SUPER confused

Super-Bowl-2014

BIRD V.S. BEAST.  This Super Bowl is a tough one to call for many different reasons.  Both teams bring so much to the table because both teams have something to prove with a newcomer coach wanting to solidify his position in the NFL and a veteran quarterback in search of his second Super Bowl ring.  Both teams are quite awesome with both their states legalizing the green (Yea, I went there) while simultaneously representing the West.

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Remember the West side of the country ESPN? Are you guys even alive over there under all that snow?!  Damn Super Bowl, had to be in NYC.  Always the East trying to outshine the West…”SHINE” being the operative word….  Sorry, got off track….

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But who will win?  Who knows.  The bigger question is:  Who are you going to root for?

We should all be in for a treat on Sunday, as Denver and Seattle ended the season ranked No. 1 and 2 in the advanced NFL stats efficiency model by virtue of each team’s dominance on one side of the ball. For the Broncos, that side is obviously offense, led by quarterback Peyton Manning. And for the Seahawks, it is defense, led by their smothering secondary.  Yikes, sorry Russell, I guess you aren’t leading the pack 😦  Not if Richard Sherman has anything to say about it….

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The Seahawks are coached by the improbable Pete Carroll.  As a die-hard USC fan, you can’t help but love this guy despite his sudden, but necessary, departure from NCAA trouble.  Every other day since the playoffs, ESPN has published an article about Pete Carroll, outlining his awesomeness as a human being, an awesomeness that is so palpable that every player in the NFL wants to play for him.  Carroll was voted the most popular coach in the NFL, according to a survey conducted by ESPN.com. Carroll received over 22 percent of the votes cast by over 320 players asked “Which head coach would you most like to play for?”

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Carroll’s creation of a laid back, player-first atmosphere has been a hallmark of his time at both Seattle and USC, and that’s a major reason why players and fans LOVE him. Carroll doesn’t fit the coaching stereotype of an inflexible hot head douche — sorry Jim Harbaugh….and take off those hideous khakis, for the love of GOD — and that makes him someone NFL players want to work under.

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But then again, there is Peyton.  Peyton Manning set his own NFL record with 55 touchdown passes this year — that’s three-and-a-half TD passes every single game. To put it in another way: He had roughly 14 TD passes every four games. The New York Jets had 13 TD passes all season. DUDE.  At 37, coming off a career-ending neck injury, Manning had one of the greatest seasons in NFL history.

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Peyton Manning is a Monster Beast on the field. More importantly, in some ways, Manning finally seems comfortable with the football geek that he is. To the media’s amusement, he has been loose and funny in interviews this whole postseason. After the Broncos beat the Chargers, somebody asked if retirement was weighing on his mind, and he replied: “What’s weighing on my mind is how soon I can get a Bud Light in my mouth.” And isn’t that what is really weighing in all our heads?

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Two very likable guys, one Super Bowl.  I really don’t know!  For one, you want to see Petey win a Super Bowl just to stick it to big butt khaki wearing Jim Harbaugh, a feat he couldn’t conquer last year.  Buwhahaha, who’s the man now?!

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Second, Peyton needs to get another ring to stick it to his younger brother.  Despite Eli Manning’s 2 Super Bowl wins and 2 Super Bowl MVP awards, Peyton is by far the better quarterback, a quarterback whose name is already being etched in gold at the Football Hall of Fame.  With another Super Bowl win, Eli can take a seat.

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All you can root for in this situation is the commercials, hoping they will be worth the 1 million dollars.  I would say the half time show, but seriously who will be watching that?  Sorry Bruno, but I think I will take the Puppy Bowl instead.

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What will you be drinking this Sunday?

What is the one thing you instantaneously think of when you hear the words, “The Super Bowl.”  Well, a lot comes to mind: Football (I would sure hope so), commercials, The Halftime Show and, quite possibly, Doritos.

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But if you are a hard-hitting muscle testosterone driven individual, you think of one thing : BEER.

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There are so many tasty brews out there, it’s hard to just pick one.  But let’s get one thing straight.  The Super Bowl isn’t the time nor place for those fancy micro-brews (unless your Hipster, but what true Hipster watches sports?).  Save those expensive beers for an art gallery opening.

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So for your viewing and tasting pleasure, I picked the top 5 (affordable) beers to bring to your Super Bowl party.  To duly note: I am avoiding high-alcohol beers—you don’t want the lightweight LAME-Os to fall asleep…or make their chips and salsa magically appear again on your couch.  Second, I want to try and offer some sort of variety so there’s something for everyone, and finally , I am solely basing my selections on their 2013 Super Bowl commercials.  That’s right.  The Super Bowl wouldn’t have it any other way 🙂

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5. Redd’s Apple Ale

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This might have been Redd’s Apple Ale’s first prime time television commercial slot, but it doesn’t really do anything to convince me to chug this.  This is obviously marketed for the chicas.  Instead of ordering the stereotypical Appletini at the bar, the ladies can opt for an apple tasting beer while watching football with the fellas, saving themselves from estrogenic embarrassment.  So what gives with the dude ordering the beer in the commercial?

Basically, violence is what makes people drink this beer.  Whoever is throwing the apple at your head is definitely not your friend.  If you want something sweet, go for Woodchuck Cider. Besides, it is a known fact that beavers are the friendliest animal.

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4. Heineken

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Ok this one is a bit frustrating. Too many unanswered questions with not enough cute cuddly dog humor to back it up.

Since when do dogs drink beer?  Since when can you bring dogs to a bar?  Since when do all guys who drink beer have dogs? Why would you ultimately go to a bar if you ran out of beer instead of going to a nearby liquor store? Much easier when you are bringing your dog along.   This is why Heineken shouldn’t be one of your top choices because your dog keeps hiding them, making you spend more money at the bar and more money on those stolen six packs 😦  Man’s best friend indeed.

3. Budweiser Black Crown

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This commercial is a bit off-putting.  I know Budweiser is trying to take over the beer world, but this beer commercial is making it out to be more of a cocktail party turned dance party than a laid back get together.

The Budweiser audience just can’t connect to this commercial, nor would want to drink it while watching the Super Bowl.  Despite its good taste, nobody who goes to a dimly lit lounge dressed in black cocktail attire dancing on tables is drinking beer.  This commercial is geared more towards the fancy vodka, whiskey, scotch sipping crowd, you know, classy.  Beer can be classy, but this is Super Bowl, an event that is anything but classy.

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2. Bud Light

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DUH!  It is THE Super Bowl beer.  They only have like 4 different commercials.  Last year’s commercial is interesting but has nothing to do with beer.  It has to do with a magical chair…..

Ok, not the best commercial.  Although it’s cool celebrity guest spots with Stevie Wonder and the Avatar chick are fun to watch, it still has nothing at all to do with beer.  I guess this was the time to their let their advertisers unleash their creativity, to market Bud Light in a different way, since this is the most over-exposed beer brand in the country.  But really, voodoo witchcraft?

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Nevertheless, Bud Light is always around when the Super Bowl is on.  And a 30 rack is so goddamn cheap, how can you say no?

1. Budweiser

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This is by far the best commercial because of its use of an adorable beast horse remembering the man friend that raised him.  Oh the Budweiser Clydesdale horses, thank you for giving us a touching tender moment that warms the heart….oh yea, and transporting our beer….I think.  Whatever, they are cute!

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A Necessary Apology: Nothing but BUD dominating the list.  Seriously dude, it’s taking over the entire Super Bowl commercial slots.  Well, now we know what beer company has the largest advertising budget.  Now I’m just waiting for their new 2014 commercial…… introducing UNCLE BUDS: the beer you love but with a new quirky taste.

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Omissions: Miller Light and Coors Light

Two of my favorite cheap Go-To Light beers for any get together.  The Super Bowl is the ideal event to snag a 12- pack of these bad boys because they’re very light (light enough to consume for 5 hours), great for beer pong, they don’ t leave a terrible gut-wrenching dish water taste in your mouth and you don’t feel bad if you spill it all over the place because they are both so cheap.  Just remember to clean up.

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Sadly both Miller Light and Coors Light didn’t have commercials in last year’s Super Bowl 😦  Maybe it’s because they didn’t have the means to scrounge up $1 million+ dollars to buy a spot.  OR maybe they ran out of money in their advertising budget because they choose to run their commercials 50,000 times throughout the entire year.  Well, it must be working.  I’m still buying them.

Cheers to Sunday!

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Shermanology

NFL: St. Louis Rams at Seattle Seahawks

All of Sports Media is a buzz about Richard Sherman and his less than mature antics after winning the NFC championship game against the 49ers.  In case you have been living under a rock, Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman blocked a game winning pass intended for 49er’s receiver Michael Crabtree in the end zone in last Sunday’s NFC Championship game.  Immediately after the play, Sherman smacked Crabtree on his bootie and exchanged some words….basically showboating and rubbing it in his face.  Crabtree proceeded to shove him in the face.

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First off, let me just say it was beyond sweet seeing Jim Harbaugh truly angry throughout the entire game.  What truly would have been amazing is if Sherman directed his showboating towards his old Stanford coach and gave him a big hug after the play……”Thanks Coach! Couldn’t have done it without your tight khaki pants!” Ahhh, can you just imagine the tantrum??

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Anyways, back to business.  Richard Sherman is either the biggest jerk alive or the smartest man alive.  Were his antics necessary?  In short, yes, yes they were because nobody can stop talking about him, which I think is EXACTLY what he wanted.

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Richard Sherman is getting more press than ever.  His own football jersey is now among the top 10 best-selling jerseys in the league, according to sales rankings provided to ESPN.com from the league official store NFLSHOP.com.  Sherman has broken into the top 10 for the first time.  Sherman has also witnessed his Twitter account balloon by more than 270,000 followers in the first 24 hours. In fact, he has singularly been talked about as much as both the Seahawks and 49ers combined.

GEE, I wonder WHY?

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Interestingly enough, Sherman on Wednesday retracted his post-game comments, comments that are less than classy, “I’m the best Cornerback in the game,” “I was making sure everyone knew Crabtree was a mediocre receiver, ” and then my favorite, “Crabtree. Don’t you open your mouth about the best or I’m gonna shut it for you real quick.”  Sounds a bit threatening bro.

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Let’s start calling this for what it is:  SHERMANOLOGY = Being a Dick = Popularity = $$

It’s true!  Sherman is an ivy-league educated athlete with a GPA of 4.0 straight out of Compton, CA, I think we can safely say he isn’t THAT dumb.  Well, let’s not include Jonathan Martin in this conversation,  that guy is just a big fat whiner.

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Sherman knew exactly what he was going to do, what to say and who to say it to this season if the Seahawks were going to take it to the Superbowl.  With all the press coverage, interviews, jersey sales and twitter popularity, Sherman has put on the new face of “what is trending,” for weeks to come.  I don’t care what anybody else says out there, I think this Shermonolgy strategy is genius, and possibly a way of NFL life.

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The guy is not only a great player who is brilliantly self-marketing his name, he is also remorseful.  He has already come out and apologized for his comments, “It is what it is. Things like that happen and you deal with the adversity. I come from a place where it’s all adversity (STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON), so what’s a little more or people telling you what you can’t do. I really was surprised. If I had known it was going to blow up like that I would have approached it differently, just in terms of the way it took away from my teammates. That’s the thing I feel regretful about.”

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Oh snap.  This guy doesn’t even need a publicist, he knows what to say, how to say it and when to say it, leaving us sports fans only wanting more. My only concern would be if they lose the Superbowl and Sherman directs his bad sportsmanship and frustration towards Peyton Manning. Now who would have the balls to do that to Peyton Manning?

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Peyton Manning is too beloved in the NFL to be subject to classless harassment, so if Sherman learned anything from his Shermanology, he knows better than to disrespect Peyton.  Otherwise, the city of Omaha will be on his ass like shit on Velcro.

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A-hole Justice?

Does A-rod, aka A-hole, really deserve justice?  Alex Rodriguez is suing Major League Baseball and its players’ union, seeking to overturn a season-long suspension imposed by an arbitrator who ruled there was “clear and convincing evidence” he used three banned substances and twice tried to obstruct the sport’s drug investigation.  Yikes….

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“Clear and convincing evidence” ladies and gentlemen.  That does sound pretty convincing.  But I’m no lawyer so let’s see if we can pick a good man of the law for A-hole (let’s face it, A-rod would never pick a woman to defend him in court, sexist centaur).

Rodriguez in his suit claimed the Major League Baseball Players Association “completely abdicated its responsibility to Mr. Rodriguez to protect his rights” and “this inaction by MLBPA created a climate in which MLB felt free to trample” on Rodriguez’s confidentiality rights.  Cry me a river…..

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I know there is someone out there who will protect your rights A-hole, even though your big butt couldn’t tell the difference from right or wrong.  But this is America, and every American deserves justice.  Since I am only familiar with lawyers of the fictitious persuasion, I am cutting down my list of lawyers from feature films and television shows.  Word.  Ready to bow down to the law A-hole?

1. Lionel Hutz

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So his “office” is in a mall, says he studied law at the Louvre and he never really knows what he’s doing (or even knows basic law words, such as “jury” or “innocent”). But if we go to court, we might as well make it fun.  A-hole’s case is quite comical since there is mounting evidence against him, maybe Mr. Hutz can use it to his advantage by distracting the jury into thinking A-rod is the victim of PEDs.  Or just not wear any pants…..

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Best lawyer-speak:
Lionel Hutz: I move for a “bad court thingy.”
Judge Snyder: You mean a mistrial?
Lionel Hutz: Yeah! That’s why you’re the “judge” and I’m the “law-talking guy.”
Judge Snyder: The lawyer?
Lionel Hutz: Right.

2. Atticus Finch

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Yes, he’s an obvious choice. But let’s count down his awesomeness: stands up to racists, is a wonderful single father who teaches his daughter valuable life lessons, wears a nice three-piece suit. He represents the best that any of us can hope to be. He is selfless, fearless and unflinching.  Yea…traits that don’t really resonate with A-hole.  Obviously Atticus would be the right choice if A-hole had a conscience….

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Preach it Atticus…..just not to A-hole…

Best lawyer-speak: “In the name of GOD, do your duty. In the name of God, believe … Tom Robinson.”

3. Jack McCoy

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Law and Order seriously needs its own channel by now.  Steely, brilliant, tough but kindly … Jack McCoy is your man for New York City justice.  Don’t let the kind demeanor fool you. McCoy mostly deals with homicide and badass murder cases.  This guy is clearly to badass for A-hole’s controversial corporate case, unless A-hole murdered Bug Selig…..

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Best lawyer-speak: “Your grief might be a little more convincing, sir, if you hadn’t just admitted you cut off your wife’s head.”

4. Vincent “Vinny” Gambini

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Oh my cousin Vinny.  This would be the obvious choice for A-hole because of his smooth laid-back persuasive New York City style.  He will tell it like it is, even if it isn’t what his clients want to hear.  A-hole could use a good kick in his big butt even if it is from a small smart mouthed Italian man.

Vinny may not win the case due to the lack of substantial evidence proving A-hole’s innocence but at least he would make the case an entertaining debacle.

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Best lawyer-speak: “[opening statements] Uh… everything that guy just said is bullshit… Thank you.”

5. Tom Hagen

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If the clear-headed, calm Hagen can deal with various Corleone shenanigans (namely murder — involving horses and people), then he can surely deal with A-hole’s legal issues. Especially since his legal issues may or may not involve horse-related revenge.  Tom could be up A-hole’s alley, but is a possible threat due to Hagen’s truthful nature.  Despite him being a New York boy affiliated with the mob, Tom is still a moral guy who can even see through his little brother’s, Michael Corleone, evil bullshit.

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Best lawyer-speak: “I have a special practice. I handle one client. Now you have my number, I’ll wait for your call.”

6. Harvey Birdman

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Harvey has managed to obtain justice for numerous figures in the cartoon world, including Apache Chief (when he spilt hot coffee on his lap and found himself unable to grow……you know….up) and Fred Flintstone (who was accused of being a Mafia figure, the Dabba Don). Surely he could take those lawyering skills and put them to use for live-action clients as well.

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Since taking all those PEDs in the past, some would consider A-hole a cartoon.

Best lawyer-speak: “Debbie, we are going to need some law books.  With pictures this time.”

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7. Fletcher Reid

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Fletcher would be perfect but there is only ONE problem.  He can’t lie. Without lying, A-hole doesn’t stand a chance.

Best lawyer-speak: “Stop breaking the law, asshole!”

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I bet you right about now A-hole is wishing there were no lawyers in the world, a world where we can all go back to playing good old baseball and focusing on what was once good about the game. A tainted free pastime of America 🙂

Yea, that ain’t going to happen A-hole.  The damage is done.  You and Baseball are busted.

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Your Los Angeles Lakers……

You may or may not be following the Los Angeles Lakers this season…..and why would you?!  They are just downright awful. From Kobe Bryant’s supposed triumphant return from a career ending ACL injury, to yet another detrimental injury to the star player, the Lakers have yet to find their footing.

I think the entire season can be summed up in this succession of photos of Kobe Bryant at the Lakers gut wrenching loss to city rival, the Los Angeles Clippers.  Did I say gut wrenching?  I meant an embarrassing disgrace.

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And here we go Lakers…….going straight back to the D League.

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Only down 40 points….no real biggie.  But check out his wedding ring bling yo!

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As of now, Kobe may be regretting signing his 2 year contract extension…….or his hands smell like coco butter.  Yum.

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I don’t know whether Kobe is pissed at his teammates poor play or Jordan Hill’s hairstyle.

I can’t……I just can’t…..

New Years Resolutions Sports Fans

(I know I’m a week late but hey, that’s how 2014 goes….)

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Every New Years Eve there is a always a little flutter of chatter among party goers discussing what they wish to accomplish next year.  New Years Resolutions are far too common yet far too annoying.  I want to lose weight, I want to help those in need, I want to be just like Jay Cutler (well, I don’t know about that one)…..blah blah blah.

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How about if we could make resolutions for our favorite athletes?  Especially those who you KNOW are going to make bad ones.  Don’t look now sports fans, but here is your one and only chance to improve the lives of athletes and sports here:

1. Lebron James

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Does this guy really need a new years resolution?  Yes.  Stop being a douche-bag and talking about the Miami Heat like is it YOUR team.  My new years resolution for you is to NOT win the NBA Championship, become a bit more humble, maybe not whore yourself out to every endorsement deal that comes your way and, more importantly, educate yourself fool!

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Despite your lack of a college degree, you have seen the world, met new people and have the advantage to take hold of opportunities others would die for.  How about you enroll in some prestigious university part-time and learn something new….like not being a dumb as rocks douche-bag.

2. Nick Saban

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Oohhhhhh Mr. Saban.  I thought your new years resolution would be to start fresh and establish yourself as the Lord and Savior Football Coach for the University of Texas.  Sadly, no.  Alabama is here to stay.  I think Saban wants to achieve not necessarily the impossible, but to achieve the impressive.  With a new year, comes a new system, a system of College Football Playoffs baby!

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Although the Crimson Tide failed to make it to the BCS National Champion game nor win the Sugar Bowl against Oklahoma, I believe Saban will try to shock the world in 2014 by competing once again for the National Championship spotlight.  Saban will get into the final 4 team playoff whether we like it or not.  You go girl.

3. College Football Playoffs

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Oh man, I can hardly contain myself on this one.  I can only hope the 2014 College Football Playoffs will be nothing short of amazing.

But we all know that it may not be due to the expected controversy the elected Playoff Committee will bring.  This alleged Playoff Committee….who are they?  Why were they selected?  Will the Committee be better than the BCS?  Who the hell knows, but it is worth a try.

4. A-rod

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2014 A-rod just needs to shut up, retire and take it like a man.  Good Lord, he more or less will make it into the Hall of Fame, so why waste this year being a bitch fiddle?

With all the controversy surrounding Arod in 2013, 2014 should be a nice change for him by stepping out of spot light, stop embarrassing himself during interviews, start behaving in court and retiring with style.  The guy has more money than he knows what to do with, so he should put it to good use.

Just commission another artist to paint another portrait of you as another mythological creature…..how about a Minotaur?

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5. Jason Kidd

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Good lord does this guy need a good resolution, but it’s a very simple one: WIN games.

As his first year as head coach of the Brooklyn Nets debut season at the new deluxe Barclay Center, the Brooklyn Nets have sucked, to say the least.  With injured players and lack of motivation amongst star players like Kevin Garnett and the frog Paul Pierce, the Nets have not won as many games as expected.

Well so far soo good.  After vowing to be a new team in 2014, the Nets are undefeated in the new year, riding a four-game winning streak. But more than anything else, the Nets are fighting. They’re now taking a punch and showing resiliency instead of folding.  Is it all thanks to Jason Kidd?  Who knows.  He just needs to win from here on out.

6. Jonathan Martin

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New Year’s Resolution: Quit Football and become a guidance counselor for young football players all over America, teaching them the ways of how to avoid becoming a pussy.

Jonathan Martin made headlines this 2013 football season by reporting to the NFL concerning hazing shenanigans he traumatically underwent during his rookie season with the Miami Dolphins, more specifically placing the blame on one, Richard Incognito.

After reporting the hazing incidents to the NFL, he left the Dolphins and checked into a hospital to treat his “emotional distress.”  A week later he was spotted laughing and smiling and the USC vs. Stanford game at the Coliseum.  So Mr. Martin, 2013 clearly wasn’t your year, you weaseled  your way out the NFL and are sooOOooo distraught you might as well put your traumatic experience to good use.  Counsel kids about hazing, the good and the bad.  Become a sponsor for anti-bullying campaigns.  Just stop the bitching and do SOMETHING….and maybe apologize to Richie….his NFL career is clearly dunzo because of you.

7. Aaron Hernandez

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Just hope he doesn’t become somebody’s bitch. I mean the dude is a football player, so he is already pretty buff and can more or less handle himself, but you never know, it is prison.

Aaron Hernandez was arrested last year in Connecticut for the murder of a former NFL player named Odin Lloyd.  More recenetly, police now suspect Hernandez participated in a 2012 drive-by double murder using a truck loaned to him, according to a warrant released last week, and that those killings led to the murder Lloyd, for which the former Patriots star is now on trial.

Just keeps getting better and better for Hernandez.  Keep your head up bro and make sure to have your family and friends send you lots and lots of cigarettes.

8. Yaisel Puig

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Hit more home runs, sleep with more women, become a permanent United States resident, win the World Series…..and go to Driving School.

Yaisel Puig already has two tickets for reported reckless driving.  Was he crunk?  I don’t think so because the cops more or less made him submit to a DUI test.  The guy just has a need for speed.  So I say in 2014, convert that need for speed in women.  The guy made a 30 million contract over night with his blowout success with the Doyers last year, so just hire a driver and hit up the clubs for some reckless dancing and flirting.  Who the LA ladies what Puig Power is all about.

Just remember to wear a condom,  have fun and get ready for the 2014 baseball season!

9. Russia

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Be more accepting of athletes no matter what their sexual preference may be.  Hey, if the United States can do it, Russia can do it.  Democracy worked right?

President Putin of Russia decided to initiate a boycott on gay Olympic athletes.  As the host country of the Winter Olympics, you would think a world event bringing cultures together would be a bit more tolerant of different people.  Guess NOT.

Maybe when the actual Olympics commence, Russia will come to it’s senses and realize that equality should be had by all, equality that should distinctly and actively be recognized in events watched by the world.  Monkey SEE, Monkey DOO Russia.

10. Brazil

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May the World Cup crown the United States the champions of 2014 games…..I can’t even say that with a straight face…….

Every world cup brings hope for the United States, a hope that we can actually compete with the world in soccer.  Unfortunately, the U.S. did not receive a favorable first round group selection. The Americans wound up with the potentially punishing group they feared and will play Ghana, Portugal and Germany in June as they try to move to the next round.  This couldn’t be any more difficult.  But we Americans are known to thrive as the underdogs…..yea over 200 years ago….

Is it going to happen, are we going to win?!  I have no idea.  Maybe this year will be a first.  I bet you Benjamin Franklin would know what to do….

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11. Tim Tebow

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So I guess Tebow has finally given up on his dreams of playing quarterback in the NFL  because he has become an ESPN analyst for the SEC conference. He debuted his broadcasting talent during the BCS Championship game and didn’t do half bad.

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2014 Tebow is going to accept his future and become such an impressive college football analyst, he will replace Lee Corso on College GameDay, forever leaving our Saturday mornings free of embarrassing antics and pathetic winner predictions.  And give the college mascots back their glory dammit! Glorious 🙂

Feliz Ano Nuevo Everybody!