of the word “dominate,” I ultimately think of power, individualism and (in America’s case) imperialism.  Throughout our nation’s history, we have experienced more victories than defeat when playing on the world stage: The Revolutionary War, War of 1812, The Civil War (depending upon which side you were on), WWI, WWII, The Gulf War.  The Olympics are no different. Why do you think we have a medal count?


The Olympics are any country’s chance to shine through athletic prowess.  Hmm, Russia figured that out real quick.  But the United States had other accidental plans, plans of unintentionally showcasing vulnerability and submission.  Two character traits the country would rather not show to the rest of the world.  Come on, aren’t we supposed to be THE world super power?


Is this a possible foreshadowing of our future world standing?  Is this our time to step our of the spotlight and let other nations take the wheel?  Who the hell knows, I’m just talking about sports here.


However, our less than stellar performance at this year’s Winter Olympics did bring our country of bit of shame, embarrassment and disappointment.  Especially in events we usually (and were expected to) win. But hell, must we always feel the need to win, to gloat and to feel accomplished?  Maybe that’s why ESPN, the supposed WORLD wide leader in sports, Olympic coverage was so limited.  Isn’t it safe to assume that there would be at least one Olympic athlete making the coveted Top 10 during ESPN’s SportsCenter every night during the Olympic 2 week run?? Maybe that is too much to ask of ESPN, a channel which seemed to be fixated on only AMERICAN sports rather than Olympic athletes who are competing against, I dunno, the WORLD!  Sure, fine.  The way ice is made more exciting than Lebron’s broken nose.


The reason we are feeling such disappointment right now IS because of the media.  Good GOD, the coverage was just so skewed to the point where it almost seemed like we weren’t winning any medals. I wouldn’t say the ridiculous media hype placed on the US Olympic athletes in Sochi was the reason why they lost, but it definitely didn’t help.


Rather than brush off our national disappointment, as Americans we should embrace it.  Brushing it off would be the coward’s way out. The United States is a country that prides itself on itself, a nation that has defied all odds by winning independence, practicing foreign diplomacy and building the most fortified military in the world.  The United States has the financial ability to send as many athletes as they want to compete on foreign soil among the best in the world.  That is an achievement of itself and should bring no disappointment to any country.  Well, except for that Olympic ring fiasco…..sorry Russia…..and that guy from Norway eating it during the Opening Ceremony.



The whining and sniffling is a mere spoiled child that is used to getting everything it wants.  Let us embrace the change.  This disappointment, this change, is something that will make this country stronger, a strength that will make us become more poised in the way we conduct ourselves abroad, the expectations we hold and the outcomes we don’t necessarily desire, but need.


This experienced disappointment would have been ideal if it was the Summer Olympics.  Or perhaps this disappointment came at the right time.  Slap in the face America.  Wake up! Let us share the crown with other countries and rejoice in diversity.  What’s the fun in winning all the time anyways?  Just ask Michael.


Wahh Wahh America.

The Winter Olympics are almost coming to a close and it ain’t looking so hot for Americans.  Despite the fact that the good ol’ US of A is leading the pack with a total of 25 medals, 8 being GOLD, America is still whining. Wahh Wahh Wahh, call the Whambulance.


America during the Sochi Winter Olympics :


Except in this case, everybody is noticing….it’s the freaking Olympics.  The world is watching America lose it.

First it’s the fall of glory golden snowboarder Shaun White, then it’s the Under Armor debacle with the US Speed Skating Team (an Olympic sport usually dominated by the US) and then Bob Costas’s eye infection.


What the hell is going on?!

I think it’s a Russian conspiracy to make the US look like a bunch of whining babies.  That’ll teach Obama.  Well you can rest easy Putin, it’s working.



Since when are we the only World Champions?

Did you ever notice after the end of a World Series or a Super Bowl, the winning team is always called “Champions of the World” ?


Doesn’t that just sound wrong, ignorant and a bit narcissistic?  I just cringe ever time I hear that, which sucks because it’s the end of the game meaning I’m usually in my happy place.  Thank you Coors Light.

I believe this said title is a combination of a couple of things: Americans sports + Winners = National Arrogance


But why only Football and Baseball?  Why no NBA or Hockey or Handball?

american-football-wallpapersFootball and Baseball would be the only sports to crown their winners, ‘World Champions,’ because those two sports are American.  Baseball is as American as apple pie and Football was invented in America.  Who are we kidding, who the hell else loves and plays football like we do?  Not a whole lot of other countries play football to say the least.  The whole conception of football is constantly referred to as a war, where the quarterback is the general and his troops (teammates) go into the battlefield.  The comparison alone should be any indication that the USA loves war, a feeling that exerts this country into dominance while creating this deluded sense of super power.  Which is why when football was conceived, some said Football was a new American pastime.   Hmmmmm let me think about that…that would be a big fat NO.


Baseball is America’s pastime.  No Duh.  Baseball isn’t compared to war or American dominance…the whole point is to stay safe and run home….which is perhaps why the sport is embraced and played by many countries…..countries that… i dare say….love it more than America?

Obviously I’m talking about Japan.  I don’t know if they necessarily love it more because it isn’t their historical ‘pastime’ but they sure do worship the sport.  Which is awesome for America right?  I love how Baseball is considered a more international sport as well as a catalyst for friendly foreign relations.


So World Champions?  How the hell do we get away with that?

Both Football and Baseball were first played in America, when no other countries at the time were aware or even knew about the sports.  Baseball was first played in the 1800’s while Football was first played over 75 years ago.  So I guess by default if no other countries were played the sport, this meant that that their champion is the ‘World Champion.’  By the time other countries starting playing the sport and competing on a professional level, Super Bowl and World Series winners being considered ‘World Champions’ was common practice and stuck.  I mean ‘WORLD’ Series….come on. th

But is it at all possible to evolve from that and consider the rest of the world?  No, this is America, the best, the proud and true.  But even in the Olympics when a team or an individual wins, I can’t recall them being dubbed ‘World Champions,’ when in actuality they are because they are competing on a world level, competing with other countries.  Olympic athletes are the best of the best while we like to think that the football players in the NFL and baseball players in the MLB are the best of the best.  But they are only the best in the USA.  America doesn’t want to consider other countries because they don’t have to.


Nothing but love for one of the greatest countries in the world, but when it comes to this word choice for our sport’s champions, is a bit nauseating.  The problem is there is no accountability.  America isn’t going to catch itself saying it let alone other countries going to correct it.  Other countries just don’t care because there is no point for debate.  America isn’t going to budge over for something that places them on a national pedestal and no other country wants to piss of America particularly over a very beloved and sacred topic.


If anyone was to challenge this American narcissism would be a notable and well-respected broadcaster, like Bob Costas.  He hasn’t covered the Super Bowl nor World Series in about 10 years but if was to come back, I could see him calling out the ‘World Championship’ title as archaic and rude.  And then he would be fired.