Mean Girls in da HOUSE

There has always been those “Mean Girls” that you cross paths with down those dreaded high school halls.  Then you graduate and you think the “mean girl” terror is over and you will never have to face such petty bicthness again.  WRONG.

“Mean Girls” never leave you and always manage to creep back in your life one way or another.  Even the fellas get in on the action.  But you can’t call them “Mean Boys,”  that kinda sounds like a kinky porn.  Boys can just be as mean as those mean bitches who taunt those who are horizontally challenged or happen to have a BUTTA face (everything is good BUT THE FACE).  Boys, well rather men, can be immature douches, everyone knows that.  No one is immune, not even the Sports World.

So who are the “Meanest Girls” in Sports you might ask?  Well Well Well.  There are quite a few “Mean Girls” out there.   So let us make a “Mean Girls” group made up out of the bad news bears badasses from Sports.  Even though the list can go on and on, let us settle for 7.  5 is too small and 10 is too big, 7 is the perfect middle to make a “Mean Girls” gang.  Introducing the Damned Damsels or the Freak Show Floozies.  I couldn’t decide which sounds more Mean……or Badass…..or just plain cool beans 😛

1. Nick Saban (The Leader)

This guys just looks like a douche.  And please, let the appearance try to fool you.  Just look at his face.  This guy is never happy even when his team wins the College football National Championship.  The only coach to legit look pissed off when his team pours the victorious gatorade on him after the championship win.  Jeeze.  Hahaha the nickname Nick Satan is genius.  On top of his less than happy appearance and authoritarian style of coaching, he is also a BIG FAT LIAR.

After two seasons with the Miami Dolphins and months of denying he was interested in the head coaching position at Alabama, Saban ditched the Dolphins for the Tide and never looked back.  What a stand up chap.

He would be the leader of the “Mean Girl” Group fasho. Nick Satan wouldn’t have it any other way.He is domineering and loves to boss his little minions around.  Plus he is a sneaky liar, the most valuable trait a “Mean Girl” can have.

2. Ray Lewis (The Muscle)

Ray would be the muscle “mean girl” fasho.  The biatch who provides the physical scare, like the rugby player, who is down like charlie brown to fight dirty with anyone that comes their way.  Lewis is considered one of the scariest and meanest players in the NFL, based (entirely?) on his play on the field.

Well it doesn’t help Ray’s image that he was once arrested on murder charges in 2000.  Ultimately all of the witnesses changed their stories and nobody was ever convicted of the murders.  MMhhhMMMHhhhmmm, very interesting.  He is also a mentor to troubled colleges athletes.  Well the fool did go to Miami University, the biggest badass thug life college football program to date.  Obviously he would help the OGs in need.

Before every game in Baltimore, Ray is sporting some war like face makeup and appears to be doing a dance, a dance performed by any warrior before they enter into battle, while his snarls and roars on the screen like a lion feasting before he devours his kill.  The badass Ray Lewis.  The ultimate “Mean Girl” muscle.


 3.  Milton Bradley (The Psycho)

Don’t be fooled by his Toy Company name, this guy is not so nice.  He is kind of a psycho.   Bradley has been on eight teams in his last ten seasons in the MLB, the reason = psycho.  Throughout his career Bradley been involved in all kinds of unpleasant incidents: throwing a bottle into the stands, chucking a ball at a fan, numerous fights with umpires, uncomfortable run-ins with reporters, confronting police officers and season-endin suspensions for various acts of psychotic douchebaggery.  To top it off, Bradley has had recent arrests for menacing his wife with various weapons, one of these weapons being a baseball bat.  Classy Milton.

Later his wife filed a request for a restraining order after he allegedly picked up a photo of a gun and told her, “This is the gun that I’m going to kill you with.”  Dude, psycho.

Every “Mean Girl” Group needs a psycho.  Psychos are the ones that scare the bejesus outta of the “don’t think twice ” dudes that hook up with one without knowing they are a psycho and regretting it till the day they die.  Better delete your Facebook…..

4. Ndamukong Suh (The Dumb One….or Ugly One)

The misunderstood giant.  The fun-loving teddy bear that clobbers you when you’re not looking.  Suh is a tough D lineman yet it has gotten him in trouble.  Fines for excessive violence have raised some preguntas.  Hits on Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton, Bears quarterback Jay Cutler and former Browns quarterback Jake Delhomme have cost Suh, only in his second season, $42,500 in fines.  Yikes

Maybe he is misunderstood, maybe he isn’t.  He could fill in the ugly slot in the gang. In this “Mean Girl” gang, House of Knives would be the ugly air head.  He clearly doesn’t use his brain when playing football.  How would walking the “mean girl” hall ways be any different?  He is there to pump up the self-esteem of the other “mean girls” in the gang. Suh is easy to love but hard to respect with his not so nice behavior.  Unlike Ray Lewis, Suh doesn’t perform any warrior like muscle dances or sport any scary demeanor.  He mostly keeps to himself…..until the whistle is blown.  At least if he sniped you in the school parking lot, you know he would be good for the money.

5. Lebron James (The Fame Whore)

Do I seriously have to explain myself.  Lebron sucks as life and he knows it, abandoning his hometown and team because he thought he was unable to become the ultimate player in the NBA in Cleveland.  So he packed his bags and went to Miami where he thinks his popularity will soar and give him the credit he deserves.  Yea Freakin Right.  “What Should I Do?” because I am Lebron James and want to please everybody but I can’t, Im a douche who just wants to be liked.  Sorry Lebron, nobody likes a fame whore.

LeBron used his press conference after the Heat’s Game 6 defeat to address the “haters”:

“All the people that were rooting for me to fail, at the end of the day, tomorrow they have to wake up and have the same life that (they had) before they woke up today.  They got the same personal problems they had today. And I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things I want to do.”

Ughhh please just shut up.  You will fit perfectly with this “Mean Girl” gang.  You gotta keep their hated popularity up and keep those haters hating.

6. Skip Bayliss (The Gossip What’s Her Face)

OOOoooooOOOOoo look out for the Big Mouth who nobody knows about.  Usually nobody knows where the rumor came from and why somebody would spread such slander.  It’s cuz of dudes like Skip Bayliss.  If you just look at the guy, he is just a skinny old harmless man.  HEY-O, those are the characters you gotta look out for.  The unassuming appearances are always the most vicious gossipy bunch.  Skip is the guy on ESPN’s First Take who just wants to spread hurtful rumors and snide comments about players, personalities and anyone cooler than him basically.

He once called Shaq: Shakira O’Neal and Shaquille O’Whale.  So Skip your saying Shaq’s hips don’t lie and enjoys reading Moby Dick? ShooOOoot you cold-hearted bastard.

He doesn’t discuss anything worth listening to nor is he even nice to look at.  Why do we want to even listen to this guy? A “Mean Girls” gang always has a “what’s her face” in the click, might as well be Skip Bayliss.  Would you be able to point him out in a lineup?  Yea, I don’t think so, hence he spreads those “Mean Girl” rumors and gossip to feel just a little ounce of importance.

 7. Floyd Mayweather (The Sh*t talker)

You might be asking yourself: What is the difference between the Gossip and the Sh*t Talker.  The Sh*t Talker wants to start Sh*t and get in a “Mean Girl” brawl where as the gossip just can’t keep their big mouth shut.

Mayweather is a great boxer but not a great human being.  He is actually a terrible human being and should have God smite his ass down.  Remember that alleged fight with Manny Pacquiao?  Instead of being a stand up chap and trying to get the fight to actually happen, he backs out and starts talking smack.  And to just smack talk, how about some straight up racist talks:  “As soon as we come off vacation, we’re going to cook that little yellow chump… Once I stomp the midget, I’ll make that mother f—– make me a sushi roll and cook me some rice…. We gonna cook that mother f—– with some cats and dogs. … Rice with [a] little bit of cat, rice with a little bit of barbecued dog.”

Dude, seriously? How many other bad news bears behavior can you pull?….oh wait, hold up: The douche has been convicted of several misdemeanor battery charges and assault…all on women.  Wow Mayweather is one classy dude.  Mayweather even wanted to have security guards arrested for ticketing his cars: “My homies have guns. If you want me to call them, they’d come over here and take care of you.  These are my f**king cars. Don’t touch my f**king cars.”

The very definition of a Sh*t talker is definitely Mayweather, that is all he does besides beat women.  He would be perfect in this “Mean Girl” clickster.  Nobody would mess with this double threat, a sh*t talker who can also beat your woman.


The Damned Damsels/ Freak Show Floozies.  You best not cross their path.


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