Kegger at the Heisman House

The party never stops at the Heisman House.

heisman-house-nissan

I think Nissan struck gold with this commercial gem.  A bunch of college football player stars all living under one roof.  The real beauty behind these video spots is the communal feel to them.  No matter how old they get, every Heisman trophy winner seems to live in this one house.

01_heisman_house_2048x1365

So who does what in this Heisman House?  Who cooks the meals, who does the yard work, who throws the parties, who sorts the mail and who the hell does everybody’s laundry??

tumblr_n8kclsxnlI1ql5yr7o1_400

Let’s think about this logically, how many chores are actually done around the house?  I say there are about 7 different roles every functional house has, 7 different roles that these Heisman Trophy winners would need to take on in order for this Heisman House to be fully functional (and to be fully awesome!).  But who would do what?  And more importantly, who would be the best at it?  Well, today is your lucky day because I am going to attempt to answer that question.  Here we go:

tumblr_inline_ne3u2kaeVP1rt2nax

 

1) The Iron Chef

tumblr_ne3x7zjM8H1rx8xewo1_500

Who would want to cook for all these football players?  Probably nobody.  Hell, these guys probably inhale food so fast they don’t even taste the flavor.  You saw that cereal commercial?

I’m going to have to go with Jameis Winston.  We already know he has good taste in seafood and doesn’t want to pay for it.  It’s a win-win, eat like kings while saving a few bucks.

tumblr_n4uqr8cyTy1rvn2ylo1_500

 

2) The Green Thumb

Whoever holds this responsibility needs to be able to hold a shovel and pick axe in one hand. This individual needs to be the Jolly Green Giant. I can’t think of anybody else but Bo Jackson. Baseball Player + Football Player = Gets shit done.

tumblr_mvouatEc4l1qzbwkjo1_r1_1280

Bo’s size and strength alone can easily rival Hercules juggling cows at the tractor show. Bo probably wouldn’t necessarily enjoy being a gardner but it would come easy to him.  He would finish half an acre of yard work in less than an hour. In 1982, Bo set state school records for indoor high-jump (6’9″) and triple-jump (48’8″).  Hmmmm, ok Jumping Jack Flash.

tumblr_mi38t9FP441renuivo1_500

In his spare time, he makes bows and arrows to go out hunting deer in the woods.  If that doesn’t scream Paul Bunyan, I don’t know what does.

etick_rd_bothehole01_690

He is one with nature. Best not to disturb the beast at work.

 

3) The “Dad”

This guy has to radiate responsibility, uphold respect and bestow unyielding guilt to those who deserve it.  Despite his size, this football player is someone the guys would listen to and respect because they probably see a bit of themselves in him (…and probably feel a bit sorry for him because he never really was successful in the NFL…..).

Come on, he has the haircut of a “Dad.”

tumblr_mx4xiqhne51r3k8ffo1_500

I can see it now.  Doug Flutie gathering the gang around the fireplace recalling the glory days of his “Flutie Effect.” Encouraging all the fellas to chase their dreams because if they put their mind to it, they too can throw a Hail Mary pass to win the championship game.

tumblr_mc60fiprrh1qggc5jo1_1280

Not entirely sure about being the “stern father figure,” but these are all grown men who more or less don’t need to be punished, but rather need to be encouraged to do the right thing and do the dishes.

tumblr_inline_ndyx8sVJVy1rtpcz9

 

4) The Interior Decorator

This player doesn’t necessarily have to know plaid from argyle player but have a good enough sense of style that wouldn’t offend any of the other football players.  If I had to recall every Heisman Trophy ceremony I watched while simultaneously remembering every suit and tie every winner wore, I would probably never finish this post.  But the one fashion forward player I DO remember is Robert Griffin III.

tumblr_mrh5geO7VR1qe6vsbo1_500

Those Superman socks, hello?!  Those were damn cool.  A sense of style I think everybody in the house can appreciate (and tolerate).  If RGIII decorated the entire house in comic book hero paraphernalia, I think that would not only bring all the players a fictitious sense of unlimited power but also a sense of comfort and childlike wonder, feelings they haven’t felt since pee-wee football boyhood.

rg3

Ahhh the good ol’ days.

 

5) The Maid

This is when you wish the Beauty and the Beast appliances would come to life and clean themselves.

tumblr_n4wa7bYtRW1s0h0fgo2_250

Tim Tebow seems like he would unbelievably thrilled to clean the house, leaving breath mints on every pillow.  Homeboy isn’t exactly a tool but I think he would be up for anything that positively contributes to the House.  Even though he isn’t playing football, he would love to pall around all the guys who actually had an NFL career longer than the lifespan of a butterfly.

tumblr_mz2hqsaIs31rs5g5mo1_400

Can’t you just imagine him in an apron and duster breezing through the House leaving only the fresh scent of Florida oranges.

SEC+Football+Championship+Florida+v+Alabama+SQTL_iqT1Fql

6) The Rebel

OJ. Duh.

tumblr_mj3ygo5JAm1qfqcmfo1_500

7) Party Boy

When it’s time to party, we will party hard.

JM

It is without question that all of the Heisman Trophy winners know how to party.  But I’m going to have to go with the most recent and most publicized party animal the House has ever seen: Johnny Football.

tumblr_ncwck2qNb91r4fk9jo1_r2_250

Thanks to his avid social media use, Johnny has infamously gained the reputation of ‘Party Animal.”  Aside from his poor composure, the man doesn’t let his party animal ways negatively affect his work.  And his partying ways would be put to good use at the Heisman House no?

 

8) The Casanova

It’s hard to just pick one, I mean all the players have some sense of dashing athleticism and sport some dapper looks. But the one who notoriously banged his way through college is Matt Leinart.  Although we can’t exactly blame his womanizing for his disastrous NFL career, we can blame his less than shy appendage for his illegitimate child who is half brothers with Blake Griffin’s kid.  Blood brothers for life.

tumblr_mmm33vWFLk1rqj3nao1_400

Leinart is also known to have dated MTV reality stars and Paris Hilton.  Yes, Paris Hilton, aspiring DJ.

tumblr_m6512n58651qjuatio1_500

Well at least everyone in the Heisman House can count on Matty Leinart for some of that needed protection….oh wait.

leinart4

Oh the Hesiman House. Seems like such a magical place where dreams come true.

 

tumblr_myx86jLdWh1torq82o1_500

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s