Kegger at the Heisman House

The party never stops at the Heisman House.

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I think Nissan struck gold with this commercial gem.  A bunch of college football player stars all living under one roof.  The real beauty behind these video spots is the communal feel to them.  No matter how old they get, every Heisman trophy winner seems to live in this one house.

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So who does what in this Heisman House?  Who cooks the meals, who does the yard work, who throws the parties, who sorts the mail and who the hell does everybody’s laundry??

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Let’s think about this logically, how many chores are actually done around the house?  I say there are about 7 different roles every functional house has, 7 different roles that these Heisman Trophy winners would need to take on in order for this Heisman House to be fully functional (and to be fully awesome!).  But who would do what?  And more importantly, who would be the best at it?  Well, today is your lucky day because I am going to attempt to answer that question.  Here we go:

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1) The Iron Chef

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Who would want to cook for all these football players?  Probably nobody.  Hell, these guys probably inhale food so fast they don’t even taste the flavor.  You saw that cereal commercial?

I’m going to have to go with Jameis Winston.  We already know he has good taste in seafood and doesn’t want to pay for it.  It’s a win-win, eat like kings while saving a few bucks.

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2) The Green Thumb

Whoever holds this responsibility needs to be able to hold a shovel and pick axe in one hand. This individual needs to be the Jolly Green Giant. I can’t think of anybody else but Bo Jackson. Baseball Player + Football Player = Gets shit done.

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Bo’s size and strength alone can easily rival Hercules juggling cows at the tractor show. Bo probably wouldn’t necessarily enjoy being a gardner but it would come easy to him.  He would finish half an acre of yard work in less than an hour. In 1982, Bo set state school records for indoor high-jump (6’9″) and triple-jump (48’8″).  Hmmmm, ok Jumping Jack Flash.

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In his spare time, he makes bows and arrows to go out hunting deer in the woods.  If that doesn’t scream Paul Bunyan, I don’t know what does.

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He is one with nature. Best not to disturb the beast at work.

 

3) The “Dad”

This guy has to radiate responsibility, uphold respect and bestow unyielding guilt to those who deserve it.  Despite his size, this football player is someone the guys would listen to and respect because they probably see a bit of themselves in him (…and probably feel a bit sorry for him because he never really was successful in the NFL…..).

Come on, he has the haircut of a “Dad.”

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I can see it now.  Doug Flutie gathering the gang around the fireplace recalling the glory days of his “Flutie Effect.” Encouraging all the fellas to chase their dreams because if they put their mind to it, they too can throw a Hail Mary pass to win the championship game.

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Not entirely sure about being the “stern father figure,” but these are all grown men who more or less don’t need to be punished, but rather need to be encouraged to do the right thing and do the dishes.

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4) The Interior Decorator

This player doesn’t necessarily have to know plaid from argyle player but have a good enough sense of style that wouldn’t offend any of the other football players.  If I had to recall every Heisman Trophy ceremony I watched while simultaneously remembering every suit and tie every winner wore, I would probably never finish this post.  But the one fashion forward player I DO remember is Robert Griffin III.

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Those Superman socks, hello?!  Those were damn cool.  A sense of style I think everybody in the house can appreciate (and tolerate).  If RGIII decorated the entire house in comic book hero paraphernalia, I think that would not only bring all the players a fictitious sense of unlimited power but also a sense of comfort and childlike wonder, feelings they haven’t felt since pee-wee football boyhood.

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Ahhh the good ol’ days.

 

5) The Maid

This is when you wish the Beauty and the Beast appliances would come to life and clean themselves.

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Tim Tebow seems like he would unbelievably thrilled to clean the house, leaving breath mints on every pillow.  Homeboy isn’t exactly a tool but I think he would be up for anything that positively contributes to the House.  Even though he isn’t playing football, he would love to pall around all the guys who actually had an NFL career longer than the lifespan of a butterfly.

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Can’t you just imagine him in an apron and duster breezing through the House leaving only the fresh scent of Florida oranges.

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6) The Rebel

OJ. Duh.

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7) Party Boy

When it’s time to party, we will party hard.

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It is without question that all of the Heisman Trophy winners know how to party.  But I’m going to have to go with the most recent and most publicized party animal the House has ever seen: Johnny Football.

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Thanks to his avid social media use, Johnny has infamously gained the reputation of ‘Party Animal.”  Aside from his poor composure, the man doesn’t let his party animal ways negatively affect his work.  And his partying ways would be put to good use at the Heisman House no?

 

8) The Casanova

It’s hard to just pick one, I mean all the players have some sense of dashing athleticism and sport some dapper looks. But the one who notoriously banged his way through college is Matt Leinart.  Although we can’t exactly blame his womanizing for his disastrous NFL career, we can blame his less than shy appendage for his illegitimate child who is half brothers with Blake Griffin’s kid.  Blood brothers for life.

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Leinart is also known to have dated MTV reality stars and Paris Hilton.  Yes, Paris Hilton, aspiring DJ.

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Well at least everyone in the Heisman House can count on Matty Leinart for some of that needed protection….oh wait.

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Oh the Hesiman House. Seems like such a magical place where dreams come true.

 

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The MLB Playoffs – The Champagne Genocide

Who doesn’t love watching the traditional champagne shower in the club house after a team clinches a win in September, solidifying their playoff position.  It is nothing but a joy to see grown men sporting snowboarding goggles (i guess they will hit the powder later….) and spray booze on each other, booze usually fit for a group toast honoring the bride and groom on their big day, but who cares?  This is AMERICA……I mean Baseball.

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Damn that seems like a lot of champagne for one team to have fun with….and they aren’t even drinking it.  Wait, they are not even drinking it?! What kind of horrible wasteful ritual is this?!

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This it the time of year champagne bottles are shaking in their bottles because the MLB decides that it is OK to be absolutely frivolous with the fizzy.  What is even more infuriating is that some baseball teams already know their spot in the post season, sometimes even days before the game, and still partake in the slow sticky doom of champagne.

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In theory, a modern team could get bottle service after 1) clinching a wild-card spot; 2) clinching the division title; 3) winning the play-in game; 4) winning the division series; 5) winning the league championship series; 6) winning a World Series.

(I’m no John Nash….but isn’t that a bit too many?)

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That’s six more champagne baths than the Super Bowl winner gets. (The NFL prohibits alcohol-soaked celebrations.) Obviously, alcohol is known to provoke violence, the gateway drug to Aaron Hernandez.  DUH.

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Let’s be honest, the players can’t physically drink all those bottles provided by the MLB, unless they are The Dude, and instead of champagne you have vodka + kalua. I don’t think getting your stomach pumped before the Playoffs is the best idea.

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Is this champagne even the good stuff?  Good God i hope not.  These baseball celebrations are beyond rampant and perhaps need to be replaced with a beverage that wasn’t solely intended to be consumed by French royalty. I would say water, but turns out that is pretty precious too.

How about something American made, a beverage that was initially designed for the poor man – BEER.

Beer can come in a bottle, it can also be shaken up and sprayed profusely all over the place and it can also save lives.

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And beer can be cheap.  God forbid these players actually drink the cheap beer, but just think, all the money spent on bougie bubbly could be donated to organizations that are in need of dire assistance, like the NFL.  They could use all the help they can get.

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