Constipation Going Blue

Forgive me as I swallow my pride, but  Jim Harbaugh is a great coach. Despite his constant constipated face, violently angry and all, Harbaugh knows his football and deserves to work for a notable franchise.  he has worked hard, he deserves it.  So hard he looks permanently constipated, which can be seen every game day.  Just look at this fool’s Wikipedia picture.  My God, is he backed up.

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He has turned around football programs, both college and professional, in less than 4 years, transforming teams into competitive forces.  While at San Diego State, the Toreros posted a combined 29-6 record and won two Division I-AA championships during Harbaugh’s three years at the helm.  I think this is when he started to feel the seething festering pain of winning.

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That lead him to the less-than reputable football program at Stanford University.  While there he not only managed to piss off Pete Carroll on more than one occasion, Harbaugh delivered a winning record in his third season, steering the Cardinals to a 12-1 record, always finishing in the top BCS standing.

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Then his constipation took him to San Francisco to coach the 49ers,  Harbaugh led the team to an 11-4-1 record in the regular season, winning back to back NFC West titles, and one Super Bowl appearance.  Hey, losing to your not so successful brother would only exacerbate the constipation.

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Now he is off to feel even more constipated at Ann Arbor, MI. Him returning to college merely reveals to us that his type of winning and languish energy is more appropriate for the less than mature players.  I think San Francisco was just sick of his shenanigans, or maybe his facial expressions.

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There is no denying that Harbaugh has a knack for building winning football programs.  But I think we can all agree that his constipation will never go away.  This fool thrives on his emotions.  And for college, that is well and dandy because Harbaugh’s maturity level is on the same level as his players.

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Go for it buddy, don’t let that constipation get you down.  That constipation lead you to take the crown from Nick Saban.  Harbaugh is now the highest paid college football coach.  But who would really win that facial feud?

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Even though Saban is The Lord of the Rings of the SEC, Harbaugh would destroy him with his constipated face. Now if only that will translate into wins for Michigan, Harbaugh will be in business.

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The Grinches of 2014

When Christmas time rolls around, you can’t help but think of your life and the people around you.  These swimming holiday thoughts are supposed to deliberately make you feel grateful and joyous that you don’t live in a third world country, can freely express yourself on a whim and have some form of sustenance to get you through your day, whether it be food or ESPN, you got it.  Life is good people!

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But you can’t help but wonder why so many people out there have it so good yet are complete jerk faces. Especially athletes.  So let us toast to this year’s Sports Grinches to more or less make us feel better about ourselves….when in actuality we still wish we were a rich Grinch.

1.  Floyd Mayweather Jr.

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How can I not pick this buttface.  You can always count on Mayweather to make the cut for the rest of his life.  But a little incident involving a friend’s suicide definitely put him over the edge this year.  Mayweather apparently witnessed his friend’s suicide over a face to face chat on his laptop.  He obviously failed at saving a life, so he decided to take his unapologetic ass to a Clipper game later that night.

Plus, is he really going to fight Pacquiao in May?  The fight will OF COURSE fall under the exact same day as the Cotto vs Canelo show down.  Sigh…….

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2. A-rod

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This jerk just doesn’t want to go away.  In the beginning of the year, A-rod  was expected to make his big comeback from his PED suspension.  That turned out to be a big fat NO.  It was then later revealed that he paid off a family member , his cousin, to keep his mouth shut about A-rod’s shenanigans.  Would it be terrible to just come clean A-rod??   One of the major reasons he is such a class-A Grinch is that jerk face smile he is always dawning.  Then again, the Yankees do owe him about $60 million……

 

3.  Roger Goodell

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There is just not enough time in the day to begin discussing the gravity of Roger Goodell’s “Grinch” behavior he so unabashedly displayed this past year.  We shall see how 2015 will unfold for Mr. Goodell….wait, I mean the NFL.

4.  Donald Sterling

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Well this guy should be at the top of everyone’s list for 2014.  Donald Sterling proceeded to become the most hated man in the NBA overnight due to his Uncle Ben behavior.  Well, good thing he is banned from the sport entirely.

5. Lebron James

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He went back to Cleveland.  Enough said.

The Charmin Show

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Kobe Bryant is riding high off his recent career milestone, breaking Michael Jordan’s all time scoring record of 32,292 points.  That’s pretty sweet Kobe.  Would be even sweeter if you could break that other pesky MJ record of 6 rings.  Oh wait, that’s impossible.

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Watching Kobe break an MJ record is great, superb, amazing yet depressing at the same time.  All that hard work may seem to be paying off but in the grand scheme of things but it’s not.  Why isn’t it?  Well, just ask Kobe.  How does Kobe define success?  Championships.  Duh.

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Kobe will truly feel accomplished after he wins his sixth championship.  Don’t hold your breath Black Mamba.

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Kobe breaking this monumental record merely highlighted all of the daunting flaws and dismal talent the rest of the Lakers squad sadly embody.  Great, thanks for the spotlight Kobe.  This is just what the Lakers need instead of actually winning games.  Hell, we might as well drop the Lakers and just call them Kobe.  “Hey Steve, who are Spurs playing tonight?”  “Oh they are playing Kobe.”  Perfect.

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No wonder Kobe is screaming to Mitch comparing the Lakers to Charmin Toilet Paper.  Who likes Charmin anyways?  Angel Soft Baby.

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Anybody would be frustrated if they were Kobe.  Since he was first drafted in the NBA in 1996, he has been working hard every single day of his life, hard enough to get to where he is today.  A place in his much decorated life that will be celebrated more than Lebron leaving a penny in a “Take a Penny, Leave a Penny” tray at a local 7eleven.  Thanks ESPN.

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That’s all well and good for fans all around the world, but that’s not good enough for Kobe.  All of that hard work won’t be worth anything unless Kobe deems it worthy.  Which at the moment, he doesn’t.

Dammit Mitch, do something!  Do something before it is too late!!

Don’t get up too fast now…..

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