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(Go Seahawks!)

NFL: Divisional Round-New Orleans Saints at Seattle Seahawks

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No way

The Seattle Seahawks win over the Green Bay Packers yesterday was absolutely ridiculous.

Here is how some of you might have reacted to their 2 minute comeback.

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And to all you Seattle Seahawks fans out there……..it’s time to celebrate!

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Buck Buck Quack Quack

Tomorrow is the first ever College Football Playoff Championship.  Are we excited or are WE EXCITED?!

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So what does this game have in store?  In the right corner, we have Urban Meyer and his Ohio State Buckeyes.  You have to admit, the Buckeyes 42-35 win over Alabama had us all in shock.

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I think it is safe to say that Urban Meyer now has Nick Saban by the cojones. Sorry Saban, maybe you need to get rid of your Offensive Coordinator.

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And to the left, we have the Nike-owned Oregon Ducks.  Those gosh darn kids have so many different football uniforms, they could clothe an entire Mexican village.  Heisman winner Marcus Mariotta has had a stellar season, completing nearly 70 percent of his passes, 4,121 passing yards, 731 rushing yards, 55 total touchdowns and three interceptions.  Dayum.

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Who is the better team?  I honestly have no idea.  As a fan of neither team, you always need to root for your team’s conference to win.  So in this instance, go Pac-12.

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Bias aside, I think it will definitely be an interesting nail-biter .  Hell, the Buckeyes beat Alabama, Urban Meyer defeated The Lord of the Rings, Gollumm defeated Sauron.  That is crazy talk.  Well I’m sure Tim Tebow is one happy camper.

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Aside from winners and losers, this isn’t just any championship football game, this is about making college football history.  Granted the trophy is nothing to be proud of nor the location of the game, Dallas, this game is a kick-off of what we hope will be a long Playoff tenure for College Football.  I wish upon a star…..

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Although the Playoff Committee did receive some flack regarding their snub of TCU (sorry horned frogs, we gotta give other Christians a chance), you can’t help but assume that the Committee was going to experience some grief their first time around.  No system is perfect…..::cough BCS cough::.  All we can hope is for the Playoffs to NOT be dominated by the SEC team.

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Even though Ohio State is in not in the SEC, who the hell wants to see Urban Meyer get up there and raise that sad excuse for a trophy?  The guy is a flat-out liar who hates his family.  He blatantly choose his football coaching career ($$ cha-ching $$) over focusing on his family as well as improving his “ailing” health condition.  Some health condition, a condition that took him all the way to the championship game.  Yea, well….we will see how that will work out.

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You gotta be rooting for Oregon.  They have yet to win a National Championship, have a Heisman Trophy winner playing as Quarterback and just look so damn cool on the field.  In every notable game they have ever played, the Oregon Ducks have always worn a different uniform.  Thank you Nike.
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Intimidating?  Not so sure you can be badass in white.  Although they did look pretty sweet when they  looked like Ninjas.

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So let us watch the game tomorrow night in high spirits, not only for the Oregon Ducks but for the College Football Playoffs.  I would like to think that the outcome of this game doesn’t necessarily matter, but it does.  The viewership of this championship game is what is what matters. The number of those viewers who positively promote the Playoffs is what matters.  If nobody watches, it is just a matter of time until the NCAA decides to revert back to the good ol’ BCS.

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I give it five years.

 

 

 

Constipation Going Blue

Forgive me as I swallow my pride, but  Jim Harbaugh is a great coach. Despite his constant constipated face, violently angry and all, Harbaugh knows his football and deserves to work for a notable franchise.  he has worked hard, he deserves it.  So hard he looks permanently constipated, which can be seen every game day.  Just look at this fool’s Wikipedia picture.  My God, is he backed up.

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He has turned around football programs, both college and professional, in less than 4 years, transforming teams into competitive forces.  While at San Diego State, the Toreros posted a combined 29-6 record and won two Division I-AA championships during Harbaugh’s three years at the helm.  I think this is when he started to feel the seething festering pain of winning.

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That lead him to the less-than reputable football program at Stanford University.  While there he not only managed to piss off Pete Carroll on more than one occasion, Harbaugh delivered a winning record in his third season, steering the Cardinals to a 12-1 record, always finishing in the top BCS standing.

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Then his constipation took him to San Francisco to coach the 49ers,  Harbaugh led the team to an 11-4-1 record in the regular season, winning back to back NFC West titles, and one Super Bowl appearance.  Hey, losing to your not so successful brother would only exacerbate the constipation.

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Now he is off to feel even more constipated at Ann Arbor, MI. Him returning to college merely reveals to us that his type of winning and languish energy is more appropriate for the less than mature players.  I think San Francisco was just sick of his shenanigans, or maybe his facial expressions.

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There is no denying that Harbaugh has a knack for building winning football programs.  But I think we can all agree that his constipation will never go away.  This fool thrives on his emotions.  And for college, that is well and dandy because Harbaugh’s maturity level is on the same level as his players.

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Go for it buddy, don’t let that constipation get you down.  That constipation lead you to take the crown from Nick Saban.  Harbaugh is now the highest paid college football coach.  But who would really win that facial feud?

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Even though Saban is The Lord of the Rings of the SEC, Harbaugh would destroy him with his constipated face. Now if only that will translate into wins for Michigan, Harbaugh will be in business.

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The Battle of LA – The Battle of the Bacon Wrapped Hot Dogs

ucla-campus-usc-paint-bear                                                   tommy_trjan

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The biggest college football game in the City of Angels is almost upon us.  Can’t you just smell the hatred and bitterness in the air with every passing pedestrian on the street?  Fortunately for us, during every college football game in Los Angeles ( well, for any big event taking place in the city for that matter), the streets usually smell like those delectable bacon wrapped hot dogs sold on every street corner.  The crackling  and greasy aroma is beyond intoxicating.

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tumblr_ndcxd9fLDc1s2wio8o1_500You would think the Battle of LA could be settled over a shared round of these delicious bacon wrapped hot dogs. If the Pilgrims can come together with the native Americans over a plate of potatoes….then maybe the Trojans and Bruins can to.  Sadly no, they are just too damn good and they should only belong to one team and one team alone.  And that is USC, because frankly, I think they sell more in South Los Angeles than they do in the bougie parking lot of the Rose Bowl.  Oh wait, the Rose Bowl isn’t even encompassed by the city streets of LA?!  The Rose Bowl isn’t even on the FUCLA campus…..hmmmmmmm now that is a disadvantage for those pesky Bruins.

The freakin’ Rose Bowl is literally an hour away from campus.  Now what kind of school spirit is that?  I’ll tell you, one that lets its students drink and drive, that’s what!

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Aside from no beer being sold in the Rose Bowl, this is sadly a reality with the Coliseum as well.  Us fans in LA just can’t seem to handle our booze in a respectable fashion.  Which is why those bacon wrapped hot dogs come into play.  Those hot dogs could potentially save lives, sobering up fans before and after the game, so as to not make an embarrassing scene.  You never know.

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In addition to the glory of winning and presiding over Los Angeles as if it were their own personal playground of youth indiscretion for the rest of year, I think the winning team should also receive reign over these bacon wrapped hot dogs.  Make the pot a bit tastier and sweeter.

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Even though FUCLA is favored by 3.5 points, I think USC can take them and win. Losing the past 3 years has put USC in the hot seat, made them more hungry for the victory, giving them something to prove to not only themselves, but to their stomachs.  I strongly believe the Trojans’ can take the Bruins tomorrow night, if not for the citywide bragging rights but for those damn good hot dogs.

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And please Tommy Trojan, stab the hell out of that field for all that is awesome and heavenly delectable.

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Kegger at the Heisman House

The party never stops at the Heisman House.

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I think Nissan struck gold with this commercial gem.  A bunch of college football player stars all living under one roof.  The real beauty behind these video spots is the communal feel to them.  No matter how old they get, every Heisman trophy winner seems to live in this one house.

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So who does what in this Heisman House?  Who cooks the meals, who does the yard work, who throws the parties, who sorts the mail and who the hell does everybody’s laundry??

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Let’s think about this logically, how many chores are actually done around the house?  I say there are about 7 different roles every functional house has, 7 different roles that these Heisman Trophy winners would need to take on in order for this Heisman House to be fully functional (and to be fully awesome!).  But who would do what?  And more importantly, who would be the best at it?  Well, today is your lucky day because I am going to attempt to answer that question.  Here we go:

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1) The Iron Chef

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Who would want to cook for all these football players?  Probably nobody.  Hell, these guys probably inhale food so fast they don’t even taste the flavor.  You saw that cereal commercial?

I’m going to have to go with Jameis Winston.  We already know he has good taste in seafood and doesn’t want to pay for it.  It’s a win-win, eat like kings while saving a few bucks.

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2) The Green Thumb

Whoever holds this responsibility needs to be able to hold a shovel and pick axe in one hand. This individual needs to be the Jolly Green Giant. I can’t think of anybody else but Bo Jackson. Baseball Player + Football Player = Gets shit done.

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Bo’s size and strength alone can easily rival Hercules juggling cows at the tractor show. Bo probably wouldn’t necessarily enjoy being a gardner but it would come easy to him.  He would finish half an acre of yard work in less than an hour. In 1982, Bo set state school records for indoor high-jump (6’9″) and triple-jump (48’8″).  Hmmmm, ok Jumping Jack Flash.

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In his spare time, he makes bows and arrows to go out hunting deer in the woods.  If that doesn’t scream Paul Bunyan, I don’t know what does.

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He is one with nature. Best not to disturb the beast at work.

 

3) The “Dad”

This guy has to radiate responsibility, uphold respect and bestow unyielding guilt to those who deserve it.  Despite his size, this football player is someone the guys would listen to and respect because they probably see a bit of themselves in him (…and probably feel a bit sorry for him because he never really was successful in the NFL…..).

Come on, he has the haircut of a “Dad.”

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I can see it now.  Doug Flutie gathering the gang around the fireplace recalling the glory days of his “Flutie Effect.” Encouraging all the fellas to chase their dreams because if they put their mind to it, they too can throw a Hail Mary pass to win the championship game.

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Not entirely sure about being the “stern father figure,” but these are all grown men who more or less don’t need to be punished, but rather need to be encouraged to do the right thing and do the dishes.

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4) The Interior Decorator

This player doesn’t necessarily have to know plaid from argyle player but have a good enough sense of style that wouldn’t offend any of the other football players.  If I had to recall every Heisman Trophy ceremony I watched while simultaneously remembering every suit and tie every winner wore, I would probably never finish this post.  But the one fashion forward player I DO remember is Robert Griffin III.

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Those Superman socks, hello?!  Those were damn cool.  A sense of style I think everybody in the house can appreciate (and tolerate).  If RGIII decorated the entire house in comic book hero paraphernalia, I think that would not only bring all the players a fictitious sense of unlimited power but also a sense of comfort and childlike wonder, feelings they haven’t felt since pee-wee football boyhood.

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Ahhh the good ol’ days.

 

5) The Maid

This is when you wish the Beauty and the Beast appliances would come to life and clean themselves.

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Tim Tebow seems like he would unbelievably thrilled to clean the house, leaving breath mints on every pillow.  Homeboy isn’t exactly a tool but I think he would be up for anything that positively contributes to the House.  Even though he isn’t playing football, he would love to pall around all the guys who actually had an NFL career longer than the lifespan of a butterfly.

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Can’t you just imagine him in an apron and duster breezing through the House leaving only the fresh scent of Florida oranges.

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6) The Rebel

OJ. Duh.

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7) Party Boy

When it’s time to party, we will party hard.

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It is without question that all of the Heisman Trophy winners know how to party.  But I’m going to have to go with the most recent and most publicized party animal the House has ever seen: Johnny Football.

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Thanks to his avid social media use, Johnny has infamously gained the reputation of ‘Party Animal.”  Aside from his poor composure, the man doesn’t let his party animal ways negatively affect his work.  And his partying ways would be put to good use at the Heisman House no?

 

8) The Casanova

It’s hard to just pick one, I mean all the players have some sense of dashing athleticism and sport some dapper looks. But the one who notoriously banged his way through college is Matt Leinart.  Although we can’t exactly blame his womanizing for his disastrous NFL career, we can blame his less than shy appendage for his illegitimate child who is half brothers with Blake Griffin’s kid.  Blood brothers for life.

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Leinart is also known to have dated MTV reality stars and Paris Hilton.  Yes, Paris Hilton, aspiring DJ.

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Well at least everyone in the Heisman House can count on Matty Leinart for some of that needed protection….oh wait.

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Oh the Hesiman House. Seems like such a magical place where dreams come true.

 

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