The Grinches of 2014

When Christmas time rolls around, you can’t help but think of your life and the people around you.  These swimming holiday thoughts are supposed to deliberately make you feel grateful and joyous that you don’t live in a third world country, can freely express yourself on a whim and have some form of sustenance to get you through your day, whether it be food or ESPN, you got it.  Life is good people!

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But you can’t help but wonder why so many people out there have it so good yet are complete jerk faces. Especially athletes.  So let us toast to this year’s Sports Grinches to more or less make us feel better about ourselves….when in actuality we still wish we were a rich Grinch.

1.  Floyd Mayweather Jr.

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How can I not pick this buttface.  You can always count on Mayweather to make the cut for the rest of his life.  But a little incident involving a friend’s suicide definitely put him over the edge this year.  Mayweather apparently witnessed his friend’s suicide over a face to face chat on his laptop.  He obviously failed at saving a life, so he decided to take his unapologetic ass to a Clipper game later that night.

Plus, is he really going to fight Pacquiao in May?  The fight will OF COURSE fall under the exact same day as the Cotto vs Canelo show down.  Sigh…….

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2. A-rod

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This jerk just doesn’t want to go away.  In the beginning of the year, A-rod  was expected to make his big comeback from his PED suspension.  That turned out to be a big fat NO.  It was then later revealed that he paid off a family member , his cousin, to keep his mouth shut about A-rod’s shenanigans.  Would it be terrible to just come clean A-rod??   One of the major reasons he is such a class-A Grinch is that jerk face smile he is always dawning.  Then again, the Yankees do owe him about $60 million……

 

3.  Roger Goodell

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There is just not enough time in the day to begin discussing the gravity of Roger Goodell’s “Grinch” behavior he so unabashedly displayed this past year.  We shall see how 2015 will unfold for Mr. Goodell….wait, I mean the NFL.

4.  Donald Sterling

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Well this guy should be at the top of everyone’s list for 2014.  Donald Sterling proceeded to become the most hated man in the NBA overnight due to his Uncle Ben behavior.  Well, good thing he is banned from the sport entirely.

5. Lebron James

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He went back to Cleveland.  Enough said.

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A-hole Justice?

Does A-rod, aka A-hole, really deserve justice?  Alex Rodriguez is suing Major League Baseball and its players’ union, seeking to overturn a season-long suspension imposed by an arbitrator who ruled there was “clear and convincing evidence” he used three banned substances and twice tried to obstruct the sport’s drug investigation.  Yikes….

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“Clear and convincing evidence” ladies and gentlemen.  That does sound pretty convincing.  But I’m no lawyer so let’s see if we can pick a good man of the law for A-hole (let’s face it, A-rod would never pick a woman to defend him in court, sexist centaur).

Rodriguez in his suit claimed the Major League Baseball Players Association “completely abdicated its responsibility to Mr. Rodriguez to protect his rights” and “this inaction by MLBPA created a climate in which MLB felt free to trample” on Rodriguez’s confidentiality rights.  Cry me a river…..

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I know there is someone out there who will protect your rights A-hole, even though your big butt couldn’t tell the difference from right or wrong.  But this is America, and every American deserves justice.  Since I am only familiar with lawyers of the fictitious persuasion, I am cutting down my list of lawyers from feature films and television shows.  Word.  Ready to bow down to the law A-hole?

1. Lionel Hutz

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So his “office” is in a mall, says he studied law at the Louvre and he never really knows what he’s doing (or even knows basic law words, such as “jury” or “innocent”). But if we go to court, we might as well make it fun.  A-hole’s case is quite comical since there is mounting evidence against him, maybe Mr. Hutz can use it to his advantage by distracting the jury into thinking A-rod is the victim of PEDs.  Or just not wear any pants…..

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Best lawyer-speak:
Lionel Hutz: I move for a “bad court thingy.”
Judge Snyder: You mean a mistrial?
Lionel Hutz: Yeah! That’s why you’re the “judge” and I’m the “law-talking guy.”
Judge Snyder: The lawyer?
Lionel Hutz: Right.

2. Atticus Finch

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Yes, he’s an obvious choice. But let’s count down his awesomeness: stands up to racists, is a wonderful single father who teaches his daughter valuable life lessons, wears a nice three-piece suit. He represents the best that any of us can hope to be. He is selfless, fearless and unflinching.  Yea…traits that don’t really resonate with A-hole.  Obviously Atticus would be the right choice if A-hole had a conscience….

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Preach it Atticus…..just not to A-hole…

Best lawyer-speak: “In the name of GOD, do your duty. In the name of God, believe … Tom Robinson.”

3. Jack McCoy

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Law and Order seriously needs its own channel by now.  Steely, brilliant, tough but kindly … Jack McCoy is your man for New York City justice.  Don’t let the kind demeanor fool you. McCoy mostly deals with homicide and badass murder cases.  This guy is clearly to badass for A-hole’s controversial corporate case, unless A-hole murdered Bug Selig…..

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Best lawyer-speak: “Your grief might be a little more convincing, sir, if you hadn’t just admitted you cut off your wife’s head.”

4. Vincent “Vinny” Gambini

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Oh my cousin Vinny.  This would be the obvious choice for A-hole because of his smooth laid-back persuasive New York City style.  He will tell it like it is, even if it isn’t what his clients want to hear.  A-hole could use a good kick in his big butt even if it is from a small smart mouthed Italian man.

Vinny may not win the case due to the lack of substantial evidence proving A-hole’s innocence but at least he would make the case an entertaining debacle.

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Best lawyer-speak: “[opening statements] Uh… everything that guy just said is bullshit… Thank you.”

5. Tom Hagen

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If the clear-headed, calm Hagen can deal with various Corleone shenanigans (namely murder — involving horses and people), then he can surely deal with A-hole’s legal issues. Especially since his legal issues may or may not involve horse-related revenge.  Tom could be up A-hole’s alley, but is a possible threat due to Hagen’s truthful nature.  Despite him being a New York boy affiliated with the mob, Tom is still a moral guy who can even see through his little brother’s, Michael Corleone, evil bullshit.

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Best lawyer-speak: “I have a special practice. I handle one client. Now you have my number, I’ll wait for your call.”

6. Harvey Birdman

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Harvey has managed to obtain justice for numerous figures in the cartoon world, including Apache Chief (when he spilt hot coffee on his lap and found himself unable to grow……you know….up) and Fred Flintstone (who was accused of being a Mafia figure, the Dabba Don). Surely he could take those lawyering skills and put them to use for live-action clients as well.

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Since taking all those PEDs in the past, some would consider A-hole a cartoon.

Best lawyer-speak: “Debbie, we are going to need some law books.  With pictures this time.”

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7. Fletcher Reid

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Fletcher would be perfect but there is only ONE problem.  He can’t lie. Without lying, A-hole doesn’t stand a chance.

Best lawyer-speak: “Stop breaking the law, asshole!”

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I bet you right about now A-hole is wishing there were no lawyers in the world, a world where we can all go back to playing good old baseball and focusing on what was once good about the game. A tainted free pastime of America 🙂

Yea, that ain’t going to happen A-hole.  The damage is done.  You and Baseball are busted.

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Boo Fucking Hoo

He just looks like a cry baby.  And you know why?  Because he is. Just look at him. He has never looked so good in his life.  That’s because his LIFE is ENDING.

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Alex Rodriguez, Arod, Asshole, Bubble Butt…call him what you will but he has definitely over stayed his welcome in Baseball Land.

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Maybe he should start thinking about retiring to Fantasia.  I mean, he is already painted as a Centaur right?

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But would the mystical fantasy land that is Disney’s Fantasia really welcome Arod with open and forgiving arms?

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(Don’t eat the apple grrrrrrl.  Can’t trust anybody in Fantasia)

Probably…..but then he would die and then be re-directed to the Night On Bald Mountain scene, where the giant scary devil Chernabog summons the evil spirits and restless souls from their graves.  That’s what is going to happen to Arod.  He is going to be left to dance in the night, the shadows of Baseball, and forever be a slave to Chernabog….Chernabog is hopped up on steriods…obviously.  Haven’t you seen his muscles?!  That ain’t CGI yo.

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One thing is clear.  Arod will never again see the light of day….

Or maybe he will find comfort in the arms of this sexy dude……

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Cheating ain’t DOPE

Endorsement deals and sponsorships taken away.  Championships and trophies stripped.  Millions and millions of dollars vanished before his very eyes.  Integrity and honesty thrown out the door.  Sounds like Lance Armstrong had a rough week.

 

The man who epitomized the sport of cycling and the fight against cancer with his “Live Strong” campaign, has plunged himself into cheating disarray.  The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency released a report detailing allegations of widespread doping use by Armstrong.  They found “overwhelming” evidence.  Even old teammates have come out of the woodwork and furthered the accusation, claiming that Armstrong himself would encourage them to engage in doping.  Sigh.

Nike, Anheuser-Bushand and other companies have all ended their endorsement deals with Armstrong.  Dealing with such humiliation and degradation, Armstrong was pretty much forced to step down as chairman of his “Live Strong” charity and cut ties with his cancer research campaign.  All 7 of his Tour de France titles were just taken away.  Lance Armstrong officially has nothing.  So does this guy sound dunzo or what?

 

 

 

 

Lance Armstrong was caught and is paying the consequences.  The sympathizers want to focus on the good he has done with cancer awareness and research.  Live Strong is one of the most popular fund-raising campaigns that has made millions and millions of dollars for cancer research.  However, the hardasses want to focus on the negative.  “Lance Armstrong has no place in cycling. He deserves to be forgotten,” said Pat McQuaid, president of the International Cycling Union.  Well duh, we already knew that was going to happen.  The bad news for Armstrong just continues to roll.  Perhaps it is a bit too early to tell what will happen to Armstrong but there are plenty of athletes out there who have cheated and have lived to tell the tale.

The fact that doping is steroids completely shifts this discussion into the topic of cheating.  Cheating.  A word that will forever be present in Sports, a profession where performance means EVERYTHING.  Cheating usually gets you the wins, the trophies, the accolades, the fame.  But it seems that these “cheaters” in sports don’t seem to grasp the effects it has on their reputation. If a someone were to give you a magical drug to make you stronger, make you more agile, make you more competitive to play with the big boys, then let’s say you would.  It’s just the repercussions you don’t think about, like getting caught.  Is it the pressure?  Is it insecurity?  Is it drive?  What is it that makes athletes want to cheat?

It seems that when popular athletes cheat, all the positives out weigh the negatives, because the positives can be just awesome…..winning them fame, fortune and what seems like a lifetime of security.  But when those positives are no longer there, the cheating is out…..dayum does the negative become an endless abyss of SHIT.  But that doesn’t seem to be the case with everyone.

In the sports world if you cheat and get away with it, then everything might end up ok.  You might have some bumps in the road but if you come clean, then some (not all) is forgiven.  Just look at Alex Rodriguez, he came clean with his steroids use and is still playing ball for one of the greatest franchises in the MLB.  Who knows if he is still using (yea, probably), granted he is coming off one of his best seasons being benched and humiliated, but he seems to still be respectable baseball player.  He still has all the fame, the girls (supposedly), the money, and that oil painting portrait of himself as a Fantasia Centaur hanging up in his bedroom.   What a life.

Marion Jones, Olympic Track and Field Gold Medalist, was caught doing steroids during the games, lied about it and eventually had her medals taken away after her legal admission of perjury .  She served some time in jail and now plays for the Tulsa Shock of the WNBA. She has a daughter and loving hubbie.  Could be a bit domestic for her but at least she is happy and doesn’t seem to be slowing down in the sporting world.  I am sure Jones feels a bit more guilt than A-rod over there in NYC because she WAS an Olympic gold Medalist, an athlete who represented our country and made all Americans feel proud for one summer. Being an Olympic athlete is such a significant responsibility because you are representing an entire COUNTRY, not a city or state.  You are competing with the WORLD.  Getting a gold medal taken away can’t be easy.  A-rod will be hanging back in New York this summer, counting his millions while his centaur painting collects dust.  Barf.

There is one name I have to mention if we are talking about cheating in sports: Tiger Woods.  Even though he didn’t exactly “cheat” in his sport, he is in fact a cheater in life.  He cheated on his hot mamacita wife with not 1 woman, but hundreds…..more or less prostitutes and porn stars.  Not to single out Tiger because I am no dumb ass, there are hundreds of male (and female) athletes who cheat on their significant others but come on…..hundreds?  Tiger just got caught and has been forever shamed.  But look…..he came out, admitted it, lost some sponsors…..but he is still playing on the PGA.  He is still playing the game he loves, making money, probably not seeing his family, but is still living the athlete dream.

I know this type of marital cheating is completely different from cheating with performance enhancing drugs but it is still lying, an act  that is detrimental to one’s character and personal dignity. (Remember, Lance left his wife and kids because he was “cheating” on her with pop superstar Sheryl Crow……hmmmmm fame and fortune getting to his head too fast…?   once a cheater always……a what….?)  And isn’t that what it really comes down to, character?  Yes, take away what someone earns because they didn’t earn it in an honest and ethical fashion, but you without pride and integrity, you are left with nothing.  Nothing to show for, nothing to live for.  Popular athletes can get past this and start to live again because of the  comfortable situations they are left in.  They have the money, the fame and the family, all the support they will need to get through the difficult times, get over their cheating scandals and start to live again.  Our society forgives those cheaters because in the end we just want to be entertained and amazed by their amazing athletic prowess.

Lance Armstrong will get through this and move on, just not on a bike.