(I know I’m a week late but hey, that’s how 2014 goes….)
Every New Years Eve there is a always a little flutter of chatter among party goers discussing what they wish to accomplish next year. New Years Resolutions are far too common yet far too annoying. I want to lose weight, I want to help those in need, I want to be just like Jay Cutler (well, I don’t know about that one)…..blah blah blah.
How about if we could make resolutions for our favorite athletes? Especially those who you KNOW are going to make bad ones. Don’t look now sports fans, but here is your one and only chance to improve the lives of athletes and sports here:
1. Lebron James
Does this guy really need a new years resolution? Yes. Stop being a douche-bag and talking about the Miami Heat like is it YOUR team. My new years resolution for you is to NOT win the NBA Championship, become a bit more humble, maybe not whore yourself out to every endorsement deal that comes your way and, more importantly, educate yourself fool!
Despite your lack of a college degree, you have seen the world, met new people and have the advantage to take hold of opportunities others would die for. How about you enroll in some prestigious university part-time and learn something new….like not being a dumb as rocks douche-bag.
2. Nick Saban
Oohhhhhh Mr. Saban. I thought your new years resolution would be to start fresh and establish yourself as the Lord and Savior Football Coach for the University of Texas. Sadly, no. Alabama is here to stay. I think Saban wants to achieve not necessarily the impossible, but to achieve the impressive. With a new year, comes a new system, a system of College Football Playoffs baby!
Although the Crimson Tide failed to make it to the BCS National Champion game nor win the Sugar Bowl against Oklahoma, I believe Saban will try to shock the world in 2014 by competing once again for the National Championship spotlight. Saban will get into the final 4 team playoff whether we like it or not. You go girl.
3. College Football Playoffs
Oh man, I can hardly contain myself on this one. I can only hope the 2014 College Football Playoffs will be nothing short of amazing.
But we all know that it may not be due to the expected controversy the elected Playoff Committee will bring. This alleged Playoff Committee….who are they? Why were they selected? Will the Committee be better than the BCS? Who the hell knows, but it is worth a try.
2014 A-rod just needs to shut up, retire and take it like a man. Good Lord, he more or less will make it into the Hall of Fame, so why waste this year being a bitch fiddle?
With all the controversy surrounding Arod in 2013, 2014 should be a nice change for him by stepping out of spot light, stop embarrassing himself during interviews, start behaving in court and retiring with style. The guy has more money than he knows what to do with, so he should put it to good use.
Just commission another artist to paint another portrait of you as another mythological creature…..how about a Minotaur?
5. Jason Kidd
Good lord does this guy need a good resolution, but it’s a very simple one: WIN games.
As his first year as head coach of the Brooklyn Nets debut season at the new deluxe Barclay Center, the Brooklyn Nets have sucked, to say the least. With injured players and lack of motivation amongst star players like Kevin Garnett and the frog Paul Pierce, the Nets have not won as many games as expected.
Well so far soo good. After vowing to be a new team in 2014, the Nets are undefeated in the new year, riding a four-game winning streak. But more than anything else, the Nets are fighting. They’re now taking a punch and showing resiliency instead of folding. Is it all thanks to Jason Kidd? Who knows. He just needs to win from here on out.
6. Jonathan Martin
New Year’s Resolution: Quit Football and become a guidance counselor for young football players all over America, teaching them the ways of how to avoid becoming a pussy.
Jonathan Martin made headlines this 2013 football season by reporting to the NFL concerning hazing shenanigans he traumatically underwent during his rookie season with the Miami Dolphins, more specifically placing the blame on one, Richard Incognito.
After reporting the hazing incidents to the NFL, he left the Dolphins and checked into a hospital to treat his “emotional distress.” A week later he was spotted laughing and smiling and the USC vs. Stanford game at the Coliseum. So Mr. Martin, 2013 clearly wasn’t your year, you weaseled your way out the NFL and are sooOOooo distraught you might as well put your traumatic experience to good use. Counsel kids about hazing, the good and the bad. Become a sponsor for anti-bullying campaigns. Just stop the bitching and do SOMETHING….and maybe apologize to Richie….his NFL career is clearly dunzo because of you.
7. Aaron Hernandez
Just hope he doesn’t become somebody’s bitch. I mean the dude is a football player, so he is already pretty buff and can more or less handle himself, but you never know, it is prison.
Aaron Hernandez was arrested last year in Connecticut for the murder of a former NFL player named Odin Lloyd. More recenetly, police now suspect Hernandez participated in a 2012 drive-by double murder using a truck loaned to him, according to a warrant released last week, and that those killings led to the murder Lloyd, for which the former Patriots star is now on trial.
Just keeps getting better and better for Hernandez. Keep your head up bro and make sure to have your family and friends send you lots and lots of cigarettes.
8. Yaisel Puig
Hit more home runs, sleep with more women, become a permanent United States resident, win the World Series…..and go to Driving School.
Yaisel Puig already has two tickets for reported reckless driving. Was he crunk? I don’t think so because the cops more or less made him submit to a DUI test. The guy just has a need for speed. So I say in 2014, convert that need for speed in women. The guy made a 30 million contract over night with his blowout success with the Doyers last year, so just hire a driver and hit up the clubs for some reckless dancing and flirting. Who the LA ladies what Puig Power is all about.
Just remember to wear a condom, have fun and get ready for the 2014 baseball season!
Be more accepting of athletes no matter what their sexual preference may be. Hey, if the United States can do it, Russia can do it. Democracy worked right?
President Putin of Russia decided to initiate a boycott on gay Olympic athletes. As the host country of the Winter Olympics, you would think a world event bringing cultures together would be a bit more tolerant of different people. Guess NOT.
Maybe when the actual Olympics commence, Russia will come to it’s senses and realize that equality should be had by all, equality that should distinctly and actively be recognized in events watched by the world. Monkey SEE, Monkey DOO Russia.
May the World Cup crown the United States the champions of 2014 games…..I can’t even say that with a straight face…….
Every world cup brings hope for the United States, a hope that we can actually compete with the world in soccer. Unfortunately, the U.S. did not receive a favorable first round group selection. The Americans wound up with the potentially punishing group they feared and will play Ghana, Portugal and Germany in June as they try to move to the next round. This couldn’t be any more difficult. But we Americans are known to thrive as the underdogs…..yea over 200 years ago….
Is it going to happen, are we going to win?! I have no idea. Maybe this year will be a first. I bet you Benjamin Franklin would know what to do….
11. Tim Tebow
So I guess Tebow has finally given up on his dreams of playing quarterback in the NFL because he has become an ESPN analyst for the SEC conference. He debuted his broadcasting talent during the BCS Championship game and didn’t do half bad.
2014 Tebow is going to accept his future and become such an impressive college football analyst, he will replace Lee Corso on College GameDay, forever leaving our Saturday mornings free of embarrassing antics and pathetic winner predictions. And give the college mascots back their glory dammit! Glorious 🙂
Feliz Ano Nuevo Everybody!