Where Did These Guys Come From?

San Diego is a lovely place.  A place filled with sun-kissed surfers who prance around white sandy beaches, home of the California Burrito, houses one of the largest wildlife facilities in the country and is also given the praiseworthy title of “America’s Finest City.” phillipsriverswooo Who would have thought that “America’s Finest City” is also “America’s Finest Baseball City.”  The San Diego Padres have unexpectedly become one stacked MLB team overnight, boasting talent that would make the New York Yankees shake in their spikes. baseballyankeefans The organization is apparently ready to win, and win big. win General manager A.J. Preller’s list of acquired players is truly impressive. Like ridiculously impressive. In a matter of weeks, Preller traded for Matt Kemp (cry), Justin Upton, and Wil Myers to completely overhaul the outfield. He also traded prospects for catcher Derek Norris and third baseman Will Middlebrooks to give manager Bud Black five new bats in the lineup. To go along with Shields, the Padres also added pitchers Brandon Morrow and Brandon Maurer. OMG-GIF_2 And most recently, the Padres have agreed to a deal with right-handed starter James Shields on a four-year contract worth about $75-million range on this last Monday morning. Shields is a man who’s helped two franchises to the World Series while throwing at least 200 innings for eight straight seasons. Yikes…… anigif_enhanced-29903-1408465419-7 As a baseball fan who has lived in Los Angeles more than half their life, you never thought once of the San Diego Padres.  Not once!  When I think of San Diego, I think of the beach and Comic Con.  Not America’s past time. I have to admit, they do in fact have one of the best looking ball parks in the land, but the baseball team that plays in it was always a different story.  You were always too distracted by the exotic selection of beers the stadium offered to really pay attention to the game. barts-beer-googles-o The San Diego Padres baseball history is anything but bleak, they have only made two World Series appearances in 1984/1998 where they proceeded to lose, and have produced only two notable Hall of Fame players (Tony Gwynn and Rickey Henderson). Well that’s not fair, they more or less produced more than two Hall of Fame players.  But since I can only name two, may be some indication of their meager notoriety. Oldies-but-Goodies-Disney-Edition-Friar-Tuck I know now is the time to scoff it off, but come April, I think baseball fans will be singing a different tune. Probably a tune that sounds a lot like a San Diego Serenade. 94390-go-fuck-yourself-San-Diego-gif-pN73

The MLB Playoffs – The Champagne Genocide

Who doesn’t love watching the traditional champagne shower in the club house after a team clinches a win in September, solidifying their playoff position.  It is nothing but a joy to see grown men sporting snowboarding goggles (i guess they will hit the powder later….) and spray booze on each other, booze usually fit for a group toast honoring the bride and groom on their big day, but who cares?  This is AMERICA……I mean Baseball.

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Damn that seems like a lot of champagne for one team to have fun with….and they aren’t even drinking it.  Wait, they are not even drinking it?! What kind of horrible wasteful ritual is this?!

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This it the time of year champagne bottles are shaking in their bottles because the MLB decides that it is OK to be absolutely frivolous with the fizzy.  What is even more infuriating is that some baseball teams already know their spot in the post season, sometimes even days before the game, and still partake in the slow sticky doom of champagne.

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In theory, a modern team could get bottle service after 1) clinching a wild-card spot; 2) clinching the division title; 3) winning the play-in game; 4) winning the division series; 5) winning the league championship series; 6) winning a World Series.

(I’m no John Nash….but isn’t that a bit too many?)

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That’s six more champagne baths than the Super Bowl winner gets. (The NFL prohibits alcohol-soaked celebrations.) Obviously, alcohol is known to provoke violence, the gateway drug to Aaron Hernandez.  DUH.

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Let’s be honest, the players can’t physically drink all those bottles provided by the MLB, unless they are The Dude, and instead of champagne you have vodka + kalua. I don’t think getting your stomach pumped before the Playoffs is the best idea.

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Is this champagne even the good stuff?  Good God i hope not.  These baseball celebrations are beyond rampant and perhaps need to be replaced with a beverage that wasn’t solely intended to be consumed by French royalty. I would say water, but turns out that is pretty precious too.

How about something American made, a beverage that was initially designed for the poor man – BEER.

Beer can come in a bottle, it can also be shaken up and sprayed profusely all over the place and it can also save lives.

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And beer can be cheap.  God forbid these players actually drink the cheap beer, but just think, all the money spent on bougie bubbly could be donated to organizations that are in need of dire assistance, like the NFL.  They could use all the help they can get.

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He’s Back

Vin Scully has announced that he will be returning in 2015 for his 66th season with Los Doyers.

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Now there is some news that would make any baseball fan happy happy joy joy.

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Vin Scully is a beast. Scully, widely considered the greatest baseball broadcaster of all time, was inducted into the Hall of Fame 32 years ago. He turns 87 in November.

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“It is very difficult to say goodbye,” Scully said in a statement. “God willing I will be back next year. Over the years I have been blessed to have so many friends including those that sit in the stands and listen as well as those at home, who listen and watch.

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“It is just too hard to say goodbye to all these friends. Naturally there will come a time when I will have to say goodbye, but I’ve soul-searched and this is not the time.”

Stay Vin! Stay!

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Wtf

Relief pitcher Alex Torres became the first pitcher to use one of Major League Baseball’s new protective caps for pitchers.  And here is the verdict:

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The immediate reaction by many is the enormous size that triples the weight of the caps from 3 to 4 ounces to 10 to 11 ounces.

I think the other reaction we all have is something like this….

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A-hole Justice?

Does A-rod, aka A-hole, really deserve justice?  Alex Rodriguez is suing Major League Baseball and its players’ union, seeking to overturn a season-long suspension imposed by an arbitrator who ruled there was “clear and convincing evidence” he used three banned substances and twice tried to obstruct the sport’s drug investigation.  Yikes….

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“Clear and convincing evidence” ladies and gentlemen.  That does sound pretty convincing.  But I’m no lawyer so let’s see if we can pick a good man of the law for A-hole (let’s face it, A-rod would never pick a woman to defend him in court, sexist centaur).

Rodriguez in his suit claimed the Major League Baseball Players Association “completely abdicated its responsibility to Mr. Rodriguez to protect his rights” and “this inaction by MLBPA created a climate in which MLB felt free to trample” on Rodriguez’s confidentiality rights.  Cry me a river…..

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I know there is someone out there who will protect your rights A-hole, even though your big butt couldn’t tell the difference from right or wrong.  But this is America, and every American deserves justice.  Since I am only familiar with lawyers of the fictitious persuasion, I am cutting down my list of lawyers from feature films and television shows.  Word.  Ready to bow down to the law A-hole?

1. Lionel Hutz

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So his “office” is in a mall, says he studied law at the Louvre and he never really knows what he’s doing (or even knows basic law words, such as “jury” or “innocent”). But if we go to court, we might as well make it fun.  A-hole’s case is quite comical since there is mounting evidence against him, maybe Mr. Hutz can use it to his advantage by distracting the jury into thinking A-rod is the victim of PEDs.  Or just not wear any pants…..

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Best lawyer-speak:
Lionel Hutz: I move for a “bad court thingy.”
Judge Snyder: You mean a mistrial?
Lionel Hutz: Yeah! That’s why you’re the “judge” and I’m the “law-talking guy.”
Judge Snyder: The lawyer?
Lionel Hutz: Right.

2. Atticus Finch

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Yes, he’s an obvious choice. But let’s count down his awesomeness: stands up to racists, is a wonderful single father who teaches his daughter valuable life lessons, wears a nice three-piece suit. He represents the best that any of us can hope to be. He is selfless, fearless and unflinching.  Yea…traits that don’t really resonate with A-hole.  Obviously Atticus would be the right choice if A-hole had a conscience….

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Preach it Atticus…..just not to A-hole…

Best lawyer-speak: “In the name of GOD, do your duty. In the name of God, believe … Tom Robinson.”

3. Jack McCoy

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Law and Order seriously needs its own channel by now.  Steely, brilliant, tough but kindly … Jack McCoy is your man for New York City justice.  Don’t let the kind demeanor fool you. McCoy mostly deals with homicide and badass murder cases.  This guy is clearly to badass for A-hole’s controversial corporate case, unless A-hole murdered Bug Selig…..

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Best lawyer-speak: “Your grief might be a little more convincing, sir, if you hadn’t just admitted you cut off your wife’s head.”

4. Vincent “Vinny” Gambini

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Oh my cousin Vinny.  This would be the obvious choice for A-hole because of his smooth laid-back persuasive New York City style.  He will tell it like it is, even if it isn’t what his clients want to hear.  A-hole could use a good kick in his big butt even if it is from a small smart mouthed Italian man.

Vinny may not win the case due to the lack of substantial evidence proving A-hole’s innocence but at least he would make the case an entertaining debacle.

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Best lawyer-speak: “[opening statements] Uh… everything that guy just said is bullshit… Thank you.”

5. Tom Hagen

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If the clear-headed, calm Hagen can deal with various Corleone shenanigans (namely murder — involving horses and people), then he can surely deal with A-hole’s legal issues. Especially since his legal issues may or may not involve horse-related revenge.  Tom could be up A-hole’s alley, but is a possible threat due to Hagen’s truthful nature.  Despite him being a New York boy affiliated with the mob, Tom is still a moral guy who can even see through his little brother’s, Michael Corleone, evil bullshit.

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Best lawyer-speak: “I have a special practice. I handle one client. Now you have my number, I’ll wait for your call.”

6. Harvey Birdman

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Harvey has managed to obtain justice for numerous figures in the cartoon world, including Apache Chief (when he spilt hot coffee on his lap and found himself unable to grow……you know….up) and Fred Flintstone (who was accused of being a Mafia figure, the Dabba Don). Surely he could take those lawyering skills and put them to use for live-action clients as well.

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Since taking all those PEDs in the past, some would consider A-hole a cartoon.

Best lawyer-speak: “Debbie, we are going to need some law books.  With pictures this time.”

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7. Fletcher Reid

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Fletcher would be perfect but there is only ONE problem.  He can’t lie. Without lying, A-hole doesn’t stand a chance.

Best lawyer-speak: “Stop breaking the law, asshole!”

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I bet you right about now A-hole is wishing there were no lawyers in the world, a world where we can all go back to playing good old baseball and focusing on what was once good about the game. A tainted free pastime of America 🙂

Yea, that ain’t going to happen A-hole.  The damage is done.  You and Baseball are busted.

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Boo Fucking Hoo

He just looks like a cry baby.  And you know why?  Because he is. Just look at him. He has never looked so good in his life.  That’s because his LIFE is ENDING.

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Alex Rodriguez, Arod, Asshole, Bubble Butt…call him what you will but he has definitely over stayed his welcome in Baseball Land.

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Maybe he should start thinking about retiring to Fantasia.  I mean, he is already painted as a Centaur right?

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But would the mystical fantasy land that is Disney’s Fantasia really welcome Arod with open and forgiving arms?

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(Don’t eat the apple grrrrrrl.  Can’t trust anybody in Fantasia)

Probably…..but then he would die and then be re-directed to the Night On Bald Mountain scene, where the giant scary devil Chernabog summons the evil spirits and restless souls from their graves.  That’s what is going to happen to Arod.  He is going to be left to dance in the night, the shadows of Baseball, and forever be a slave to Chernabog….Chernabog is hopped up on steriods…obviously.  Haven’t you seen his muscles?!  That ain’t CGI yo.

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One thing is clear.  Arod will never again see the light of day….

Or maybe he will find comfort in the arms of this sexy dude……

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