Time to be Shallow

Now comes the time when the NFL comes together and judges the SHIT out of potential players.  More like potential livestock, but hey it’s fun 🙂





These football players have been dreaming about this moment their entire lives, just waiting to get chosen first and enter the promise land.  But before they can start dreaming, they have to pass a few tests, athletic hurdles that only super humans can really conquer. With all due respect, the NFL draft is legit like the Hunger Games, the type of Hunger Games that emulate real-life.  Survival of the fittest baby, these boys are hungry and need to feed all their babies.


The real reason why I find the NFL draft so comical, and yet so realistic, is the idea that it is widely acceptable to be shallow when choosing the players.  Answering questions like, “How big are his muscles?” “Is he hot?” “Can he make me a lot of money?”


I can guarantee these are legitimate questions NFL teams try to answer come draft day….probably phrased a bit differently but you get the picture.  Cha-CHING $$.


It’s time to pimp yourself out boys.  Now who can shake their money-maker more?  Seriously, scouts check out potential players culos because those tight muscular culos reveal their true athletic prowess.  Who doesn’t want to look at  dudes’ tight little muscular butts all day?


So you may be asking yourselves, who is this year’s hottest NFL draft pick?  Well, let’s see.  You got Johnny “Football” Manziel, quarterback from Texas A&M, in the forefront.  Yes, he plays quarterback. Yes, he won the Heisman Trophy. Yes, he would be a wise draft choice.  Hell, he is already drawing comparisons to Drew Breeze.  But let’s take a closer look at Johnny Manziel.  At 6’1 foot 210 pounds, Johnny is well on his way to becoming one of the smallest quarterbacks to enter the draft.


One thing if for certain though, fool is straight up goofy looking.  Plus he has little to no booty.  Granted that all quarterbacks never really sport a nice badunkadunk because they don’t have to, they don’t run….they really don’t do anything except throw the football.  Manziel’s little booty honestly might affect his draft status……and his failure to make a lay-up.


Whatever team snatches up Manziel are banking on his “Goofy ” face to be the future of their football franchise. That football team might not be so lucky……

Now let’s take Jadeveon Clowney, Defensive End for South Carolina.  In terms of size, speed and strength (fool is 6 foot 5, 266 pounds and can run the 40 yard dash in 4.51 seconds), Jadeveon is Beast Monster Titan, a player you would want to team up with in the Hunger Games.  SURVIVOR.


As an NFL scout, you want a physical specimen, the whole package.  You don’t want a no-booty Goofy faced player who runs around like a chicken with its head cut off.  You want a killer.


Just look at the two biggest NFL busts of all time: Quarterbacks Ryan Leaf and Jamarcus Russel.  Were they hot?  No.  They were not.



Physical judgment aside, everyone essentially wants to choose a player they can depend on, who they can look to in time of need, who they can trust to make the right life decisions and choose the right endorsement deals that will give their team a leg up. Obviously.

LaDainian Tomlinson Conquers a Hard Day of Work in the Latest Chunky��� Soup Advertising Campaign

I don’t know about you but I can not wait for this year’s NFL Draft.  Come this Thursday and Saturday, lets let the shallow judgement run rampant and free 🙂


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